Life...as it's happened to me.

A new leaf, a new tree...same infallible God

2010-11-29T15:39:00.000-06:00

It has been a while since I've found the need or want to post anything here. This was a place where I could relate to other's who grieved and for a long while I felt I couldn't relate. I ran into an old friend from school and a story book tale of finding love proceeded to evolve. I had been looking at my "life of before" all while life was still happening. My new love, my fiancée, gave me new life.

I've never compared my late wife to my soon to be...I think that is a road best not traveled. So that brought me to the conclusion that I didn't want to continue posting about my life here...where there is so much of the past. I don't want to remove these posts because I've gotten some great responses that these words have been a help to a few. If there were only one that would've been enough to make it worthwhile. So I choose to keep this blog alive for new readers who may stumble upon it; but by God's grace my life has outgrown it's scope.

I've found the light at the end of the tunnel. My love adores my kids, and I her's. Together our family tree has grown to include six kids; and we love it that way. We have five between us and a new leaf was added to our tree just a few weeks ago. My mother kept praying that God would put someone wonderful in my life and so he answered her prayers.

Life is still happening and I'm going to really enjoy it! I hope that God shows you all the joy in your life too.

Single Parent should be an oxymoron

2009-11-12T14:22:00.001-06:00

sin·gle par·ent (noun) Definition: Somebody who raises child alone: a parent who brings up a child or children alone, usually because he or she is unmarried, widowed, or divorced.

I never wanted to be a single parent. I had thought how awful it would be as a single parent when Mindy and I were going through rough patches. All my thoughts then focused on only being able to see my children on designated days, effectively letting the courts control my family life. The life I live now wasn’t the picture I had painted in my head during those times either; in many ways it’s worse.

In a conversation with my Teen one night I asked her about her mother. She said she thinks about her a lot. She misses her. These were the most forthright and honest answers she’s given me in a long while. She said “I wonder if it would be different with her here?”. That one I can handle; yes it would be. It most definitely would be. Maybe it’s because I’m still relatively new to all of this, or that I’m just not ready, but being a single parent is very hard. I’m out numbered to start with and then toss in that Mindy was a stay at home mom…I’ve got a long way to go.

I also find that I’m a little paranoid now that I’m the one solely responsible. Every little change in their behavior sounds an alarm in my head. My Teen loves to spend time alone. Sometimes reading or drawing but just off by herself in her room. Lately she’s been clinging to me a lot more. This week I’ve had an especially rough time. I’ve had to work quite a bit, some straight through the night and into the next day. I went to bed early Tuesday night, exhausted from being up for 40+ hrs. I fell asleep fast and hard at about 8:30p and it was just me in my big lonely bed. I awoke at about 3:15a to find little princess’ crying and my Sugarbear snoring to my left. I rolled over to find a set of elbows from my Teen near my head to the right. I was surrounded! My Princess woke up and couldn’t find her blanket, therefore a full on disaster plan was initiated to wake Dad and find said blanket; which was located under her pillow. I ended up with all three of them crowding me in what previously seemed like a big bed.

The next night I was still exhausted having not really gotten much rest and still putting out fires at work (figuratively). I sent the kids to bed a little earlier hoping I could catch a few more Z’s after I finished working and before the sun jumped back over the horizon. My Teen showed up again wanting to crash in my room. She never does this, not unless she’s sick. So I prodded her a bit about how she felt and why her room wasn’t making the grade, but as with everything else I ask her there was no real answer. She fell asleep in a matter of minutes while I worked. The clacking of the keyboard and the glow of my laptop didn’t seem to bother her at all. Here is where the paranoia set in. If she’s not sick, and this is not her usual behavior then what’s going on with her? Maybe nothing, maybe she just needs to feel extra protected; only time will tell. I wish Mindy was here to handle this stuff; single parenting is no walk in the park. The little ones do this all the time, mostly because they don’t want to go to bed, but not my Teen.

I don’t get much sleep anymore anyway; but with all the “All Nighter” for work in addition to my regular schedule, and the kids waking me up it’s really catching up with me. My house is a disaster, we’ve eaten out all week, and I feel like the kids aren’t getting the attention they need. This time of year doesn’t make it any easier. Things are not going to slow down any for a couple of months at least. There are birthdays, holidays, extracurricular events all right around the corner. So the definition may state that a single parent is a noun, a title bestowed upon someone, but I believe it should be an oxymoron. Maybe the lack of sleep is just making me into a moron?!?

It's lonely in this crowd

2009-10-16T22:22:00.002-05:00

There isn't really a positive way to release anger, that I've found. I feel like I'm barely holding on to any resemblance to a normal life. I'm drowning in homework, projects, fund raisers, etc. since school started back up for the kids. I'm being ignored by my insurance company to make repairs to my home. The biggest thing is I'm tired of coming home to an empty house. I guess that is the new normal, but it's not the normal I want; just the one I'm reluctant, but required, to accept.

The kids are wonderful, but I miss my best friend. I'm tired of watching TV alone; laughing alone at the idiot box. I hate that I have to drive everywhere; there isn't anyone else to run to the store for milk, or take the kids to gymnastics everyonce in a while. I hate going to bed alone; not having anyone to hold. Although, not waking up several times a night to lound, train like snoring isn't horrible. I despise seing couples out enjoying a life like I once had. Really I just despise that I no longer have that life and they are just the reminder.

I want a pause button for life. Everything is racing by so fast and I feel like I barely have time to react or make a decision. There are many people worse off than I am, and I try to be content with where I am. But it's hard to live it everyday in comparison to how it was, or how it should be. I want what I can't have...my old life back. The life that I once thought was so stressful and filled with unecessary burdens.

She was better than me

2009-09-29T14:14:00.001-05:00

Two weeks ago, as noted in an earlier post, my roof began leaking in two different rather large areas. I called my insurance company and got the ball rolling. Since then everything has come to a screeching halt. The insurance company sent out their “preferred vendor” the day I made the claim yet I still do not have a written estimate from them. I called five other roofing companies for estimates. Only one company has made it out so far and given me an estimate. I’m sitting here making phone calls, getting the run around, and worrying about the rain that is in the forecast for later this week.

The insurance company hasn’t received any estimates from me or the vendor yet, and is already telling me what they won’t cover….great! I’m trying really hard to be patient because I have a feeling that this is going to be a several week long up hill battle with them, but I really wish Mindy was here to help with all of this. She was so good at cutting through all the crap on things like this and getting stuff done. Partly because she was a stay at home mom and had a little more flexible schedule to work with these people, but mostly because she just didn’t take crap from anyone.

As I was writing this I was interrupted by a phone call from my insurance company. They wanted to know if I was happy with the repairs. WHAT REPAIRS!! Nothing has been done! So I channeled my “Mindy like” assertion towards the poor sap on the other end of the phone. In the end all he could do was “note my account”, so I’ll be placing another call to my agent.

Mindy and I both worked in a call center when we first met. We were both painfully familiar with the customer service side of things. I caught a few good breaks and moved into IT where my real passion lied. She worked various forms of customer service for several different companies over the years before becoming a stay at home mom. I guess the additional years arguing with people over bills, collection letters, service agreements, etc. just made her more rigid when it comes to these things. She was just flat out better than me at getting people to do what she wanted, how she wanted. She was unwavering and tenacious, and as much as I try; as much as I say I’ll do the same thing…I’m just not her. I’m not that good at it. I wear down more easily and become frustrated. I can nearly hear her now, lecturing on the strength of a woman needed to get the job done. She wouldn’t actually do the work mind you; just tell you the womanly strength needed to do it (read: delegation and supervision). In marriage you get used to leaning on your spouse to fill gaps; to do well what you don’t. I just got comfortable with her being the assertive, tenacious project manger when it came to things like this. I do a lot of things well and I’ve improved on quite a bit now that I’m the only one calling the shots (or so I like to think), but it’s just another reminder that I’m just half of a couple.

Conversations in the car

2009-09-21T14:00:00.001-05:00

We had another group night at the WARM Place last Thursday night and for the most part everything went normally. On the way across the parking lot to the car my little Princess said she missed “…Momma’s driving.”. Really? How do you miss someone’s driving, I thought. Then quickly as we drove away all three of them started chatting over one another and they all honed in on the same story…coincidence maybe. They all started to tell me about her taking them to church the Sunday before she died. That morning I was at a motorcycle safety course and we had debated about whether she would take the kids to church or not. She didn’t want to go…I felt that they should. When I left for my class that morning I understood that they weren’t going.

At some point after I left she decided that they would go to church and thus spawns the story my children talked over each other to tell me. It seems (and this is so very much like Mindy) that she missed her exit off the highway, twice, and then got lost going to church…where she had been many, many times before. With her lack of direction she reportedly ran over a curb, twice, and almost took out a traffic sign. But since Mindy always left early for everything even after getting lost and driving around for a while they still ended up at the church on time.

I wish I had some way of recording these conversations when the kids spontaneously remember things that happened about their mother. The best I have is to jot it down after the fact, or some times to put it here as a post. But the joy that came across their faces as they took turns adding to the story, reminding each other how the morning drive played out, was priceless. Mindy and I were not big on taking home videos, we have the birth of the kids and a few scattered videos here and there, but we aren’t in many of them. It’s mostly the kids in the videos. I wish I had more video with her voice, her smile, her personality to show to them as they get older but there are only a few. It was nice to hear them tell such vivid details about that drive to church as if it were on a video they had just watched. They remembered it so clearly.

These drives home from the WARM Place seem to make for more of these conversations than most any other time, but they spring up all the time. I hurts to miss her. It really hurts to know that the kids miss her, but it’s relieving to know that they still find joy in our ‘life of before’. It makes the heartbreak tolerable, if only for a moment, to know that she had a profound impact on the lives of each of my little kiddos in the short time they spent with her. My Princess had recently turned 5 years old when we lost Mindy, but she can still tell me little details about how she looked, things she said, faces she would make. The Teen remembers more than she tells, but I see her mother in her more and more each day. She is growing into such a thoughtful young woman (sometimes, then she’s still a selfish teenager too!) and surprises me more and more lately with how mature she can be. We could’ve been so happy together for so much longer, all five of us. I just imagine that Mindy is eavesdropping and smiling…not at the content, but of the context. She certainly wouldn’t find this little story funny, but we sure did.

In good times and bad

2009-09-16T15:45:00.001-05:00

It’s been a long string of days running together since I last had the time or the energy to post anything. Some times I think the most appropriate post would just be me screaming until my lungs give out. Life has been so frustrating the last two weeks. It is maddening to find the frustration at both ends of the spectrum…intertwined in my life at every turn. It just reinforces that grief is not a phase that you work through. It’s a journey that changes your life forever.

I was invited to go out with some friends and make a big night of it a couple of weeks back, and I had a great time. We had a relaxing dinner and then we headed off to Pete’s; a place I hadn’t been before. The hours we spent there flew by like minutes. I ran into a couple of old friends and that always makes my day better, but when I finally got back home it all sank. I had such a wonderful time and I wanted to share it with her. I laid in bed waiting for the sun to come up thinking of all the reasons why I didn’t do more with the time we had together. Why did we let such trivial things become so important. We believed in each other so much, we always found a way to see the good in each other; past what everyone else saw (or so I’d like to think), and I always thought that someone with such fervor for life would live more of it.

Fast forward to the next weekend and it seems nearly a polar opposite. Drenching rain storms covered the area for days on end, a rarity this time of year in TX. The kids’ allergies were acting up. I felt like I was getting sick. The roof is now leaking in a couple of places. I had car trouble Monday morning with three vehicles in tandem. It was just one tedious, frustrating issue after another and I just wanted someone to help. I wanted her to help. I wanted to be able to lean on her and she lean on me and we just knock out these problems one after another. But it was just me…standing in the rain down the street from my house (‘cause I tried to pop the clutch on my truck to get it to start and it didn’t) feeling pathetic and beat down. My procrastination cause some of my Monday morning crap storm and I was angry at myself for getting in this position and at Mindy for not being there.

The car had a flat so I aired up the tire and drove the mile down the street to get it fixed. It was already flat again when I arrived. I just asked them to fix the flat and rotate the tires. The guy behind the counter picked the wrong person to be smart with that morning and became pretty agreeable after I released a little tension at his expense. He made some comment about why I shouldn’t rotate my tires the way I wanted and normally I would’ve just shrugged it off. This time I decided I should remind him that they are my tires on my car and he would do well to keep to his opinions to himself, except not in so many words.

While I waited for the tire to be fixed I called the insurance company to take care of my leaky roof and tow my van to the shop. I was making good progress, but I just needed someone to help me. Not because I couldn’t do it, although at the time it sure felt that way, but because I just needed to know I wasn’t on my own; so I called in the reinforcements. My grandfather came over and we hung out in the rain trying to work on my flaky, undependable, old truck. Well, he worked; I stood in the rain handing him tools. All the while we waited for the tow service which showed up almost 3hrs late. In retrospect I wish I had done a few things differently, and that is really my point in all of this. Grief becomes so disruptive that I find myself overwhelmed with things that can typically be remedied fairly quickly. Really, I forget that God is bigger than my problems…bigger than my grief.

Whether it’s after a great time out with friends or in the middle of a emotional avalanche there just seems to be no escape. In good times and bad she was truly my other half, and it feels like only half of a life with out her here.

The Mask I Wear

2009-09-04T14:18:00.001-05:00

Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear
For I wear a mask. I wear a thousand masks-
masks that I'm afraid to take off
and none of them are me.
Pretending is an art that's second nature with me
But don't be fooled, for God's sake, don't be fooled.
I give you the impression that I'm secure
That all is sunny and unruffled with me
within as well as without,
that confidence is my name
and coolness my game,
that the water's calm
and I'm in command,
and that I need no one.
But don't believe me. Please!

My surface may be smooth but my surface is my mask,
My ever-varying and ever-concealing mask.
Beneath lies no smugness, no complacence.
Beneath dwells the real me in confusion, in fear, in aloneness.
But I hide this.
I don't want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weaknesses
and fear exposing them.
That's why I frantically create my masks to hide behind.

But I don't tell you this.
I don't dare.
I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid you'll think less of me, that you'll laugh
and your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing, that I'm just no good
and you will see this
and reject me.

I idly chatter to you in suave tones of surface talk.
I tell you everything that's nothing
and nothing of what's everything, of what's crying within me.
So when I'm going through my routine
do not be fooled by what I'm saying
Please listen carefully and try to hear
what I'm not saying
Hear what I'd like to say
but what I can not say.

It will not be easy for you,
long felt inadequacies make my defenses strong.
The nearer you approach me
the blinder I may strike back.
Despite what books say of men, I am irrational;
I fight against the very thing that I cry out for.
you wonder who I am
you shouldn't
for I am everyman
and everywoman
who wears a mask.
Don't be fooled by me.
At least not by the face I wear.
--Author unknown

The important and the eternal

2009-09-01T10:40:00.001-05:00

Some things are important and temporal, others important and eternal...

I want to take a brief break from my usual posts to inform you of something I think is very important. I usually don't use this platform for things outside of my family and our travels through grief, but this time I feel I need to make an exception. Please take a moment to watch the video if you are not familiar with Scott Wilder or the Bible League and the efforts to send bibles around the world.

($4 sends one Bible…$100 sends 25 Bibles…more sends more!) For a very limited time, we have a dollar for dollar match, so whatever you do will be doubled (which means we want to do even more!).

When you call 1-800-YES-WORD, it is very important that you mention ‘Scott Wilder’ so we can include you as part of our total and so that you can be sure any local matching amount is applied to your donation. When you call 1-800-YES-WORD make sure you mention ‘Scott Wilder’ or use this donation link to do so online.

I would ask that if you can not help out with a donation to please take a moment and pray for those that will be delivering these bibles; it can be a dangerous task. A founding member of the Evangelical Council for Financial Accountability, Bible League International is a 501 (c)(3).

Thank you, and now back to your regularly scheduled bemoaning and grieving.

Promotion to grades 1, 2, and 8.

2009-08-31T16:46:00.001-05:00

In the past two weeks a lot has been going on at our house. The kids have been in full swing with their extracurricular activities and we went back to school shopping; I do not like shopping. Then last week the 2009-10 school year began. It’s been really nice having the kids home with me every evening again instead of the hit and miss each week we tried out during the summer. We won’t be doing that again next summer; at least not to that drastic of an extent. It was too hard for me. I felt like a divorcee Dad who only gets to see his kids on particular weekends and various holidays.

Dealing with grief is nothing like I imagined before August 6, 2008. It’s not something that you get over. It’s not something that just passes by. It’s an event that happens, like your own personal Pearl Harbor or 9/11. It redefines your life and, much like these National tragedies, it takes a while to recoup and reorganize into something that resembles a normal life. I do mean resembles as it’s only the outward perception that you display that ever resembles anything normal. Losing Mindy has given me new perspectives on relationships, marital and otherwise. Her effect on my life in the short decade we had together has forever changed me, and for the better. I think I’m a more attentive father compared to my ‘life of before’. Sometimes this attentiveness appears as over protection when it comes to my children, but so be it. As far as I’m concerned my children have endured enough to last well into adulthood, if not all of their lives. I’m certain they will have more pain as they grow we all do, but if life were fair they could skip over the rest of it and just enjoy the everyday miracles in life. I spent my 31st birthday ‘back to school’ shopping with my kids (because the middle school students don’t get supply list until after school starts and everything is sold out!) thinking how much fun Mindy had picking them out backpacks and pencil boxes.

The week school started my Princess got her first pair of glasses. Now she doesn’t squint to read and watch television. She’s a little behind in her reading because she had such a difficult time seeing, but she’s a brilliant little girl so we’ll more than make up for it very quickly. She loves her new glasses. She picked out some High School Musical themed frames and couldn’t wait to show them off at school. I’m glad she’s excited about it, I don’t know if I would’ve had the energy to fight her over it like my parents had to with me when I was young.

At the end of the previous school year I sent off several letters to various school administrators and did not get a reply back from any of them. I at least expected an acknowledgement of the letter, but there was nothing. So this year I expected to again have issues and I was pleasantly surprised that I have had none so far. They put my Princess in class with Sugarbear’s teacher from last year as I requested (Yeah Mrs. H!). My Teen got an acceptable schedule, which was turned in late by me instead of on time by her, with the majority of the classes she wanted. I assume by compliance of those two requests that the other letters were at least read by someone in the school district. It looks to be a promising year even though I’ve heard horror stories already from other parents in our district. To be fair I must say that I’ve only had an issue with one teacher at the middle school level. The other teachers have been great for my kids, it’s the administration that frays the last remaining threads of my sanity. It’s pretty apparent that I’m not the only parent with that experience in this district.

My Teen has shown some remarkable growth in the past few months. She even made dinner one night last week without any prompting from me, and it wasn’t just spaghetti or some frozen dinners. She made roasted chicken and it was really good. She has on a couple of occasions taken it upon herself to do some laundry and as much as I sternly remind her of areas that need a little work I also remind her that she is a wonderful young lady. I think some of what I’m saying might been sinking in…just a little bit. Only time will tell but I’ve been impressed with how they have all dealt with the crazy schedules and non existent routine this summer. It looks like a promising start to the year. I just wish Mindy were here to see what a wonderful little personalities our kids are growing into.

Happy birthday, my love

2009-08-13T13:59:00.001-05:00

Yesterday was a bit hectic but I managed to squeeze in the things that I think are important. Yesterday Mindy would have been 35 years old. I would have been giving her a hard time I’m sure. She like to tease me early on about how much younger I was than her (only 4 years) and I told her then it would come back around to her. As we got older, the 4 years seemed less and less of a gap. But as I’ve mentioned before, it was always a good tease in August as our birthdays are two weeks apart; hers before mine.

One night a few weeks ago I locked myself out of my house; there’s a whole story to that but I mention it only to say that I eventually broke out a window in our dining room to get back in. Yesterday morning the glass repair man came with my new window and the kids were entertained for about 45 minutes while they watched him replace the panes. Once he was done I checked the first thing off our list of ‘To Do’s’ for the day. We ran a few errands and got back home for lunch and I started baking Mindy’s birthday cake. It was a pathetic…very home made cake but it tasted good.

Last year Aunt Jen brought us the cake and we all sang “Happy Birthday” around the table. I thought it was simple and memorable; just the kind of thing I could repeat year after year to help the kids remember her. Mindy didn’t like many cakes, especially chocolate. Last year we had a red velvet cake with cream cheese icing so to keep things simple we did so again. When I was done preparing the cake I got all the kids to reluctantly sing “Happy Birthday” with me. This year feels much different from last but, to me, the important thing is that we have a repeatable way to acknowledge it all. Something the kids will come to expect.

We all went out to the grave site and I asked the kids if they wanted to go with me to her stone. None of them cared to go so they happily sat in the car with the cold A/C blowing and the radio on while I took a few minutes to spend with her. I’ve been out to see Mindy at least once a month for the past year; mostly by myself. This time was different. I can’t really explain why it was different; it just felt more empty. I didn’t get the release I had before after spending a little time there. Maybe it was because we were rushing through the day. Whatever the reason it definitely felt different. I hopped back in the car and we were off to Mindy’s parent’s house.

My sisters ~~in law~~ were there and the kids got to play more with their cousins. I wish I had more time to really visit but this week has been a mad dash from one place to another and my head has been spinning. I wish there were a few more hours in the day to get all our stuff done. We spent a few hours with them and then it was a dash back to the other side of town. So far this week my plans to ease the kids back into a schedule more convenient for the upcoming school year isn’t working. But we made time for family, and we continued to remember Mindy. That was the important part.

What comes down must bounce

2009-08-10T15:47:00.001-05:00

This is going to be a busy week for the kids and for me, the chauffeur. We have places to be (after my 9-5 of course) every night with three events on Saturday. It’s the weeks like these that I really get upset that I am now a single parent against my will. Now, I’m the one who scheduled all these events (or negotiated the scheduling) for us but they needed to be done before school starts which doesn’t allow for much time. I continue to have quite a lot of help from family but it’s not the seamless transfer of duty like you have in a two parent home.

The kids are with N&P this week while I’m at the office and as I left from there last night, after the kids were in bed, I just felt overwhelmed. It didn’t help that I was rushed that morning and didn’t get everything done. I had procrastinated the night before so I have myself to blame and the Teen didn’t pack everything she needed; this isn’t the first time she’s failed to do so. All in all it was just a bunch of little things that added up. Little things that in my ‘life of before’ I could’ve split up between Mindy and I; together we could’ve had covered it all. Little things that individually are no big deal, and collectively are still manageable, but I can’t always delegate, or be the delegate, like before.

The more overwhelming things seem to be the more I say out loud what I should do. It’s sort of a way to let myself know that I understand what to do; it’s just the ‘getting it done’ piece of the puzzle that is hard to fit in. I was on my way home last night and my mind was racing. Planning this and that; trying to work out a tentative schedule for the next few weeks. By the time I got home I was asking out loud what should be next, and for a split second I fully expected Mindy to answer. For a split second I thought she would be there to help carry the load. I caught myself falling into that old routine. I caught myself living in a past that will never again be my life. It only took that split second to light the fuse.

Whatever bits and pieces I had worked out in my head up to that point have all been lost. I spent the rest of the evening staring at piles of her stuff that have been in the same place for nearly a year. Looking over pictures still not in frames, the kitchen she started painting…still not painted. The life we had yet to finish planning for will, forever, stay unfinished. It’s not often that my thoughts devolve so quickly or so thoroughly as to bring up this mix of intense anger and debilitating sadness; but there I sat. Just passed the lonely anniversary of her death and preparing for her birthday to burst onto the scene as yet another stark reminder. I eventually turned out the lights and sat in the dark still staring at all the items on her bedside table. Most of them have been there for well over a year. If not for the cleaning service they would be covered in a good bit of dust.

It’s maddening to feel so alone while surrounded by so many helpful people. It feels so hopeless at times to think that I will most likely have to continue raising our children as a single widower father. It’s such a struggle to be a single parent, but honestly, I couldn’t imagine letting anyone else get near my kids. I couldn’t imagine letting anyone else get close enough to me to ever be close to them. But that’s fodder for another post.

Maybe I’m just wallowing in the grief as I refuse to acknowledge its presence this week; and last week as well. I want to be strong and independent. I want to be able to tackle anything that stands in my way, grief included. But the like so many things in life, the more I try to tighten my grip and keep control the faster things slip through my fingers. Knowing in your head is one thing; convincing your heart to follow along is another thing entirely. I can’t let go. I don’t want to let go.

Some days I have a relaxing peace that everything is as it should be. My beautiful wife isn’t here hurting and confined to this life; she has been released. But I still selfishly want her here, and the more I wish she was here the faster that peace flees. With school around the corner I see the vicious, endless circle of my routine clearly. To avoid the grief I become so busy I have no time to find myself enveloped like this then the fast pace wears me down and I get frustrated that I can’t do it all. Once I’m worn sufficiently I slow down to rest and recoup; only to be swallowed by grief again. To escape the grief I look fill my schedule and we ride around this track once again.

I allowed myself the remainder of the night to wallow. Today, I refuse it. Today is a new day; a new week. I granted myself the wallowing since a year ago that day we were at the funeral. A year ago my baby girl release a balloon for Momma’s “party in the sky”. I’ll start that uphill climb once again and keep hoping that when I fall back to the bottom no one will see. As things continue to slip through my fingers I still wear that mask that says I’m okay. The mask blurs the beginning and the end of each trip around the circle. Blurs the black and white into a mundane grey; a shallow grey that hides all the fear and frustration just under the surface.

That’s what most of the world is comfortable seeing, and that’s what most are comfortable showing.

August 6th

2009-08-06T23:59:00.000-05:00

The real anniversary wasn’t as much of a punch to the gut as the Wednesday of this week. Partly because I didn’t stay at home, partly because I kept busy with other distractions, and partly because it was a Thursday. I spent the night over at N&P’s, which is always and enjoyable time. The kids are still with cousins in Houston. I called them yesterday to see how they were doing. They were having too much fun to spend time with me on the phone which was a great relief to me. I was going to ask my sisters ~~in-law~~ how they were doing today, 365 days later, but they too were busy. That was also a relief to me.

I spent the morning getting some minor house repairs in order and doing a little cleaning. I told my boss earlier in the week that I would be pulling my widower card (nod to Supa for that) and not coming in today; mostly cause I didn’t know how I would handle this anniversary. All in all it was a fairly normal day. All the mourning, grieving, and crying was mostly done yesterday…alone as usual. I hate to cry in front of other people. I guess maybe I should’ve taken yesterday off instead.

Mindy always wanted us to get tattoos for each other; I always turned her down. I wasn’t necessarily against the idea, but for me since it’s a (mostly) permanent marker it should signify something you want to always remember. I never, in my worst nightmare, thought that I’d want anything to remind me of her…I shouldn’t need reminding. She should always be with me, or so I thought it would go. Now I grasp at anything that will help me remember things about her. I have my posts here, I jot down little notes, and I have keepsakes and photos all to help me keep her close. But today, 365 days later, I got a memorial tattoo for Mindy; well really for me. It’s a cross with angels wings. There are three roses at the bottom, one for each of our children and the banner states ‘1 THESS 4:13’ a verse that has meant more to me in the last year than any other.

It still doesn’t seem as though it has been a year. I can still remember her smile, her soft skin, her laugh. I can still hear her call my name from across the house. When I put something off I can imagine her nagging at me to do it now rather than later. I can still imagine what life would be like if she were still here, and it seems like she was with me not so long ago. Her birthday is in 6 more days. She would’ve been 35 this year.

One year down…a lifetime to go.

Life…52 weeks later

2009-08-05T16:18:00.001-05:00

I woke up this morning and immediately thought of Mindy. I didn’t think that the full weight of it all would hit me until tomorrow…that is, after all, the ‘real’ anniversary. But today is Wednesday. Wednesday was the day 52 weeks ago when I lost my best friend. This morning the full weight of that hit me just as it did that morning.

I hopped into the shower to get ready for work, the same as I did that morning 52 weeks ago. But this time the house was quiet. No sleeping children; no snoring spouse. I grabbed my blackberry and as I put it on my belt I recalled that I could’ve made that call to 911 on my cell phone that morning…but I called from the land line. I walked through the living room purposely avoiding the space where I found her laying on the floor (I’ve moved the furniture to help with that) and walked out the front door.

Today is not as bad as that day was. Today is not the day I had to perform CPR on my wife to no avail. Today is not the day I had to tell my children that their mother would never come home. But today is up there near the top of the list. There are other days that I lost it; days that I am glad I was alone so no one could see me ball my eyes out like a little kid, but today marks a bittersweet milestone. We made it a whole year and we’re still in one piece. A whole year has passed and we’ve kept each other from completely falling apart. It makes me smile to know I have such great kids, and so sad to know Mindy won’t be there to praise them as they achieve great things in their lives.

As I wrote this, I received a card from my co-workers. I didn’t think they would remember what day it was…I was wrong. I’m so blessed to have such wonderful family and friends to lean on. I couldn’t have made it through a whole year on my own. I’m still a basket case some days but everyday I get a little stronger. Everyday it gets a little easier to know that I’ve made it one more day without her. My children have survived one more day in my care with only memories of their mother’s love.

I still sleep with pillows in the middle of the bed, so it feels like she’s there…but I’m sleeping; a little more here and there. I still see things that I know she would find funny; I tell her…in my head. I still get mad when the kids are tired and whining that she’s not here to help…but I’m blessed that they still remember so much about her.

I’m still heartbroken….but we are doing well.

One in infinity

2009-08-04T01:23:00.001-05:00

This week is off to a horrible start. The fact that this week would be crappy was pretty much a given, but it’s not what I expected.

In my dreams she’s right there…standing just in front of me and we’re having a conversation about insignificant things. I notice the way she looks at me and just when I realize how wonderful it is to be with her again, I’m awake. Now I stare across a dark empty room. I can be still and quiet, or wander about the house aimlessly…

There is no one calling me back to bed.

There is no one complaining that I fell asleep with the TV on, again.

There is no one sliding their foot next to mine under the covers just to be in contact as we sleep.

There is no one waking me because my snoring is waking them.

When I want to talk…when I want to scream…when I want someone to understand what I feel with just a look…

There is no one.

Not one like her any where in the world.

What to do next?

2009-07-31T14:22:00.001-05:00

I have read and participated somewhat in a widow/er group in Facebook. One of the topics I was interested in was concerning how long people find it appropriate to continue wearing their wedding rings. I know how many have done so, such as Matt and 3SF, from their blogs and it helped give me a little perspective but it hasn’t really helped me make up my mind. 3SF said his promotion from his left to right hand was more or less planned, and until I read his account just the other night I too had a plan of sorts. But the more I ponder how long is long enough…how long is too long…the less I feel I’m ready.

The issue for me is that on most days I feel like a single father of three, first and foremost. There are a few days, randomly selected by this brooding monster of grief, that I feel primarily the widower of my beautiful late wife. On the more frequent days, when life is a normal as we can now expect it to be, I could handle removing the ring or moving it from my left to right hand. Even though those more normal days are the more frequent days, they lesser and more selective grieving days are still more powerful. I still feel an enormous amount of guilt that for all accounts I ~~can’t explain~~ ~~can’t understand~~ can’t get passed. I don’t carry a burden of guilt because she is dead, but because I could’ve been a better partner when she was sharing her life with me. This guilt seems ridiculous to carry around on most days; it’s the fewer, more potent, days that really make the difference.

On those days the past is more important to me; not dwelling in it as if I could change something. More a remembrance of it to relive the details for my children. On those fewer days I couldn’t imagine taking this ring off my left hand for any amount of time. I feel there’s some mosaic shade of hypocrisy in that I berate the State agents for not acknowledging that I’m no longer married and yet I can’t remove this ring because I still feel, at times, very much married.

Now, as I write this, I’ve become aware that in the past week or so those fewer days have been not so few. The guilt a little heavier of a burden with which I wish I could part ways. I think of my children and wonder if they even care that I wear this ring. Not that I wear it for them, but that I’m consumed with how they will react with every little decision I make. Do they understand what the ring represents? When my parents were divorced I kept my father’s wedding ring for a very long time (I haven’t a clue where it is today) because I understood what it represented and, as most children of divorce do, I held out hope that he would need the ring again one day if they decided to reconcile. That day did not and will not come, but I understood then what the ring symbolized. Now as a widower the symbolism is more than ‘till death do us part’. Now the ring means “I remember our life together”, it means “I still love you”, and it means “You are always apart of me”.

As I approach the first anniversary of Mindy’s death…the first anniversary of the end of our ‘life of before’, which was the date I thought I could remove the ring, I find that I am undoubtedly not ready to relieve myself of this reminder. I still need to feel it around my finger; to be able to twist it around and around while remembering how blessed I was for those 10+ years. I still need to allow myself to feel married on those fewer days, regardless of how frequent they become. So as it does so many times, writing this entry has helped me make up my mind…I’m not ready to part with the ring just yet. I think I’ll let spontaneity determine the right time and place for that as my plans seem a bit premature.

The next week will hold what I hope to be, but realistically know won’t be, the last “first”. For this next week, as I have no idea what to expect of myself, I reserve the right to completely collapse. The children will be distracted by a short trip to visit cousins and I have filled my calendar so I won’t have much time to “think”. But with each day I inch closer and I just want to clear the calendar and crawl in bed. If I could sleep through the entire month I would. Given the chance I would pass over the death anniversary, my Father’s birthday (her funeral was on his birthday), Mindy’s birthday, and my birthday. All this occurred in August; all were tough days last year with little expectation of any difference this year.

Lazy but not illiterate

2009-07-30T15:02:00.001-05:00

So maybe I jumped the gun a little about the State. Not that they weren’t completely incompetent in deciphering the information that they, themselves, requested I send in but it ended up not being such an ordeal to straighten out. It took less than 20 phone calls (still annoying, but I’ve met with worse.) to get it all in order.

The agent at the State Heath Services department NEVER answered her phone if I called directly. But if I “chose the wrong option” in the automated system and then asked to be transferred she amazingly picked up every time. I had to also consult my attorney that handled the adoption as well as the Social Security Administration to make sure all the ducks were in a row before nudging the State to do the right thing. All in all it’s a closed issue.

I hope.

The new birth certificate should be sent out next week so I will hopefully have ample time to get the school district’s paperwork in order. The new birth certificate will list my name only and I’m disappointed that it worked out that way. But according to my attorney the other option was to file another lawsuit and I wasn’t about to reach for Pandora’s box. Although now it will be obvious to the casual observer that the birth certificate has been amended in some fashion.

I think in light of this I may just go ahead and get the Teen a passport to, in many cases, avoid using the birth certificate. Besides when I returned from Panama last April, before Mindy passed, I told her it would be nice to take her and the kids there. I made her a video while I was there and I’m not sure if I ever got around to showing it to her. Maybe the kids and I can revisit Panama to make a new video and get a new stamp in the passport.

So catastrophe has been avoided and I can go back to getting anxious about next week.

Can’t you read?

2009-07-27T14:00:00.001-05:00

I was under the impression that since the adoption was complete that I was in the clear. I was wrong. It appears that the great State of Texas requires that you send in paperwork to which they have no intention of reading. Such is the case with my Order Granting Adoption. I need these documents in order to properly enroll her in school. I sent in the order, along with the Certificate of Adoption and the required fee as requested by the State only to receive a letter in return that my request could not be completed because the child’s mother did not join in the petition.

The agent handling my request at the State office got a concise email and several voicemails to inform her that had she bothered to read the documents I sent in it is clearly stated that the child’s mother is not included as a petitioner because she is deceased!! To this point all attempts to contact the agent to ask her to actually read the paperwork I was requested to send in have met with no response.

So to quickly recap; I sent in the documents and the fee. The State waited three weeks to cash my check for the fees and waited an additional month to notify me they couldn’t complete my request. All attempts at contact have been fruitless and school starts in three weeks. I can only envision the mess I’ll have trying to straighten this all out with the State, then the school, and then the Social Security office. I just have no patience for this sort of laziness.

My Gold Medalist

2009-07-22T13:31:00.000-05:00

My Sugarbear had his gymnastics evaluation yesterday evening and as expected he aced it! They ran him through the rings, balance bars, parallel bars, and more. He gets to move up to the “Silver Level” class for next year. He loves gymnastics and he’s getting to be very flexible. He makes it look so easy and fun, so Princess decided she wanted in on that too. We got her all signed up to take a class at the same time each week as her big brother.

My very smart and talented gymnast gets overlooked, not out of intention but of application. He’s the middle of three children, and my only son. His older sister has entered the teen years and requires keen guidance. His younger sister is the baby girl and still wants to be held and helped. He is my little rock; he manages so much on his own. He likes to work things out on his own and be acknowledged for what he alone has done. He’s a thinker and will one day solve great problems, I’m sure. I’m so proud of him. His mother would be so proud of him. We’re looking forward to another year of accomplishments. Congratulations son!

Road Trip!!

2009-07-20T12:00:00.001-05:00

The kids have been off having a blast while I work for the past couple of weeks. This weekend, in an attempt to “catch up” with them we took a short day trip to Dr. Pepper, TX (aka Dublin, TX). The kids had no idea of what to expect, I didn’t tell them much about our trip outside of the fact that we were going to Dublin. So in the car I got the usual “how far away are we?” and “are we here yet?” audibles about ever 10 minutes.

We enjoyed all the themed treats we could indulge in when we got there. We of course had a REAL Dr. Pepper along with other treats like Dr. Pepper marinated beef jerky, Dr. Pepper fudge, and we couldn’t leave without having a Dr. Pepper float. We took the tour of the specialized bottling plant and grabbed a few souvenirs before heading back home. All the kids had a blast; even one certain Teen who pretended to be bored out of her mind.

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There are only a few weeks left of summer, even fewer that are available for a short trip, but we’re going to have at least two more little excursions before school starts up again. Maybe it will distract them enough to not totally immerse themselves in what happened at the end of last summer. Just a distraction, not a delusion.

We still have loose ends

2009-07-20T11:36:00.001-05:00

After Mindy passed, nearly a year ago, I began to get a lot of paperwork in order that we should have done well before anything happened. I had my will drawn up, a trust created, got all my insurance in order, and took care of the adoption that Mindy and I had been talking about for some time. We put many of these things off because who really expects to die at 33? Is it realistic to prepare to be a widower at 30? Obviously, YES!

When the adoption was complete, my very awesome attorney told me that since I had just deposited additional money into my retainer that I should have some money coming back. I too expected this as I had put in a couple of thousand just the week before. Fast forward 10 weeks and I get the final invoice in the mail. Amazingly there is no refund. Not only that, but I was about $650 short. She graciously adjusted off the remaining balance so that in effect I broke even. I would highly recommend her for any family law concerns you have in Tarrant County, but I should’ve expected that given enough time…the refund would disappear. Even without the refund I ended up not spending quite $10k on the whole process; which I understand is about the norm. So I guess I still came off on the better side of it all. It sure would’ve been nice to have a little change back though. I’ve filed for the updated birth certificate, which I have yet to receive, and will get the Social Security information updated if the new birth certificate ever shows up. All of that is out of my hands for now while we wait on the great State of Texas to get everything in order.

For a good while there I was actually dealing with 5 separate attorneys at the same time, keeping each of my little issues compartmentalized. I’m down to just 1 now, the counselor who is filing my trust and final will. He’s been working on this for several months and keeps promising me documents…to which I have none. I have paid him all but the last few hundred dollars and I’m visiting him today. He should have the paper work ready…if not I’ll be a few hundred dollars better for a while longer. Again with the attorneys and money, I guess all the jokes and stereotypes aren’t too far off.

At least my insurance is all cared for and there was no hassle in setting it up at all. Too bad my finance guy who did my insurance can’t take care of the other stuff too!

So here we sit, quickly approaching a year since our lives changed forever, still dealing with the aftermath. I know that to some degree we always will be, but it would be nice to have these things checked off the list. I have this idea that if I get all these things checked off that my life might slow down to something resembling the pace I had in my life of before, but I know in reality it never will. I know this is my new life…I just haven’t fully accepted it yet.

I still laugh at our inside jokes…

2009-07-17T16:43:00.001-05:00

It’s been another week of me trying to stay busy in the evenings without the kids at home. It’s been increasingly difficult to sleep. I think it’s partly because the house is so quiet and partly the anticipation of what is just around the corner…52 weeks later. I have had an absolute blast being out with friends, sans kiddos. But it is all fleeting; as soon as I come home and walk through that front door it all seems to be a just a little surreal.

It rained last night for a good while, and since I couldn’t sleep anyway (having another surreal moment) I figured…why not go stand in the rain? So, at about 2am I was out on the driveway soaking in the rare TX summer rain. The rain drops were unusually warm as they fell from the sky. The ground, still hot from the days sunlight, seemed to almost steam with each drop. The fresh rain smell was in the air and for just a moment all I thought about was how beautiful it all was.

Then a bolt of lightning lit up the night sky and I figured it would be better to watch from indoors…just in case. I’m not to keen on becoming a lightning rod, or ending up like the character, Mr. Daws, in ‘The Curious Case of Benjamin Button’.

In the last couple of weeks, as I indulge in the extra time I have to spend with friends, I am constantly thinking that Mindy would’ve loved this. She’s such a social butterfly; always wanting to be with friends. I was the one who never really wanted to go out much. It seems like I’ve been compensating for her in my own behavior lately. I haven’t been quite as laid back and easy going as I was before. Instead I seemed to have taken on some of Mindy’s concise, to the point, and some times confrontational nature. Maybe I just want to think that because it makes me feel good, maybe it’s actually true. I don’t really care which the result is the same. The result is that I feel like I can carry her with me where ever I go. I can enjoy life and know she would’ve enjoyed it too. She would enjoy being out with me, creating memories to share later. As sad as that could sound since she’s no longer here…it’s actually a very peaceful, inviting thought for me.

I don’t really know how to explain it more than that. If you watched the FOX show ‘Fringe’ where the main FBI agent shares her memories with a former partner by way of some weird experiment…that sort of the same. Only without the scary water tank, electrodes, or trance inducing hypnotism. Although I’m not trying to find odd terrorist types using her memory. I like to think we remembered things similarly. So that when I smile about something we did together…she is smiling too.

Cooling off

2009-07-10T11:05:00.001-05:00

Yesterday morning, as most any, I checked the weather before heading out for work. The nice weatherman said it would be sunny and hot all day; a typical TX summer day. I wrap up my morning routine and leave for work on the Harley, but I didn’t get 5 miles from the house when it started pouring rain. Not, this is annoying cause I’m on a bike and I’m wet rain. No. This is cars pulling off the road cause they can’t see rain! The rain drops were like little darts of ice poking at me, and the overpass I huddled under seemed so far away when the surprise downpour started. It was a very brief, very cold rain. Only about a quarter mile of the highway was even wet, but I was soaked.

Really, really soaked. Squishy socks inside my shoes soaked.

Luckily the rest of the ride in was dry, and at 60+ MPH you dry out in just a few minutes. It makes that memorable part of my morning bearable. The real highlight of the day was going out to see my little monkeys at my Mom’s. It wasn’t anything too exciting but having them gone all week is really getting to me so I had to make the drive out to see them. Princess and Sugarbear both asked if they could come home with me and I would’ve loved to have them with me. But aside from the whole full time job thing, I rode my Harley out there and there just wasn’t enough room. They will be gone again next week…all week; again. We have a little weekend trip planned that is coming up soon and I’m really looking forward to having them all in the car for a few hours. Road trips are great for catching up with your kiddos!

Without the kids on the weeknights, it’s been pretty uneventful. I’ve watched a lot of carefully selected movies (re: mindless comedies that hopefully won’t trigger grief) and spent some time with my Dad. Mindy has crossed my mind several times each and everyday, but there hasn’t been any “moments” that I have to deal with. So far all the thoughts I’ve had of our time together have been wonderful, smile inducing memories. Such as the time we took the kids to the State Fair a few years back; Mindy walked my Teen (then only about 8 years old) through the petting zoo. Sugarbear and Princess were in the double stroller and somehow Sugarbear got his little toddler hands on the goat food…which was then toddler food. Gross, but funny. I don’t remember why I was waiting on them outside the tent but I missed all the real action. The expressions on Mindy’s face as she told me…priceless. I was probably buying drinks or something as it’s always hot at the State Fair.

I’ll try really hard to stay off my soapbox here, but it’s nice to have a little break from all the little daily reminders that she’s gone…for the rest of my life. And in this world of misplaced adoration, and people “grieving” for celebrities they’ve never met (Sad…ok, but grieving…they don’t have a clue). I’m glad my kids have a real understanding of the importance of life, the gravity of death, and what it means to really grieve. Even thought the trip is unwelcome and unwanted we will be better at it’s end for having taken it. Better than we would’ve been if we tried to ignore it or deal with this as most of the world would have us “work through” this.

I’m just glad I have highlights to any given day. I’m thankful that even though I miss them terribly my kids are well cared for while I’m off at work. I’m blessed to have such wonderful memories of a wonderful life with a wonderful partner. I just hope I can get these memories all written down to share with my kids before time washes them away. As much as I want to stay dry on my bike, it was nice to cool off from this Texas heat.

Life…a year ago today

2009-07-07T23:47:00.000-05:00

I had to look at the calendar to see what I was doing one year ago today. As I read through the entries all the events were vaguely familiar; but I would never have remembered them on my own. The week following July 4th one year ago the kids went to spend a week with my Mom. Ironically, that’s where they are this week. It’s not an annual tradition plans just worked out that way. I was coming home from work each night to Mindy; it seemed such a simple thing then. I took for granted that when I opened that door she’d be on the other side. That week she was calling me constantly…she missed the kids and she got very anxious. She knew she couldn’t call to my Mom’s fifty times a day so she called to talked with the kids, and then called me all day to tell me that she missed them. I wish I could call her to tell her how much I miss her.

I miss the kids too. They’ve been bouncing around between family members this summer and I feel like I’m not getting to see them enough. But I know this way is better for them than having them in a day care while I’m at work. I try to stay busy after work to make the week go by quicker but I’m running out of motivation. I don’t know if it’s because I’m trying so hard not to think of the fact that I’m one month away from the anniversary of the end of my life of before, or if I’m just getting worn out from the hectic summer schedule of shuffling the little monkeys from house to house and trying to cram in some time with them in between. Realistically, it’s probably both.

This time last year Mindy and I were coming off a bad month. In May she found her way into trouble again and the month of June was tense as we waited to see what the fallout would be, so we argued. Her doctors were attempting to regulate her meds and they kept adjusting them up and down and I’m sure that didn’t make it any easier for her. The higher the dose was, the easier it was for her to function “normally”. But the side effects increased and became intolerable. The doctors were trying to find that middle ground of tolerable side effects and beneficial regulation. They never made it; they ran out of time.

The week the kids were back home after visiting my Mom Mindy found a new energy. She was taking the kids out for lunch and straightening up the house and just generally taking good care of things. She and I were getting along better than ever before. I found myself daydreaming about what our future would look like and we’d talk about it at night when the kids went to bed. That hadn’t happened in our marriage in quite a while and it was a very welcome change. I really enjoyed my life in July 2008.

We’ll see what the rest of July 2009 has in store.

My little monkeys are just as brown as can be from the sun. SPF 70 is no match for the countless hours they’ve spent in the pool the last several weeks. The Teen…not so much. She’s spent most of the summer inside on the computer or the phone. Princess and Sugarbear have become pretty good swimmers. Both are swimming underwater which they would never do before. I wish we could find time to head out to the lake. I would love to get my Teen and Sugarbear on water skis. I’m just so thankful I have good kids. I couldn’t imagine doing all this and having to fight through behavioral problems or something along those lines. Now if I can just keep all the adults they interact with from pulling them in too many different directions I’ll be set. But that’s fodder for another post all together.

I hope everyone out there had a wonderful Independence Day weekend and thanked a soldier or veteran for allowing us to continue to celebrate our independence.

Princess with Sparklers

11 months down; a lifetime to go.

Life…the week of June 22

2009-06-29T13:58:00.002-05:00

It’s been a tough week and I’m worn out. At least for now it appears that next week will be a total opposite. Next week should be quiet and relaxing…I hope.

Last Monday I put my Teen on a flight out to see her paternal grandparents to fulfill a promise I made her when the adoption process began. I was weary about sending her out of the state until the adoption was final but she wanted to see her Bio Dad’s family. As part of the final adoption we put in language that any visits to see his family would be with the paternal grandparents, they would be the ones responsible for her care. I sent the flight information to them about a month ahead of time, then confirmed about a week prior. The Teen and I packed bags and headed for her 6:35a flight out to see them and I saw her off at the flight gate. A couple of hours later I got a text message (the only way teens seem to communicate) that she had landed. I was thrilled; I didn’t ask her to call or text me she took it up herself to do so…for her that is huge! About 10 min later I got another text, nobody had shown up to claim her. I started making phone calls while trying to keep her calm and finally got in touch with her grandmother at the office. A few minutes later a call from Bio Dad as he was at the airport with his father. They said they’d been there for a while looking for her (now 30min on the ground with no contact) but hadn’t been able to locate her.First of all SHE HAS HER CELL PHONE! And secondly, this airport has two terminals…yeah TWO! It’s not like they had to search LAX or something to find her!

It’s my opinion that they showed up late and were alerted of my phone calls which in turn prompted their call. After reaching me they found her, and 45min after her plane landed she was on her way. I’ve sent her a few text messages through the week and she seems to be having a good time. I just feel like they go out of their way to make it obvious that they don’t really care. They go through the motions and say the right things, but it’s the little things that speak volumes. The options to take her to dinner while their in town, and they refuse. The prior chances to visit her when not court ordered…not even thought about. Some times it’s hard to not say negative things about them around her, but I know she’s almost old enough to see it all for herself.

Tuesday was a fairly normal day, and Wednesday should have been. The A/C service man came out for the semi-annual tune up on our A/C units. He was only there for a little over an hour and it all seemed well when he left. Thursday was our night at The WARM Place so we didn’t get home until late so we didn’t notice much about the temperature in the house but Friday it was HOT! It turns out that whatever the service man did on Wed during the preventative maintenance has us sitting in the heat now. He’s coming back out, of course, but it could never be soon enough. Even with the larger downstairs unit working the house isn’t cool so we’ve been out to eat and anywhere I can think of that will entertain the kids and keep us cool.

Thursday at The WARM Place the topic of dating was brought up and how to deal with the children’s emotions when a widow/er begins to date. Since this is a topic I’m not ready to discuss (at least publicly) I was pretty quiet, and the fact that I was the only male in the room this week ensured I didn’t say much! It was nice though to hear what these women had been going through and how they’ve dealt with it. I have really started enjoying my time at The WARM Place despite my strong hesitations to going originally. But like any time we go the “triggers” are always there in abundance so it’s always a demanding evening for me.

We’re gearing up for the July 4th weekend and the kids are looking forward to seeing their cousins. We want to get out to Nonnie June’s and over to Mindy’s parent’s for a little bit, but it’s looking more and more like we’ll have to choose just one. Either way we’ll have plenty of fireworks and fun. I hope your Independence Day we’ll be as fun as our should be; and I hope we can all stay cool in this summer heat!

Princess Ballerina

2009-06-24T18:57:00.001-05:00

Runtime 5:57

The video may be a bit long for some, but I couldn't help it. I'm so proud of my little princess. This was taken last week at her recital and I wish I could make her smile that big everyday! A huge "THANK YOU!!" to Aunt Jen for helping out with hair, make up, costume changes, etc. She took the best pictures too. I'll try to post a few a little later.

You were brilliant little Princess. What a graceful little dancer! I absolutely love watching you dance. You remind me of your mother more and more every day.

Father's Day

2009-06-21T22:53:00.004-05:00

In 2001 I was working third shift in a call center for TXU. One warm spring morning Mindy woke me up around 9:30am; I had just fallen asleep after working a double. She crouched down next to the bed and said "Honey, your going to be a Daddy." I opened my eyes and tried to mutter some response but I was exhausted. She let me fall back to sleep and we celebrated later that afternoon. I'll never, ever forget that groggy morning when I found out she was pregnant with Sugarbear. Father's Day with my Teen had always been a special day, even before that morning. The adoption spurred feelings similar to that morning when we finalized that whole ordeal. But it's something special to know that you brought a life into this world!

Father's Day is one of my favorite holidays and Mindy always made it a big deal (as I tried to do on Mother's Day). I have numerous T-Shirts from the kids that have "Daddy platitudes" on them that I usually wear all through June. Last year the Friday before Father's Day ~~I bought~~ the kids got me a motorcycle for Father's Day and I had pictured Mindy and I cruising around on it all over the place. As it turns out she only rode with me twice.

This year the day was still special, and thank you Chick-fil-a for the "Father's Day Chocolate Shake"! I think I have the greatest kids in the world and they have been so strong for each other as well as me. Even when the Teen rolls her eyes while I enjoy my free shake. But it's just never the same without my strongest supporter in my corner. This is another "first". The first Father's Day as a single dad of half orphaned children. And it's tough thinking about how great it is to be a dad when the woman who brought all three of my wonderful children into this world is no longer apart of it.

I can't help but think that my words sound like a broken record...

I miss her, she's gone.

I miss her, she's gone.

But it's odd that it's the same description but it's not the same feeling. It's the same symptoms (your throat gets tight, your eyes water, your stomach knots itself up, etc.) But emotionally it's not the same; each one of these "firsts" are a little different from the last. This one wasn't preceded by the usual anxiety of a coming holiday without her. This time the bottom fell out when I went through my Teen's bag as she packed for a trip to see her paternal grandparents. As per usual teenage logic she didn't pack enough clothes or other essentials and just planned on wearing "...whatever". We talked and I explained some things to her and the whole time I'm thinking this is a mother/daughter conversation. I can do this; I will do this. But if Mindy where here I wouldn't be doing this; she would. It makes me so thankful for all my wonderful sisters ~~in-law~~ that help out. It takes a mix of all of us to even begin to fill Mindy's shoes in these kid's lives and that point is what got me tonight.

On August 5, 2008 I loved Mindy more than I did February 11, 2000. Today I miss her more than I did August 6, 2008. We had a successful marriage...I'm confident in saying that now. We talked about divorce a few times; it very nearly became a reality once. But we never went down that road. Someone once told me that it doesn't matter if you think you married the right woman or not. If your married, she's the right woman. After all we went through, and we put each other to the test on occasion, we CHOSE to stay together. Mindy had issues that she couldn't overcome but I was no saint. I pulled my fair share of stupid acts and put her in some tough spots myself. But this Father's Day I'm just thankful for my beautiful kids, and I miss my wife terribly. I wish I could just tell her how much better of a husband I should have been and that she was always the right woman for me. I wish she could appreciate how difficult it is to fill her void in our lives. She often was under appreciated and I just wish she was here to see what I see in retrospect.

I miss her, she's gone.

Dream a little dream

2009-06-15T00:31:00.001-05:00

Last night I was thinking of the last post I read from Crash Course Widow, and how I may have lost some focus on this blog. I want it to be a record that my kids can read years from now and understand what we went through the years after we lost our wife and mother. Along the way I’ve used the blog to help myself work through thoughts…to organize the clutter in my head. But I looked back and one of the busiest months was May with the kids having activities going on left and right. Yet I put up only four posts. Not that I have a quota or something, but it just seems like if I’m going to capture what life is really like for us now, I need to capture all of life. I use this as my pseudo anonymous space to vent, but I also use this as a sounding board to capture my memories of my late loving wife. If the kids are really going to relate to any of this I need to include some of what is going on in their lives also…I think.

Today was a nice, and quite full day. I woke up a little earlier than normal with a vivid memory of a very bizarre dream including Mindy. At the end of the dream she’s laying in bed, fully dressed, under the covers. I’m walking down a hallway and see her and jump onto the bed next to her. In the dream we’re not married but we had been (sort of like now, only with her alive) so I give her a quick kiss and she smiles at me. I start to say something and…I wake up. I headed into the kitchen and fixed some breakfast which the kids mostly ignored as we got ready for church. After the church services we had to run to the other side of town to get Princess to an extra dance class before her dress rehearsal tomorrow.

When the dress rehearsal was done we were all little grumpy from all the running around. The last thing I wanted to do was head home and lounge at the house with three grumpy kids. As it worked out I got a text message on the way home to invite us out to the lake. I quickly worked up a list of things we’d need in my head and we ran home to change clothes and grab an ice chest full of drinks. We spent the next several hours with good company in good weather. My sister ~~in law~~ even joined us for a while too! Although she got caught in a little fender bender and probably wishes she could’ve missed out on that.

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Tonight as I sit here pondering life’s direction I can’t help hope that I find my way back into last nights dream. I know it’s just a dream, but it seems like I get another chance to talk to her. To hold her hand and feel her beautiful curly hair brush against my face. It was such a vivid dream, the kind that makes you question your reality and I want to get back. Time doesn’t heal wounds, but a little time dreaming is like getting a local anesthetic. If time does heal wounds, it must be only the small superficial scrapes and bruises. For the real painful ones, the broken hearts and irreplaceable loss, you live with the scar and the pain is always just below the surface. I doubt there is any amount of time in this world that can make this feeling go away.

I look forward to my Princess’ dance recitals and summer nights with the kids cooking out and heading to the lake. Mindy would’ve loved that. It’s passed time for my Teen to learn to water ski and I think the kids have just about talked me into getting a puppy. With all this up and coming there should be plenty of less selfish rants to fill this space.

Can the night get any longer?

2009-06-11T16:44:00.002-05:00

The kids have started their summer routine. They are staying with my sister ~~in-law~~ for the week and it’s been a very awkward week. On one hand it’s nice to come home and see that the only mess I find is the one I left that morning. It’s nice to be able to get a few little things done that are more difficult when I’m toting around the children. But on the other hand it’s unsettling to not have them right at my side; to have the house be so quiet. I’ve always known that my children help me immensely in dealing with Mindy’s death, but it is becoming more obvious just how much.

Initially I thought that with the kids out of school and staying across town for a few days that I could get a little more time in the office and get caught up on things. That has yet to work out. The last few nights I’ve ended up an exhausted lump on the bed. Too tired to do anything substantive, and yet not quite able to fall asleep. I thought the nights were long in the preceding months but the when you reach the point where night is now morning you know your in for a long day. When that happens on sequential nights…well it’s been a realy long week.

I knew that if I got up one thing would lead to another and I’d be up all night.; it always works that way. I think I can just do that one load of laundry, or just get the various Wii objects (remotes, games, etc.) back into place. Before I realize it I’m going full steam and the night escapes. But that isn’t the case this week. I’ve laid in bed staring at nothing in particular as my mind raced for hours at a time. Last night I fell asleep near 3a only to wake again at 5a, then again at 6a. Finally I just got up and out of bed to get ready for work. That was one of the better nights of the week.

Initially I thought I did the right thing to quit the anti depressants. I didn’t really notice any positive change. But now I’m wondering if I just coincidentally stumbled onto grief’s easy street for a few weeks. Maybe I was just too busy trying to make it to the Kindergarten graduation, plan a birthday party, and run around my Teen and her friends to notice that things hadn’t really changed. I’m contemplating giving them another try but I’m hesitant.

So here I was again, in the dark, wondering how my life will play out in the following years.

I’ve come to grips that while death is an event, it’s one that changes your whole world. It gives you new perspectives on a lot of life’s twists. It makes me more appreciative of things I once took for granted. It makes things that were significant in my life of before seem petty, and the reciprocal; making insignificant things of that life seem heavy. I have finally settled with the idea that I will never have that life again. I had clung to statements that time could heal, given the right actions and circumstance. Maybe the statement is true, just my definition of heal doesn’t fit.

I always felt that God gave me the gift of endurance. I’ve never been the fastest or most flexible in nearly every sense, but I could always find the steam to keep going. For the first time in these last couple of days I’ve really questioned my ability to keep this up, and not just because of the lack of sleep. Don’t get me wrong; I’m not giving up or admitting failure. It’s just the first time that I can’t fathom at least one scenario of life that seems acceptable.

When I ran my first half marathon I wasn’t sure I could finish. The longest run I had completed prior to the race was 5 miles. As I passed the 6 mile marker in the race I wasn’t any more confident that I could reach the end. It wasn’t until I was about 500 yards from the finish that I entertained the idea of completing that race. I felt like such a champion, I had met my goals. I wanted my wife to see me cross that finish line but she wasn’t there, but that could be another post in itself. She made it up to me though. She showered me with praise the rest of the day and nothing feels as good as a spouse lifting you up.

I think my recent doubt about my life now is that I don’t really have any goals. I want to be the best I can be for my children, I want to be there for them at every milestone in their lives to remind them how much they are loved, and how special they each are. But there is no path to run on, no mile markers to pass, no destination to reach. No spouse to cheer me on. It’s just today; and who knows how many more “todays” I have to complete. Maybe I’m just fighting against living in the past, or maybe I’m fighting against what maybe waiting in tomorrow. Either way it’s a long, long night.

Happy Birthday Princess

2009-06-07T00:00:00.000-05:00

My youngest daughter turned 6 years old. She is a carbon copy of her mother in many ways. She has her facial expressions, her smile, her hair, and most endearing to me her creative mind. My little Princess thinks outside the box for sure just like her mother.

While I rush around making arrangements and picking out gifts I am never far from the thought that my little Princess is very much like her mother in so many ways. I just hope that I still have good parenting skills when this little one gets to be not so little. I want her to understand that the world is hers for the taking. Her big heart and generous spirit never cease to amaze me.

I love you baby…Happy Birthday!

Princess, Momma is watching over us and she is so proud of you. She is thrilled at how well you did in kindergarten and that you have become such a big girl. Never forget how much you are loved!

It’s a great day…shouldn’t there be more of these?

2009-06-04T13:20:00.001-05:00

Today is the last day of school for my three little monkeys. I’m just as excited as they are because I’m so sick of dealing with the school district. They have had incredible teachers this year but the administration at both schools has had my head exploding! They won’t be at home with me tonight, they’re going to Mindy’s parents house. Which actually works out well and leaves me more time to put the finishing touches on an up and coming birthday party.

My work load at the office today was relatively light. There’s always the office politics about who gets to do what and when. In IT, everyone wants to be the first with the new toys! But it was nice to not have meetings about meetings and then scramble to get work done so it can be reported in the next meeting. I rode my Father’s Day Harley to work, as I do often, and it was beautiful out. I didn’t have much time but I found a short winding road near the office that makes for an enjoyable ride. While I was out on my ride/lunch break I stopped to grab a bite and an older man blocked me in with his Road King. I guess he thought the bigger bike could park where ever he wanted. As he was putting stuff in his bags I walked over to my bike and slowly got ready to leave, but he didn’t budge. So I started it up and not so gently made the loud pipes scream back at his large but quiet ride. He nodded my way and rolled far enough over for me to slide out of the slot. It was really no big deal, but it made me smile. He’ll probably have to go buy a new set of pipes now!

For now I’m looking forward to some time to myself over the summer, be it a few days here and there. But I’m cautiously aware that I may not be as ready as I think for the kids to spend so much time away. I have big plans to accomplish this summer on the days they are gone. If history is any indication only about half of it will get finished, but that’s more than I have now. I haven’t been on the anti depressant meds for a few weeks now. I took them for about two weeks and had no noticeable benefit but realized several side effects. I got my running shoes back out of the closet and let a few things at work slide. I don’t know which helped the most but I did notice marginal improvements. I still have some really crappy days, Monday of this week being one, but overall I think I’ve stepped up one rung on the ladder out of this pit.

I know that creeping up ever so quickly is the one year milestone. It doesn’t feel like Mindy has been gone 9 months and 29 days and just over 4 hours already. It feels much shorter and the “new first” triggers keep appearing. But want to think that if I can get past the first year, then I can make it past year two, and three, however long it takes before I get to see her again. For now, I’ll relish the good days and the insignificant events that make me smile; I’ll keep looking forward to my dreams of her and the better memories that randomly pop into my head. I’ll live life and try to really live life, so I’ll have much to discuss with her later.

Another month gone.

2009-05-31T23:38:00.000-05:00

May has been a very busy month. School spills over into June for the kids, but just by a few days. I’ll be so glad when school is out. I’m so worn out from following up on homework, tracking down permissions slips, and trying to keep three separate schedules from running over each other. Although I have mixed feelings about how this summer is going to go. I’ve made arrangements for the kids to spend time with various family members so they don’t have to go to a day care. For much of the time they’ll be with me in the evenings and nearby during the day, but they’ll be spending considerable time quite a distance away as well. I know they’ll have fun and enjoy spending time with Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, and Cousins but I don’t know that I’m ready to be without them that much. They’ve been such an anchor for me these several months.

Yesterday we spent the evening at Mindy’s parents house for a BBQ that they host every year. There were about 70 friends/family there and for much of the night things went smooth. At one point I was in the kitchen with my sister ~~in-law~~ talking about how nice it was that no one was prying me about Mindy. I surprised myself that I remembered a few names from the preceding year, although there were many that escaped me. Then a very nice woman said she wanted to meet me. I was introduced to her, her son, and her daughter in law whose hair reminded me of Mindy; it was long, dark, and very curly. The woman was very nice and spoke highly of my family. She told me how Mindy’s parents had spoke of me and was clearly wanting to give me some supportive words. She asked me how life has been the past 9 months and 25 days and no matter how many times I get that question the answer is always a struggle. I doubt anyone really wants to know…it’s just one of those loaded questions that sort of spew out of your mouth. I ended up fielding that question several times that night. I want to be brief, but give enough information that they don’t ask follow up questions. I didn’t do very well with that. Its always a little awkward for me to go through this routine when I’m with Mindy’s family. It may be just my perception but I’ve rarely been around when Mindy’s parents or sisters are asked how they are getting along with out her. I don’t know what it would be like to lose a child or a sibling and I don’t like the attention these questions bring. I do like to hear that people are thinking and praying for me and my wonderful kids but I feel it’s more appropriate as a statement than a conversation.

I drove home that night feeling the void. There was no one there to argue with me about the radio stations. No one to tell me to ignore the idiot in the lane next to me. Every song that played seem to reach into my heart and stir some memory. I couldn’t get home fast enough; I couldn’t get in bed fast enough. To put a little insurance on the brevity of the night I made sure to grab a couple of sleeping pills on the way to the bedroom. I thought that would do the trick…but as with every morning in my life without her, I woke up alone. Well, almost every morning. The kids have slept with me some and there’s nothing like waking up with a pair of feet in your back or having a 7 year old steal all the covers. But there aren’t anymore mornings waking up to her rubbing my back or keeping the kids out of the room so I can sleep in.

With school almost wrapped up and the kid’s schedules all set for the summer I wonder how the next 3 months will go. I wonder if I’ll ever get used to this. Time isn’t healing anything, and I miss her more than I could’ve ever imagined I would have. I just wish I could fast forward my life like Adam Sandler in ‘Click’. I want to be at all the dance recitals and school events. I want to see my boy grow to be a good man and my daughters have beautiful weddings, but I could do without the long nights and lonely days. I could do without being both the hero and the bad guy to kids depending on their mood. I could do without things being this hard to deal with.

Out on the fringe

2009-05-16T02:49:00.001-05:00

Well another session at The WARM Place and once again I find myself walking in the door with no expectations and unprepared for what may happen. This whole week I’ve been behind the curve. I missed two appointments and just ran late in general. Just remembering to get the kids out there for the group sessions was a win in itself. I’ve gotten pretty comfortable in the setting despite my early resistance and each time I seem to open up even further.

Our facilitator started to pass around a good sized bag full of random objects and instructed us to pick an item that reminds us of our late family member. As the first man rummaged through the bag I kept thinking maybe there would be some artsy stuff, or maybe some reference to tennis or sewing. As the bag gets to me I pull a cowboy hat off the top and it jumped out at me. A prescription pill bottle is sitting right there in the bag. I didn’t give it a second thought I just went into the vivid memories that have been haunting me all week. There were times Mindy and I argued over these little bottles. Then she began hiding the pills and the bottles separately. If you’ve been through this type of addiction you know that the bottles are important to keep track of refills. Soon arguments turned away from the actual pills or prescriptions because there was no way I could keep tabs on them. The best way to assert some control, some attempt to curb the addiction was to watch over the money. That too proved to be ineffective and just caused more arguments. These memories have been waking me, chasing me through the week. At first it brought on guilt; guilt that I couldn’t find any good way to help her. Now I just feel helpless. Husbands are supposed to care for and protect their wives, but what can you do to protect her from herself?

At least this time when I was finished speaking there wasn’t an awkward silence. I got a few quick questions and then we moved on to the nice woman sitting next to me. As the bag made it’s way around the room there was a lot of discussion about in-laws and family relationships. I am very fortunate that Mindy’s parents have been so wonderful to me. There are more than a few families that have just abandoned any relationship to the surviving spouse for reasons they can’t seem to reconcile. Mindy’s parent’s invite us to come over regularly and while they really want to see the kids I still feel like part of the family. I need that.

Mindy would’ve hated me talking about our issues in a group, much less posting them on the internet but this week is the first time that I’ve really been bothered by them since she passed. I’ve chosen to seek out more appealing memories and when I’m conscious about my thoughts I’m okay. It’s just these waking memories that catch me off guard. Maybe it’s because I’ve been thinking a lot about what she would have me do for our children. Since the adoption was finalized I’ve been spending a lot of time wondering about my kids future. Maybe it’s the coming trip my Teen will make to see her paternal grandparents out of state. I don’t know for sure but it did feel a little better to blurt it all out loud to a room full of adults that I won’t see out in the real world. People that feel like they are just as crazy as I am for having similar thoughts and stories to mine. Until this week I’ve really been able to related to other widow/er bloggers and real life people in group. Even a few at Church and work that have lost a spouse at some point. But tonight as I try to find a way to express my thoughts and fears, I can’t help but think that I’m out on this branch alone. Well maybe not all alone…but it doesn’t seem crowded over here.

I’ve been taking anti-depressants for a couple of weeks now and I haven’t really noticed a change in the symptoms that prompted me to see my doctor in the first place. But to make sure I knew I was taking something I did still get to enjoy some of the side effects of the pills. I guess it’s time to ask the good doctor for a different script. Maybe these pills are tied to the odd waking memories. In any case a woman in our group this week did make mention that she was on something as well. Key on was, as it appeared to be in the past. Her actual comment was that this Mother’s Day was the “…first one [I] spent not being heavily medicated..”. I guess they worked for her so I’ll just try something else…maybe the next one will work. For now I’m just trying to focus on the fact that I won the adoption, my kids are (for now) all healthy, and my wonderful family has stepped up and helped me out with scheduling the kids events for the summer. I have a lot to be thankful and grateful for it just takes some work sometimes to remember that.

Mother’s Day without her…

2009-05-11T16:04:00.001-05:00

I tried as hard as I could to ignore Mother’s Day. I called my Mom and chatted with her for a while but I didn’t do gifts this year. I hope that doesn’t make me too selfish…I just didn’t want to acknowledge the day any more than possible. Only because Mindy isn’t here. The kids came home from school with projects they made for Mother’s day. They did a wonderful job and I’m sure Mindy would’ve loved them.

We spent most of Mother’s day with Mindy’s family, and I love it that we did. Both of her sisters were there and the kids had a blast playing with their cousins. The little girls went for a ride on the neighbors horse and they giggled most of the time. The boys were running around trading cards and acting suspicious, as boys do. I always enjoy time with my sisters ~~in-law~~. I got a “Happy Mother’s Day” while I was over there…logic concedes that since I’m filling both roles I should enjoy both Mother’s Day and Father’s Day; it made me smile that they think of such things for me.

The kids didn’t seem to have any difficulty over the weekend dealing with the vacancy of a mother in their lives. That’s why I love them so much; they are my little rocks. But both Saturday and Sunday night I kept having a dream, or more accurately a waking memory of an incident Mindy and I had at a pharmacy. I was so mad that day and even in retrospect I feel like I did the right thing. But both nights I woke up feeling guilty. Maybe I could’ve done something different, or maybe it’s just my mind’s way of dealing with all the things I keep trying to ignore.

I just lie awake staring at the room I once painted, scraped the acoustic ceiling, and redecorated for Mindy in two nights while she visited her parents…all for Mother’s day. The television in our room that I watch alone, late into the night while I try to sleep was a Mother’s day present for her a different year. Her life, her personality is plastered all over our home and in our children. For now, I’m thankful for that; thankful that I have these memories.

Thursday was a very good day for my whole family and Friday continued to be a relaxing and enjoyable day. The weekend in total was great but I can’t help but think about how many Mother’s Day events will the kids be subjected to where explanations will be needed. I guess that’s life; our new, post Mindy life.

All morning in court (Part IV)

2009-05-08T16:28:00.001-05:00

The adoption is final!

Our whole family went to court yesterday morning for the final hearing. Mindy’s parents were there along with my parents, grandparents, and Aunt Jen to support my Teen. And now she legally is MY Teen. We met up with even more family later that evening for a celebratory dinner. It’s been a great day; a day that I have long awaited and an very thankful to have behind me.

For all the uplifting email I’ve received…Thank you.

I took Princess and Sugarbear to the adoption hearing as well. It was important to me that they be there when the Judge secured our future together as a family, giving legal weight to the reality we’ve been living. They got a big kick out of the process and the formality of the event really helped it materialize to all three of them that this is a big deal. For them nothing really changes, but the threat of my Teen being taken away is now gone. Those little minds didn’t quite grasp the importance of it all. The Judge and court officials were all very nice. They posed with us in pictures and let my Teen strike the gable when the hearing was closed marking the end to the ordeal. The kids enjoyed the day out of school, and while it makes for a little bit of catch up work I think it was worth it to really make the day stand out in their minds as a special one.

The legal proceedings are all complete. Now onto the task of having all the documentation updated. We have to get the birth certificate and Social Security information updated so that I can get her properly enrolled in school next year. More pressing is a plane flight coming up in June…my Teen has to take ID with her to fly as an Unaccompanied Minor to see her paternal grandparents and getting all the ducks in a row for that will be tough. At least all the heavy lifting is done.

Today I’ve felt lighter, it’s strange how I physically feel different when something so significant occurs. It’s been about a month since I’ve felt this way which was when Bio Dad’s rights were terminated. It’s makes everything seem better and no matter how long it lasts….it’s never long enough. I’m sure the mother’s out there may have a different opinion but for me the euphoria from the adoption being complete was comparable to the feeling I had when Mindy first told me we were pregnant. I say we because she let me know when WE didn’t feel well and WE didn’t get to do a lot of things because WE were pregnant. (In my head she just playfully slapped me for that last sentence.) Maybe it’s the context in which the adoption took place but there is definitely a sense of completeness now that I never knew I was missing before. I hope I can do justice to Mindy’s expectations for raising our children. She gave me a bit of a head start when she brought such wonderful little lives into this world for us to enjoy.

But for now I’m thankful. God is obviously at work in keeping us together.

Depression Hurts

2009-04-30T14:34:00.001-05:00

A lot of you have seen the commercials on T.V. about depression and it’s symptoms. But I realized this weekend that recognizing the symptoms isn’t enough. My counselor told me some time back that he thought I should see my primary doctor about meds for my depression, as it was coming out mostly as anger. But I have been extremely hesitant to do so. Mostly due to a mental barrier about medications.

Mindy was at one point or another on pretty much every anti-depressant available and some helped; some did not but they all had side effects. I’ve never had a problem with drugs of any kind, but I saw how they grabbed hold of my wife and wouldn’t let go and that scares me. Do I think it’s a reasonable fear? No, not really. There’s also the fact that I was in the middle of an adoption and I didn’t want to give the other party any ammunition to work with; I didn’t want them to get any ideas that I was in any way less than capable of taking care of all of my children.

But I guess that plays into my fairly extensive knowledge of, and complete lack of understanding for, depression. I’ve seen it’s effect on my family and I’ve read several books about bipolar and depression; knowing how it could affect someone doesn’t really help me understand it any better. I know it in my head, but it doesn’t translate well past an intellectual comprehension. I just want to fix it. Add in the fact that it seems to be a “popular diagnosis” lately that everyone is depressed and needs meds bothers me. Not to mention that the pharmaceutical companies aren’t even always sure how the meds work!

Of all the conversations I’ve had with widows and widowers over the last several months no one has mentioned anti depressants. I only know of one other person that took them so I just figured most of us fit into one of two categories on this topic; 1) they didn’t need and/or didn’t want them or 2) they just didn’t want to talk about it. If they felt anything like me they probably didn’t want them. It’s like announcing that your now officially a crazy, nut. No offense intended to anyone else that was just my perception. But I guess now…ha, I’m a crazy nut. My doctor put me on some “crazy pills” and I’m supposed to “…feel better soon. In one to three weeks.” I don’t know that I feel any better yet (it’s only been a few days)….but I have a headache, and dry mouth; both of which are listed side effects of this particular crazy pill. The side effects are said to subside within the first week, so I’ll continue for a few more days but I wasn’t thrilled to get on this bandwagon to start with. But the doc said that most depressed people have a hard time realizing they are depressed. So I figure, if I really do feel better then all is well. If not, throw away the crazy pills and go back to being me. No harm, no foul; or so I hope.

If any one is concerned, yes I researched the pill and the side effects before I started taking it. I’m probably bent a little towards OCD when it comes to pills and prescriptions. That would be a side effect of the last seven years of my marriage. I won’t even let my Teen get her own antibiotics out of the medicine cabinet, I feel more comfortable administering all the meds. Maybe now I’ll feel more comfortable in general; we’ll have to wait and see. At least for now I’m not making the pharmaceutical companies any richer; I’m just using the samples from the doc’s office.

If anyone out there in Widowerland has two cents to share about anti depressants I’m curious to find out how they have, or haven’t, helped any one else.

Have a gap, need a bridge!

2009-04-24T14:28:00.001-05:00

I never understood why Mindy, or anyone with a mental illness, couldn’t just “get better”. It was as frustrating for her, not being able to get me to understand, as it was for me to not “get it”. Not that I really understand it now, but I do have a more appreciative perception of what she went through. A lot of our disagreements were from our inability to bridge that gap. She had a need she couldn’t explain, and I ~~couldn’t~~ wouldn’t see her need. I tried everything I could to help her, sometimes to her extreme disagreement. I just never could make it work because I didn’t understand the real problem, not like I do now.

I feel like the roles are reversed a little now. Not that I’m mentally ill or anything (although most days I don’t feel far from it!) but I can’t seem to find a way to fit back into “normal life”. My boss at work has been great at giving me room to work out family issues but I can tell it’s wearing a little thin. I just can’t seem to stay focused on work. I get the small trivial tasks taken care of easily but if there is something to be done that requires a few days of attention it’s very difficult. I want to be able to stay up late and write a little code to catch up, like I did in my life of before. I want to be out mowing the lawn and suddenly realize that I should have used some other pattern, run in and refactor what’s been done; I just can’t. I don’t have time to mow the lawn, I pay someone for that now (which I would never have done before) and my nights are consumed with three little people that don’t care much for coding. When they go to bed, on a typical night, I clean up from dinner, throw in a load or two of laundry, pay bills and if I’m lucky get to bed about midnight. I don’t sleep well, and it’s hard to drag myself out of bed the next morning. I’m up to get the kids off to school then I’m off to work; rinse and repeat.

Is this typical?

From those I’ve talked to it is; especially for widow/ers with children.

In dealing with life as a now single spouse, it appears that developing a feeling of split personalities is quite common. It could be in varying degrees but with the outside world pushing you to “move on” you put on a mask that becomes your public persona. The private side of your life grows behind the mask, away from the mostly well intentioned, uncomfortable public. At some point these personalities must come back together but for now it’s yet another gap I’m unable to bridge.

Unwilling to bridge.

The next phase?

2009-04-21T01:50:00.001-05:00

I took the kids out to Mindy’s parent’s house this past weekend and we had a great time as usual. It had been raining the night before and things were a bit muddy…so naturally my tomboy Teen had mud on her clothes within minutes. Captain Sugarbear got to work building a “house” out in Grandaddy’s shop while Princess entertained herself. As we sat down to dinner things seemed more surreal. Mindy’s parents joked and teased one another, all in good fun, and in my mind I could hear Mindy jumping right in with them. I was listening to her laugh along with us. It made me laugh…more than I think the situation called for but it felt good.

I’ve spent the last several months missing her, thinking of her, dreaming of her; the dreams seem vivid. It’s odd that in my dreams I usually wake up to her laying next to me and my first thought is never how or why, but what will we tell everyone? In one dream I woke up (for real, not just dreaming) worried about how to repay the insurance money now that she was back with me…yeah I know! But that evening at dinner with her parents was the first time that my mind spun around like that; the first time my missing her wasn’t just a memory but more like a dramatization of a memory.

The next day was a very long, depressing day. I didn’t do much. No laundry. No cleaning. I didn’t even make it outside until we went for some dinner. I had this overwhelming feeling that I wanted to talk to someone. I picked up the phone and started to call several people, but I never did. I really wanted to talk to Mindy. I want to hear her voice tell me that I can keep doing this day after day. I just want to hear her voice.

I find it ironic that some days I’ll get compliments from friends or family about how well I’m doing. “Your kids are so wonderful, your doing a great job!” or “Your an amazing father, just look at how great those kids are.” But the truth be told, they are amazing kids and they’re doing a wonderful job with me; keeping me in line. We’ve had to deal with typical childish issues and teen drama, but they haven’t once gotten upset with me for how things are working out. I really don’t think I’m so amazing; although it’s nice to hear. I think if it were not for the wonderful children Mindy left me with, I would be a complete nut! I probably already am…they just make me hide it a little better.

It seemed, for a few weeks, like grief was giving me a little more space. I had more good days than bad and the bad days weren’t too terrible. I thought maybe I was onto a new phase of this whole ordeal, and I guess I am. Just not the way I was expecting. Now it seems like more reality has set in. The surreal feeling that she’s gone is fading away. Now when I feel her void it really hurts. Now when I want to remind her of that inside joke, or talk about our favorite TV shows it hits pretty hard. I started a new book we’re studying at church and I want to talk to her about it. I just remember how it was, usually after a couple of months of arguing and bickering over nothing, when we would have the most amazing conversations about anything and everything. The first little late night chats would be my indication that her mood swings were going the other way, so try not to screw it up. Maybe I just started to forget how bad February was, or maybe these past few days really are worse. I don’t know for sure. I do know that it’s harder to get out of bed and more difficult to not just collapse into a world of my own.

Is this the next phase…are there really any phases at all? I think not. I think it’s just a big blur of thoughts and emotions that seem to come in waves. Some times the tide is high, some times it’s low, and then there’s all the in between. But still just comes in waves.

Now Mom, I know your reading…and you just got off the phone with me back in the real world; well a few hours ago. I know you could tell I was having a bad day cause you asked me several times how I was doing. You only do that when you already know. But I just didn’t want to try to let it out. I don’t want everyone to worry about me. I know the kids and I are going to be okay (Romans 8:28 says so) and every day I try my best to connect with them and draw them in close. But this is my place to be weak…this is my place where almost no one knows me and I can sit alone in the glow of this monitor and push my thoughts out onto the web and I can be mostly uncensored. So don’t worry, I’m okay.

Quit trying to define me!

2009-04-17T12:21:00.001-05:00

Last night was another session at The WARM Place and I was so rushed to get everything done and get there on time (a big thanks to Aunt Jen again for helping!) that I didn’t really put much thought to what the night might entail. We all got there a little early which was great so the kids had a chance play and relax before we headed in had our pot luck dinner. This week, and last, a few new families joined our group; it’s nice to not be the latest addition anymore.

As the evening progressed the conversation was started by reading fortune cookie sized pieces of paper with certain emotions listed on them; I know it seems a bit corny but for a room full of grieving spouses it’s a great way to get things moving and since the crowd is made up of people with losses that are still fresh and just a few months from the event as well as those a few years removed from their day we get some really good perspectives on various common problems like insomnia, children’s anxiety, etc.

When it came to me I just started venting about the elementary school and all that I posted about before. I honestly expected to hear something along the lines of “Well, what did you expect? They were late like 35-40 times.” Instead I inadvertently started a group wide vent on how public schools just don’t understand what kids go through after losing a parent or sibling. And it seems that school tardiness is much like sleepless nights and other common widow/widower issues; it just comes with the territory. The other common thread is that public schools are just not equipped to deal with kids in these situations. I’m sure there are some that are, and have wonderful programs that help kids but from my experience and what was shared last night the majority definitely are not.

I already have a meeting with the school principal to follow up on our terrible conversation and I had already planned to educate her on who the real parent is and it’s not her or the school. But I must say that after last night I feel so much better about making my case. I want the school to understand what my kids are going through and have some consideration, but I’m not asking for special treatment. I don’t expect them to place them in some category of “special kids” but I do expect them to understand that at no point ever should you harass a child for the actions of the parent. There can be exceptions to the rules, especially if the rules are inadequate and need to be modified.

I guess my contempt for this school administrator is because she tried to identify with me when she had no idea what it’s been like for me. Then told me that the school was trying to be “merciful” with us; as if they are some overseeing power that governs my life. She put a label on me based on her own narrow minded views and expected me to fit her perception. I don’t want her to define me or my children and then expect us to fill, or squeeze into, her definition. I want her to keep my children safe when I’m not there and have the teachers teach them the curriculum without putting in any bias. I am a widower father of three very intelligent children but I will never fit her myopic vision of what that means!

My life still floats by in a fog, my days run into one another and blur together. My nights are long and lonely.

This is grief.

This is my journey through it.

This is not who I am.

Easter…as we observed it.

2009-04-13T14:31:00.002-05:00

As has become tradition we spent Easter Sunday at my Mother’s but this year because of the rain we hunted eggs indoors. Looking back I feel somewhat accomplished; my kids were dressed for the occasion after some struggling, and we made some good memories that will help make each new year a little easier I hope.

My Teen is a little self conscience about her legs, she has eczema and it seems to concentrate below her knees; so getting her in a dress is tough. Not to mention she’s a bit of a tomboy so wearing a dress isn’t her favorite anyway. I manage to get her to wear a long skirt with hose so she complained all day to anyone who would listen. I know it comes with the territory but this teenage girl, “I’m the center of the world” selfish behavior is really getting on my nerves. I love her to death, but some days I wonder what am I doing raising a teenager on my own? The first few times she complained about her clothes it irritated me but as the day went on the continuing theme was everyone telling her how pretty she looked and that she should wear dresses more often.

Score one for Dad.

Princess is the opposite; she loves to wear dresses and be very girly. Our issue was picking the dress. I picked out a dress for her to wear over a week ago and she talked about it everyday. Then Easter morning she decided she wanted to wear a different dress. It was cold and rainy out and she wanted to wear a dress that was made of light material and was sleeveless. In the end she conceded to wearing the original dress and didn’t think twice about it the rest of the day.

Now the easiest of them all…my Sugarbear. He’s in such a hurry to grow up and get big and that can be a little frustrating when he thinks he can do things he’s not quite big enough for; but quite often it helps since he wants to be so independent. True to most males…he could care less what he wears. I laid out his clothes so he could skip the task of picking them out himself, but mostly so he wouldn’t come down in shorts and a grungy T-Shirt. He got himself dressed and ready to go and waited on me to sort out the girl’s issues so we could leave for Church.

Once everyone was dressed and ready we headed to Church and then to my Mom’s house. The kids had such a good time playing with their cousin and hunting for eggs. We had the traditional ham and I ate way too much; to the point where I was sleepy and a bit miserable the rest of the day, but it’s hard to pass up home cooked meals these days. The kids all got pretty wound up on candy and I left my three with my Mom just before the sugar crash because I have to work today but they are out of school. My nephew had his sugar crash right before Uncle Ryan and Aunt Jen left so I’m sure he had a nice long nap in the car. He’s so adorable!

Easter turned out to be a nice relaxing day of fellowship and family. The significance of the day pressed on me pretty hard in our Bible study class as I intertwine Jesus’ life…God’s ultimate plan, and what that means for us now that Mindy is gone. But all in all it was a good day.

This is me screaming!

2009-04-08T13:27:00.001-05:00

Today started off normal enough. The alarm woke me from by brief sleep at about 6:50a so I got up and laid out the kids clothes. They got dressed while I rummaged through their school bags to sign forms and get caught up on how well they are doing. I rushed them to school and we pulled up right at 8:00a…late again.

As I headed in for work I smell something burning and see smoke from the front of my car… just what I needed. The belt is busted so I turn back and head for home hoping to make it before the battery gives since the alternator is no longer running. I make it home and the downhill slide begins. My truck is in the garage with a bad battery, the van has a leak and overheats, and now the car needs a new belt. The upside is that it’s nice out so I can take the Harley to work but it’s supposed to rain tomorrow.

As I’m getting ready to leave, the second time, I get a phone call from my little one’s school principal. She’s decided they have been tardy too many times and that school starts at 7:45a, not 8a as posted everywhere and commonly known. So I tell her politely that I’m trying but 12 – 14hrs of sleep a week is tough and I haven’t found a good schedule that works. She tells me she understands and proceeds to let me know that the children will be disciplined.

OKAY…WAIT!

I concede that I’m horrible about getting them to school on time, not to mention she thinks school starts 15 minutes earlier than is noted on any documentation I’ve seen, but to tell me that you are going to punish my children for actions they are in no way accountable for is crossing a line with me. I’d like to say I gave her the what for at this point…but for some reason I could hardly understand what I was saying on the phone through all the crying which quickly ended as she tried to talk over me. We both got louder and louder as I explained that I understand and appreciate her position on the matter but that she will not discipline my children for events out of their control. We bounced the point back and forth; she apparently doesn’t know what “I UNDERSTAND” means. She tried to tell me that she understands my “situation” and has had an experience in her family. Because the conversation was already deteriorating didn’t say it out loud but I wanted to ask “Why would you patronize me by telling me you or someone you know lost a spouse like I have?”

Really, your spouse had bipolar disorder and your marriage was a roller coaster?

You too feel guilty cause you remember the days when you didn’t want them around but would now give anything to have them back?

You are stressed to the max at trying to manage your new life in the timeframe of the world that says you should be okay by now while trying not to blow up at every little stupid thing that is said to you?!?!?

At the end I just thanked her for her time and we parted. What else was there to do?

There are others out there in my “situation” but I can confidently say this principal, or anyone she knows, is not in that category. By her attitude and response I would be very surprised to be proved wrong on this.

I spent the next half hour or so being angry at everything. I was so pissed that the principal is so obtuse and myopic. I’m mad that Mindy isn’t here to help and I’m frustrated that I have way too many vehicles and they all have problems. I punched at the bed…that didn’t work. I punched at the wall…that didn’t help either.

This is one of the days where I just pray for wisdom and patience…what else is there to do?

Split Personalities

2009-04-03T11:28:00.002-05:00

I'm tired of feeling like I no longer own my life; at some point "just going through the motions" starts to feel a lot like living in someone else’s shoes. The lack of self confidence mixed with the intense anger just barely hidden from the world, and the surprise attacks from everyday routines that suddenly are no longer routine are enough to make you wonder if you are going insane; developing a split personality disorder.

There are moments when life has a glimmer of normalcy; there are moments of hope. But the contrast that now exists between these moments and those when I feel the world should be standing still has become expansive. I look back at this past weeks and I feel like two different people; I've been the exhausted, grumpy, and frustrated Dad but I've also been a guy out with friends listening to bad live music and talking about anything except me. The time I spent with friends is easier, but time with the kids taking care of daily responsibilities is more comforting.

I know there is someone out there that is having a more difficult time than I am, and I try to remind myself of that. But for now it doesn't help. I just feel uncomfortable in my own life. It’s so disastrously ironic that the person I would trust to talk to about all that is going on in my head is the subject of all that is going on in my head. Mindy was the one that had a way of making me feel okay about almost anything. There was a level of intimacy there that could communicate past verbal and visual cues. She could hold my hand with a tone of emotion that could fit almost any occasion. She could brush her hand across my shoulders and convey empathy and compassion, or concern and a little anxiety.

I don't want to live in the past but I feel border line obsession about keeping her memories vivid. As life continues to move forward I feel torn between finding some level of emotional intimacy with a good friend and the complications that brings when I still feel married. I'm not married, but even saying out loud doesn't make it seem any more real. Mindy's parent's stirred these thoughts along and until very recently I really thought it was outrageous; is it? I don't want to be like my father who, in my opinion, is just clinging on to someone out of fear (that's another story). But if someone can help me clear the fog in my head...do I dismiss that for the sake of the fog in my head? Does it resolve the feeling of living as two people or further the issue?

A good friend, who recently ran into some personal difficulty himself, reminded me that time will help; I hate that saying. Time alone heals nothing it's what you choose to do in that time that determines your outcome. Life's choices aren't always easy and throw in the fact that I'm the sole provider and protector for three innocent (maybe not my Teen) lives and at times I feel like Atlas with the world on my shoulder. With all the help and support from my family that is still my burden to bear and I do it gladly. Time will never bring Mindy back...children are always children and time doesn't change that either. They will grow up but they will always be my children.

I was hoping that I would find answers as I wrote, sometimes I do; not this time. Maybe next time I’ll let the other guy in my head write more so I’m not so bent towards the half empty glass. But then pessimism and paranoia make for more cautious decisions, or so I like to think for now.

Auto pilot

2009-03-28T16:26:00.003-05:00

Today is a cold, windy, and ‘I want to sleep all day’ sort of day. My little monkeys are all at Mindy's parent's house for the weekend so I did sleep in for a while...that was nice. Then after a few loads of laundry (a never ending job) and a little lunch I decided I should run to the store. I haven't been grocery shopping since Mindy passed. Not that I haven't run to the store for a gallon of milk or a package of meat here and there but mostly $50 or less worth of stuff. In a family of 5, in our life of before, $50 worth of groceries was nothing. Since Mindy passed we've been eating out a lot and having friends and family cook meals for us quite a bit. I have cooked a few things but it's not the new norm.

Today on my way into the store...for that quick gallon of milk and fresh box of cereal I took a phone call. I ended up taking another call while I was in the store also but the point being that I was on the phone and distracted the entire time. As a result my mind went into auto pilot as I scanned through the familiar aisles. I loaded up all my stuff and headed home not giving a second thought as to what I was doing...after all I've done this a million times before.

When I unpack the groceries at home I find that I've bought things for Mindy. Things that I intentionally bought for her in the past; for example, I thought it would be good to get some frozen dinners to save time on especially rushed days. So I picked up my regulars and also got home with a Salisbury steak dinner; it's Mindy's favorite of the frozen entrees. Amongst other things I came home with several packages of Coke...another of Mindy's staples. These are things I haven't bought since she passed but bought with some regular frequency on our usual twice monthly trip to the store...a lifetime ago.

Who would've thought that a stupid package of cokes would make you cry out of nowhere?

I'm really missing her today and I just want to go back to bed!

The part that really gets to me most is that this stupid walk through life with grief as my unwelcome partner is still filled with firsts. It's amazing how everyday things are never the same and yet I don't fully comprehend it until something like this happens and I find myself engulfed, completely covered in knowledge that I can't have her back, all over again. I hate having this much time to myself...I always have big plans for something or another but ultimately I always end up wondering why it had to be her. What will my children's lives be like in another year, two, or five? When will I find myself thinking of her without the tears being a companion of all the memories?

And for all my questions I guess time is the answer but time is not a friend of mine either right now. So for the foreseeable future I guess this is how life will be. I don't think this is something you can get used to, but toleration is becoming more of a routine.

A little sleep for a change

2009-03-24T13:12:00.001-05:00

After all the excitement yesterday in court I went to see Mindy and tell her the good news. I know she’s always with me and I don’t have to go out to the grave site to feel close to her. On important days like yesterday it feels better to me; like I’m closer to her and more focused on what she would say to me. I am so excited that the termination of Bio Dad’s rights is completed and I just had to go tell her. It was good for me to remember the inscription on the back of her stone lacked the children’s last names on purpose. I left them off because at the time the Teen still kept Bio Dad’s name and the wording only reference my last name. This way the inscription implied that the children’s names were all the same as their mother and I. Now we are legally closer to what we have always been…one big happy family. Just one more court proceeding to go, the final adoption.

I guess the excitement had my heart pumping more than I expected because after we had a little dinner I found myself struggling to keep my eyes open. I manage to stay awake long enough to get the little ones bathed and in bed…barely. I told my Teen to do the same and wake me if I drifted off before she went to bed. I don’t really know what time it was but the last look I got at the clock was around 9:30p. I woke up this morning with the lights on, TV still playing, and surprised that I could hear the alarm clock over all the noise. I must’ve been more exhausted that I thought to sleep through all of that.

I probably could have slept for a few more hours but life doesn’t let me do that very often. I still managed to get about three loads of laundry done between last night and this morning while getting ready for work (mostly this morning) but I’m so thankful for the sleep and not really caring that my house looks like a disaster area. Of course the cleaning service is coming this week so, according to the kids, my house is supposed to be a disaster.

Today is just such a wonderful day. I’m so thankful for God’s work in keeping our family together and for the apparently much needed rest. I just want this feeling of exhilaration to last a little while longer. It’s a welcome change to the daily norm that has become my life. It’s so much easier to praise God for answered prayers than to be vigilant about lengthy requests such as adoptions and reconciliation of grief. For now I’ll take as much of the easy as I can get.

All morning in court (Part III)

2009-03-23T15:34:00.001-05:00

We went back to court this morning for what would turn out to be the winning moment in our case. I was really frustrated with the way my Teen was treated this weekend as Bio Dad went through the motions of his visitation. As I stated before he chose to not see her on Friday because he was too tired. Saturday he picked her up and took her shopping and to see a movie; that was a pretty good day for the two of them. Then to end the trip in his typical fashion he picked her up on Sunday and took her to break fast and to a book store. They spent the remainder of the day watching TV in his hotel room with his father.

My Teen was acting a bit odd afterward but I guess she was just tired from sitting around all day. I asked her a few questions but she didn’t really want to talk so I dropped it. I didn’t want her to think I was putting her in the middle and trying to pry into her time with him. She’ll eventually tell me what she’s thinking about it all but I’ll have to wait till she’s ready.

With the weekend in mind I went to court this morning and pointed out all the facts he’s given that don’t add up correctly such as starting a new job in mid November but giving a pay check stub from his job from the end of November after not paying child support for a few more months. I asked the opinion of my attorney about making a deal with him to forgive his back child support in return for termination of his parental rights, which we agreed was acceptable given that he won’t be able to pay and has never regularly paid his support payments. He jumped on the deal right away and we spent most of the morning hashing out all the minor details. Then we tracked down the first available district judge and had the termination made official.

Yes, OFFICIAL!

We will have to go to court one more time to complete the adoption process but the termination is complete and that is a huge step in the right direction. As I understand from my attorney the adoption is mostly a formality at this point. The courts aren’t going to allow my Teen to go without a parent and we couldn’t complete the adoption as she was not there. I really didn’t think he would go for the deal and of course the attorney’s were not aware until our conversation that morning but it all worked out well and I praise God for his continued blessing on our family. Now I can rest a little easier at night knowing that we can stay together always, there is no threat of our family being torn apart by legal proceedings any longer.

This is the biggest bit of news I’ve had to share with my kids since Mindy passed, but this time we’ll all be crying for a different reason. I’m so thankful!! So very, very thankful!! For all those who where praying with us and for us, thank you for powerful prayers. Thank God for his hand of blessing on us!

Deadbeat Dad frustration

2009-03-20T15:16:00.003-05:00

Bio Dad called this afternoon at about 12:20p to let me know that he was in town for his visitation with my Teen. The issue is that he is court ordered to take my Teen to see her ad litem attorney today during his visitation time. Not only is he not doing so, and once again failing to comply with court orders, he also has no real interest in seeing his only offspring. He said he was "...tired and going to lay around the hotel..." but that he'll call her this evening to speak with her.

Are you SERIOUS!

REALLY!

If my whole court case was based on my want to visit my daughter, I think when I was given the chance I would visit my daughter! But I guess that's what one can expect from Bio Dad who has never had any substantial contact with my Teen. I wish I knew what it would take to make him go away. One day she will most likely want a relationship with him; one that she defines but for now he just needs to go away.

He has failed to comply with all but one of the several court orders issued to him thus far; my hope is that when we head to court again in the very near future that the judge recognizes his lack of effort. I'm so furious that he has a very, very weak case and yet is still able to just drag out these proceedings costing everyone involved time and money. Not to mention the impact he's having on my Teen any hopes she may have of a relationship with him in the future.

She has known for some time that he was to come into town today and spend time with her. I haven't had a chance to speak with her yet but I'm very anxious to see how she feels now that he is delaying his time with her. She won't know the lame excuse he gave me today, that would do more harm than good I think, but someday she'll know. How important could someone feel if they understood their parent was too tired to see them? It's not as if this was a last minute update for him. He's had a month to plan this trip and provide adequate time to spend with her.

Richard Baxter said "Anger is a passionate emotional response to a perceived evil that would cross us or hinder us from something good." I really am trying to stay on the positive side of anger. I will be glad when this task of adopting my Teen is complete. I just have to remind myself that I have a very strong case, but it will take time.

Party like it's 1999

2009-03-17T23:34:00.004-05:00

I was looking for something green to wear today and came across a button that Mindy bought at our first St. Patrick's Day party together 10 years ago. I haven't seen this button in a long time...I haven't thought about that night in a long time.

It was the first, and last time we went out on St. Patrick's Day. I don't remember much about that night really, only because it was so long ago. I do remember that the lines for the restrooms were very, very, very long. I remember Mindy holding my hand or grabbing the belt loops of my jeans most of the night as we crossed through the crowd. I'm glad that this holiday was never a big one on our calendar, it makes it easier to laugh at this goofy looking button.

Spring Break

2009-03-17T22:06:00.006-05:00

I have wrapped up my short spring break vacation with the kids for the week. The remainder of the week they will spend playing with cousins at Mindy’s parent’s house. It’s all downhill from here; the rest of my week won’t be as great as the last several days have been.

Our vacation has been scaled down several times since I started planning what we could do. Originally I thought we may go skiing in Colorado with my Aunt and Uncle. Then we decided we would still go out of state but changing directions to Ohio. In the end…we had to stay close to home, in part for Bio Dad to exercise his visitation, and traveled less than 35mi from the house but had a great time.

We stayed at the Great Wolf Lodge Sunday and Monday and the kids loved the indoor water park. I got a crash course in single parent vacations. Princess can’t swim yet, and Sugarbear doesn’t swim very well so I needed to get them life jackets to wear in the water park. I got one for Princess and turned around to find that the Teen and Sugarbear were gone. I knew they were headed for the slides; they had been talking about it since we left our room, but I couldn’t find them and I was scared out of my mind for about 10 minutes. I finally caught up with them and got everyone situated but it was not the way I planned to start our time away from the everyday. It took some adjusting to keep track of all three of them by myself but I managed. We stayed up late at night and slept late in the morning. We ate like royalty (we ate the biggest ice cream sundae I’ve ever seen!) and played in the water till our fingers looked like raisins and everything turned out nicely.

After we had enough of the water we decided to squeeze in a movie at the local mall. I like the theater because of the stadium style seating so we went all the way to the top row of the almost empty movie theater and took over four of the seats as if it were our couch at home. We watched “Race to Witch Mountain” while stuffing our faces with candy and I haven't had that much fun at the movies in a long time. Princess nearly fell asleep in my lap and the Teen and I had our feet atop the empty seats in front of us. Sugarbear was on the end opposite me because he didn't want to share the M&M's

To make sure I felt like an adequate father, our time not so far away from home had to include something of educational value so we headed to the Bureau of Engraving and Printing and took a tour. The kids got to see how our printed money is made, and I even learned a little too! The tour was a lot of fun and only took about 30 minutes. To further the educational value we then headed to the Museum of Science and History and saw a movie about the Grand Canyon at the Omni Theater. They loved it, and that’s why I loved it.

I stink at photography so the pictures are I have of all of this are really bad. The Teen took a little video for me and it made me dizzy to watch. I’m not sure what she was watching while she was shooting the video…because she doesn’t hold still long enough for us to focus on anything but she tried. So I’m going to make a collage of sorry pictures to put at my desk at work. I figure the quantity may take the edge off the lack of quality. But this one was one of my favorites...the Museum is under construction for renovations and this guy was directing traffic out front.

When depression turns to anger...

2009-03-14T21:03:00.000-05:00

I've been sitting here for a long while...trying to put my thoughts, these raw emotions, into words. I need to. ~~Today has been~~ I have been so angry today at everything and everyone. I've been trying to take some advice and slow down a bit but I can't...it hurts too much. It's like my heart just refuses to be sad any more so all that comes out is anger. I need to write it all out, nothing else I've done has helped it dissipate.

My little ones are anxiously awaiting our little trip. They've packed their bags and are hopping in the bath. I haven't packed yet. I've had time, but I got frustrated that I couldn't find a component for my laptop while I was packing and that sorta ended that little task. I wish she were here; I could let her pack and I could go run. Running will calm you down if for no other reason than the energy zapping drain of the endless miles of solitude; nine minutes at a time (or whatever your pace). That's what I need; four or five quick miles would do the trick. But I can't leave the kids alone that long; my Teen gets scared if I leave them alone when it's dark out (she's not as grown up as she pretends to be). It's too last minute to call anyone. And the treadmill is buried behind my spare PC's and monitors in the office. Excuses...I know.

I got out some baby pictures of the kids. I thought we could look through them and that might get my thoughts away from everything else. But the Teen was completely disinterested and kept interrupting as I showed the two little ones; that only fueled my previous disposition. So I put the pictures away and have been staring at my old, flickering monitor since.

Today, when in search for missing computer parts, I found Mindy's brown pants; she had several that color but these will always be associated with one of my more embarrassing memories. I thought that I had put away all her clothes; most of them are packed away in the attic. I can't get rid of them but I don't want to see them either. She was wearing these pants as we walked down the hallway to the break room at our office when we worked together...way back in 1998. I lied to her about my age because she made comments about not dating younger guys; this would be the day she found out. As we walked there was an awkward silence so I blurted out "Are those pants brown?" as if I was suddenly color blind and seeking reassurance. She laughed, and not because I was funny. We would eventually make it to the break room and have lunch together, which was a rarity because of our schedules. About an hour after lunch that day she would come seek me out again, this time she stormed right up to me and said "Hey, can I see your driver's license?" and I reluctantly got it out while my mind raced to find words to explain myself as I was not yet even 20. In the end I didn't have to, not about that. Over the years what we both remembered about that day was my stupid comment about her pants...these pants.

Today she is wearing blue jeans with a white button up shirt and a green sweater thing (fashion is not my strong suit) with no shoes. That's what she'll wear everyday from now on, that's what my mother and Aunt Jen picked out for her. Her hair is all in curls which she liked and her makeup is done. But you can't tell now that her beautiful green eyes really stand out when she wore that green thing. On her left shoulder sites three red roses and a heart to represent our children. I forget what the heart says...but it made me cry at the wake.

Our Teen is getting big enough to wear some of her mothers clothes now, but they are mostly put away. She informed me today that she is an inch shorter than her mother. She's also one six pounds lighter than Mindy was when we got married. She pointed me out in some of the older pictures tonight and said I looked young. I was six years older than she is now in these pictures. My beautiful green eyed girlfriend was just 23 and the little girl in the picture with us now sitting next to me was just 2. We were all smiling, oblivious to the fact that we wouldn't all be together just 10 years later.

My mom used to tell me that life isn't fair. When I was young I thought how ridiculous; if people made the effort then everything could be fair. How naive to think that we can control everything, to think we can stop people from dying at such a young age. Mindy left two unfinished projects, I think I'll hang them in my room just as they are; a reminder that life isn't fair. Next to them I'll hang her paintings to remind me that life is beautiful while it lasts.

I don't know if any of this will make sense when my kids read it years from now, but I feel a little better. I feel relieved of some of the anger, and for now that's what I needed.

The sky is grey

2009-03-13T05:09:00.004-05:00

It rained off and on all day yesterday...and probably will again today. I don't know if it's the weather, or the fact that Mindy loved this kind of weather, or an unexpected phone call from one of her old friends but in any case the last two days have been rough.

Wednesday while I was driving in to work I got notice that a voicemail had been left on my home number that almost never happens. Family and friends have my mobile number and telemarketers usually don't leave messages. I listened to the message as I sat in the stubborn, crawling traffic; it was an old friend of Mindy's and she was calling for Mindy. It's been seven months and somehow she didn't know...and now I was going to have to tell her. It took me more than three hours to rehearse what I would say and call her back. The call went well; she will be one of the ties to Mindy that I can keep and that works well in my recent campaign. But to have to relive the story again and hear her reaction to it....I was back at square one.

I was sitting in my car in the parking lot at work after reluctantly making that phone call; the rain tapping on the top of the car and the wind blowing the drops across the windshield like little tears and all I kept thinking was that Mindy would love to make a big pot of chili and sit on the couch with the blinds open so she can watch the rain. Then later when we were all back at home and the kids were put to bed I laid awake listening to the rain thinking how Mindy loved to sleep to the sound of pattering rain drops. So I kept listening...waiting to fall asleep. I finally lost track of the time around 4am and then woke up late at 7:30am. The Teen almost missed her bus and the little ones were late to school by one minute (or so the elementary school "Clock Nazi" tells me).

I spent much of yesterday at work trying my best to actually work. I don't know what, if anything, that I accomplished. I don't really recall much of the day at all. Just that my mind wandered a lot. I considered leaving several times, but only stayed because I'm on vacation next week for the kid's spring break. I do remember contemplating my next move on the adoption in the car on my way home. My favorite afternoon radio host was on the subject of children and their best interest...so of course I went off on my own little tangent.

My previous position has been that Bio Dad owes my Teen her child support...all the tens of thousands of dollars he has neglected to pay. In reality I know that he'll never pay it; he doesn't care for her enough to take care of his obligation. But is it in her best interest to fight over it in court when either way she'll never get the money? The best she'll get is a judgment that can't be enforced (he doesn't own anything of value). I've made up my mind that I'm fighting for full termination of his rights and adoption but the money has been a side bar issue that is of greater concern for him.

I'm not sure what to do just yet, but at least I know a few things I can do. I guess it's just been a stressful few days with little sleep. But today is the last day I'll have to go through the motions at the office for a little while. And sleeping in the hotel during our little trip may just be enough of a scenery change to get me back off square one; at least for a while.

Reaching out

2009-03-10T15:25:00.001-05:00

Over the past week I've been reaching out to some of Mindy's friends that we didn't really see much of after we got married. It's been a mixed response some have let me know that they appreciate the contact and they have been thinking of the kids and I over the last few months; others have responded politely but didn't encourage any further contact.

I feel a pull to keep an open line of communication with them, but I really have nothing to say. Nothing that I think they want to hear. I guess that's why it’s easier to talk to strangers, or sometimes talk to myself (I know...I'm nuts), because I don't have this all figured out and it bugs me. I want it to be laid out in understandable chunks.

Step one, do this.
Step two do that.

But this overbearing process of grief doesn't work that way. I feel one way for a day, a week or however long. Then my mood, my thought process goes in a completely different direction. I think that in normal life your thoughts can control your emotions. Your emotions control your actions. But it seems that somewhere down the road of grief you pass a mile marker that isn't really that noticeable at first; then you realize that your thoughts trigger emotions, but don't control them. Your emotions control your thoughts. And your emotions now have a firm grip on your actions. I like things to be more logical...I'm a computer programmer for crying out loud! There is a need for rules and processes.

I don’t really know why it’s important to me to hold on to friends that were brought into my world when she entered my world. But then again, maybe I do…maybe it’s because they are a tie to her and I feel like I have to hold onto anything and everything that reminds me or connects me to her. It’s hard for me as a more logical thinker to put my head around these emotions. It’s hard for me to make sense of things that are not necessarily based on sound reason. Why reach out to someone and express your desire to hold on to them when you both know you will only talk maybe once or twice a year…if that?

Mindy was the one who nurtured our relationships with others. She would call people out of the blue just to say hello. She would call someone she hadn’t spoken with in years and they would talk for hours sometimes over several days. I’m just not that way. If it were left up to me, everything would be in a text message and would not need a response.

“Thinking of you, hope your well.” - What else is needed?

I know better, I know that you have to nurture a friendship or it will grow apart…life will get in the way. When we were kids it was so much easier…everything was exciting. Now, who wants to hear that I was up till 2am folding laundry? Who should I call to inform that I’m helping with homework and monitoring bath time and next on the agenda is the war of wills concerning when is a good time to go to bed?

I don’t know I guess I’m venting because this was Mindy’s job and she did it well. I’m not so great at it and I don’t like things I’m not good at. I’m frustrated because I want these people in my life but I’m not the chattering type and I’m not so great at keeping these ties connected. These people who were Mindy’s friends first and ours later are more important to me than I know how to convey. I guess the filter of life will determine who is really important as the important ones will continue to be there for me…the others, hopefully the few, will choose to fall away.

I guess at the heart of it all is that I’ve realized there is yet one more area at which Mindy completed my deficiency; my seemingly long list of deficiencies. I wish I could’ve found a way to be a better husband. I wish I knew how to help her escape all the trouble she brought on herself and the rest of our family at times. I know now, from her journals, how badly she wanted to change. How much she despised her actions at times. How much she despised my reaction at times. But the good times still vastly outweighed the rest for me. And it truly wasn't her within her control; bipolar disorder controlled her.

A brilliant man once told me that love is a choice, not an emotion. You choose to love through good and bad, otherwise you won’t love through the bad. I only ever planned to have one wife in my entire life…and I feel so lost that she’s now gone. Having my friends and family; her friends and family all surrounding me and my children makes it feel a little better at times, but it doesn’t fill the void.

Mindy told me all the time that she knew we were soul mates from the very beginning. She used to tell me how she fell much faster and much harder for me than I for her. I don't know that it's really true but if so I guess it’s because God knew she would have to cram all that love into 33 short years, only 10 of which I was blessed to know her.

Group night - reflections on what happened

2009-03-06T14:02:00.006-06:00

Last night was group night again and it’s still a bit awkward for me. Aunt Jen brought the kids to meet me with dinner prepared for the pot luck (Thanks again!) and the crowd was a bit thicker this week. It was interesting to see how people have progressed (or not) in the span of a couple of weeks. And it was really nice to know the feelings are very similar for those that lost some one regardless of the circumstances. Some were lost to medical conditions, some drugs, and a couple of participants were dealing with suicides; all of us were dealing with grief.

In only our second visit the agenda has already become routine. They gave us the outline of what the children would be discussing and then we proceeded to our introductions. Very quickly after we all had our turn at saying hello the floor opened to who ever wanted to share about getting the news of a loss. The topic was a continuation of our last visit but it was just an ice breaker. Quickly raw emotions were being shared with virtual strangers and it was beneficial for most everyone. I didn’t share; not this time. But the words of others did make me think about the morning that Mindy left us. And this morning I thought that if it helped so much in group…why not try to finally post the event here. I’ve tried before but couldn’t find the right words. In any case, here is my latest attempt to describe that morning and the hours that followed.

I woke up at about 6:30a on Wednesday August 6, 2008 and nothing about the morning was much different from any other morning before it. I walked through the house to the laundry room to get my clothes for the day; Mindy and the kids were strewn about the living room asleep on couches and taking up floor space. They had a “party” the night before as there was no school and Mindy was probably going to be gone for a while starting in a couple of days. The Teen was upstairs in her room but I was the only one up. Mindy was imitating a train with her familiar snore that could almost shake walls as she slept on the floor next to Sugarbear and just below Princess who had taken a couch. I quickly gather my things and returned to our bedroom to start my day.

Just under an hour later I was showered, dressed, and ready to leave the house. I went to wake everyone as I left so they could start their day and noticed that Mindy’s snoring had stopped. I didn’t think much of it at the time so I woke the little ones and as I went to wake Mindy I found she was not breathing. Shocked, and scared I yelled for our then almost teenager to bring me the phone, and do so quickly; not remembering that I had my mobile phone on my belt. She brought me the phone and I had her usher her siblings upstairs away from the ensuing action. I dialed 911 and proceeded to administer CPR. My wife was now lying below me, a blue tint to her face, ignoring my attempts to get her to breathe.

The EMS responders got there quickly and I moved out of the way. As they began hooking up sensors and IV lines I quickly called Mindy’s father, he was my first thought for contact. I answered the questions from EMS in between updating her father to what was happening on my living room floor. After several minutes with no response they powered up the defibrillator and began to play out a scene from a tragic movie. My children were upstairs and couldn’t see what was going on…but I’m certain they could hear every word as I panicked on the phone while a stretcher was brought in my front door. EMS loaded her into the ambulance and started for the hospital. I quickly got the kids situated and followed them. Mindy’s father watched over the kids who in retrospect must’ve been completely frightened as I rushed to the hospital only to be held in a waiting room while they “looked for a nurse” to give me an update.

I don’t think I’ve ever prayed as insistently or sincerely as I did that morning. I begged God to make her okay. I begged and repeated my words over and over because I couldn’t think of anything else. Mindy was bipolar and addicted to prescription pills. The two individually were hard to deal with; the fact that she blurred them together nearly destroyed our marriage. But that morning I would be released of all those issues; God would lift that burden to make room for a new one.

After what must’ve been 5 – 10 minutes, and what seemed like an eternity, a door opened into the waiting room where they put me; two people walked in to greet me. A blonde female nurse in blue scrubs who never said a word and a male doctor with black hair and black scrubs who told me my wife was gone. He was like death itself standing there with no emotion on his face as my mind raced and my eyes blurred. Warm tears ran down my face and my throat began to close as I tried to answer his questions about how we came to be at his hospital.

The doctor dressed like death allowed me to spend some time with her in the now empty emergency room. At one point I saw her eye flutter for a fraction of a second. It could’ve been my imagination or it could have been some nerve reflex in her body but either way it reinforced my prayer that she would be okay; even though she wasn’t. I held her cold hands and kissed her now swollen face. My heart was broken…my mind enveloped in a fog of disbelief.

I would find out later that Mindy died from acute accidental drug overdose, which basically means she took several pills that didn’t play well together in her body. It shut down her heart and lungs and she probably died in a very peaceful sleep. I’m still very mad that she left us but I’m also grateful that she doesn’t have to fight her demons anymore. She’s done with addiction and depression.

Of all the books we have on Bipolar disorder none have a section on what to do when the afflicted person is gone. There is not chapter on how to reconcile your anger and your loss. The last two weeks I had with Mindy were really nice; she wasn’t on a big mood swing and she wasn’t out of her head from all the prescriptions. The fact that we ended our marriage on a positive note was a true blessing. If things had not worked out so well before she passed I couldn’t imagine how I would deal with the anger that is left from her passing; anger from her leaving me to raise our children alone and having to fight her ex-husband for custody of a daughter he’s never cared for. The anger of trying to find ways to compensate for her not being in their lives when we all know that no one could ever replace her, but mostly I’m angry that she amputated my soul. She took with her the best parts of us that I can’t recreate on my own.

In a nutshell the roughly 1,200 proceeding words are what I recall of those hours. These are the thoughts that dominated my mind as I sat quietly in a room full of grieving adults last night. It’s because of thoughts like these that I’ll be glad when the group environment is no longer needed for my kiddos. I’d rather go on putting up my “I’m okay” face during the day to keep the questions at bay. Then leave the nights to grieve in my own time, my own way. I’ll be glad when this part of my life is a memory in the rear view mirror…if that’s really possible.

Trip to the ER

2009-03-04T10:58:00.012-06:00

Last night was dinner with N&P, which is always great. I get awesome food and I don't have to cook! Since dinner was taken care of, some laundry was done and things in general were moving along nicely I thought I'd get to bed a bit early. I thought that anyway.

At about 10:30p Sugarbear came down to my room whimpering. He was holding his stomach and walking very awkwardly. My first thought was "He's up again, why does he hate to sleep?" but a quick inspection proved that he was in pain. When I touched his abdomen he cringed and jerked. So I ran to the office and looked up the local urgent care facility which as it turned out closed about 30 minutes ago. So I went for my insurance website, they offer chats with RN's for free but the chat site was down...page not found. So the only remaining option was the emergency room. So at 11pm N&P were on their way back to my house to stay with the girls, the boys were on our way to the ER.

I didn't tell him that we were going to the ER. I didn't want to scare him; I just told him we were going to the all night doctor. Although it's not like he couldn't read the bright bold white sign above the door that stated in all CAPS "EMERGENCY ROOM"; and that's exactly what he did. As we pulled into the parking lot he stated very factually "This is the Hospital where Momma died." We went in and he asked a few questions about Papa who was there a few months earlier. He wanted to know if Papa was able to change the channels on the TV. Then he asked "What if people are just asleep and they think they are dead, can they dig out of the dirt?" But that was really his only serious question of the night. I was glad.

Three hours, and a large emergency room co-pay later we determined that he's perfectly fine. He just needs a laxative and more fiber. Really nice! The nurse brought him a popcicle and sent us on our way.

All things considered I'm happy with the way things worked out. At least this late night trip to the ER was a non event, unlike the few I made with Mindy over the years. So a bit deprived of the extra sleep but no worse for wear; all but the smallest amount of grief was surprisingly avoided. Another needed blessing on our family.

Life...at the speed of light

2009-03-03T09:28:00.005-06:00

Mr. Einstein devised the theory of relativity on the constancy of the speed of light. And this week I feel God nudging me to think this through a little more. I admit the theory really escapes me. I mean in its elementary form I get it...but all of its details, its implications are a bit much for me. But the topic keeps being thrust in front of me; the Father keeps telling me to look at this because He’s trying to teach me something.

I’m not sure what that something is yet, but I have put some thought to how all of this could relate to my life, my situation, my current path and there is a lot of information I could derive such as the constancy of light and the constancy of God. How matter and energy are transmutable but can’t be destroyed; they are two forms of the same thing; much how the Holy Trinity are three representations of the same God, although that is hard for me to wrap my head around as well. But for me, for now, the lesson that is glaring out at me is that the closer you get to the speed of light the slower time moves. So the theory goes that at the speed of light time stands still. In Peter II 3:8 we are told that for God a thousand years is but a day. It’s hard for me to remember that God is not limited by the time He created.

For me, I definitely feel the effects of general relativity. Last month I was so busy running around trying to keep things held together (I’m about out of bailing wire and duct tape). Even though it was the busiest month since last August it seemed to last forever. I feel like I’ve lived an entire year just a few months. I’ve intentionally sped up the pace of my life so that I would be too busy to grieve; too busy to deal with life. But I can’t escape it…the faster I move the slower time seems to go. As if it’s waiting on me to slow down so that the looming wave can crash down and wash over me.

I’ve been told that anger can be a form of depression. I think anger is spawned from not being able to out run depression or control grief. I’m angry that I could not run to the hospital fast enough to stop time, and somehow save my wife from herself. I’m angry because I know in my head that all this was done in His timing but I didn’t get to say goodbye. I didn’t want to say goodbye. My mind and my heart are disjointed and I can’t seem to reconcile the two.

This morning I thought about something Mindy and I used to tease each other about. She would remind me that I was only 19 when we started dating. Her friends would tease her about me being so much younger. I would always remind her that when I turn 50 she would be 54. At least that was the expectation. Now she will always be 33; for her time now stands still. Can she now see my whole life from beginning to end in the presence of God? When I see her again will the time I spent without her seem as long as it has already felt? Einstein neglected to address this in his theory, and I am not able to understand it.

Some days I feel like I’m doing well, I’m maintaining a ‘normal’ existence for my children. They feel safe and secure if their world has some resemblance of our previous life…our life of before. Then other days I feel like I’m just going through the motions because I don’t know what else to do. I want everything to change, but I want it all to stay the same. I want a new house but I want it to feel like home. How can it feel like home without her? I want a new life; I want my life of before to be my new life of now. I don’t want to dwell in the past, but I don’t like dealing with the present and I can’t imagine a future living without her. Every day I get through the present and with each day I have a little less future to be concerned with but it doesn’t make it any more appealing. I guess I’ll just end up being 50 one day, wondering how I made it there without her. Wondering if she is laughing out loud that she won…she never turned 54.

Maybe in another day I’ll feel better, maybe in a thousand years I’ll still feel the same.

Bad day in the kindergarden kingdom

2009-02-25T21:35:00.006-06:00

I walked in from work and Mindy's mother was holding Princess, who was sobbing and muttering words I couldn't understand. I was running a little later than usual because I went to see my counselor today. It was a quick meeting because I didn't really feel like talking; I have actually done pretty well today despite having little sleep.

Finally the words got a little clearer...she had a bad day at school. Her whole class got into trouble and couldn't play at recess and she missed a field trip. Now I'm not sure about her missing recess, but I know she didn't have a field trip today. In any case she was upset. She had apparently fallen down in the Teen's room just before I got home. But the fall was not why she was upset, it was just the trigger. She calmed down and Mindy's Mom left us to finish out our evening. We had a hodge podge of left overs for dinner...and I really miss left overs. I've been really hung up on food lately. But I'm off my point.

After dinner it was baths and a short stint with me trying to work while they sat next to me watching a little television. Next it was off to bed for them. Sugarbear actually went to bed the first time I asked tonight. He usually gets out of bed at least twice, but not tonight. Princess cried out for me about an hour after I put them in bed. "Daddy, my stomach feels like I have fever." she said as she started to cry again. I went through a list of symptoms to determine what she really meant and it turns out she was just hot so a quick wardrobe change was in order.

But that didn't fix it...so I turned off the lights and laid down with her for a while. Now here I'll tell you that I'm thankful that I had a good day today. God knew I would need it for tonight. Princess began to tell me how she missed Mommy. She remembers how Mindy would stay up with her when she had a bad cough and how they would go shopping together at all the "kid stores". Now I'm putting two and two together, but I'm still unsure of the whole recess issue.

After a little chat I start to get up and she says "Daddy, I thought you were going to sleep with me like Mommy did. She slept with me like every week." Oh man...now my head is spinning with all the memories. Mindy and Princess had a special bond as each of them did with her. But they got to spend time alone during the day while the rest of us were at work/school. She couldn't even do that with our Teen because she worked then. Mindy really liked being a stay-at-home Mom (some times a little too much!).

I had been dreading this night since Mindy passed...the night that Princess would ask me to fill her mother's shoes. I always imagined it would be after a fall with a scraped knee; calling out "I want Momma!" but it was more subdued. It was more poignant and heartfelt. I was much more painful than I wanted her to know. Even though I had been trying to prepare for this day for months now I always knew I wouldn't be ready. I told her it was okay to cry about Momma, "...crying makes you feel better..." I said. But as I say it I'm fighting back my own tears. I would give anything if Mindy could just kiss her face and tell her it would be okay; tell her that Mommy will always love her.

I feel so unprepared to make her feel any better despite my hours of thought on this very situation. We calmed down and I leave her to get some rest. I'll wait till she falls asleep and I'll go check on her again.

Mindy would rock her to sleep and then just keep rocking her till they were both asleep some nights. I'd get ready for bed and wonder where Mindy was; as I walked through the house I could hear that amazingly loud snore of Mindy's (she used to get so mad when I'd talk about it) and there I would find them. I would ask her to come down to bed but she'd always rock our baby a few more minutes first.

Man I miss her! We all miss her!

I love my children so much...but tonight, being a single Dad really sucks!

**Update**
All is well this morning, I guess a good night of sleep is just what my Princess needed. She was bouncing around the house this morning singing and getting ready for school. Maybe she was just tired, maybe it was a really tough day for her.

Coffee is my friend

2009-02-25T00:02:00.007-06:00

So I've been staying up late again (I did well for a week or so) and tonight is no exception. I really wasn't planning on posting anything tonight because I didn't really have much to say. But I always feel better after I vent a little; it feels like I've dealt with it a little even if it's unresolved.

Tonight I'm half writing to myself, and half doing 7th grade math homework; the Teen decided to tell me ever so casually as she was running up to bed that she had homework she hadn't done and she'd do it tomorrow.

Um...no. We'll do it tonight.

Thirty five minutes of crying and staring at the blank paper (no exaggeration) and we finally got started. Two hours in we're on problem ten of twelve. I think she hopes I'll give in if she drags this out. What she doesn't know is I've become a pro at running all day on only a couple hours of sleep. Not just in the last six months, but in the months before when Mindy would wake me up doing the dishes at 3am or turning the TV up loudly in the middle of the night. The meds she took, when taken right, messed with her sleep. The fact that she wasn't one to follow directions only made it worse. She was usually up most of the night and dragging along all day.

But its nights like these that make me wonder if I'll ever get this whole parenting thing down. I should've asked her much earlier if she had homework. I always do, it’s the first question when I get home. But not tonight, tonight it just slipped my mind.

We seem to get really close to getting into a good routine and then something happens. Last week I was doing really well at getting up and getting the kids ready for school and asking about homework. Then Saturday night I had to work. Most anyone in IT can relate to the late night remote sessions. Well, this one lasted till almost 5am. So I was tired all day Sunday but I managed to keep up with the kids. Monday was court...no sleeping in. So the routine I had is all but gone, replaced with the chaos of trying not to screw up the day as I wake up late. Rush the kids to school, rush to work and try to make up time so I can leave at a decent hour.

Work can be a hazard in ways I never expected. Like when your coworkers talk about how spouses do ___ or ___; but when you interject a thought the subject quickly changes as if they are doing you a favor. And I have a list of things to get done, very realistically less than 10 lines of code to write for a change to our system. It's been sitting here for almost a week now. I just can't make myself focus on it like I should and the longer I wait the bigger it seems to get.

Why does grief take an everyday task and interject overwhelming emotion into it? And how long does that last, a year or five or forever? And it's not always the same emotion; sometimes its anger or more often remorse. And sometimes it's just overwhelming sadness.

The one that really gets me is the numbness; the "ability" to feel nothing at all. Everything becomes so surreal and, for me at least, it's almost always followed by guilt. I feel guilty for being numb as if somehow I'm supposed to feel bad all the time. I know I'm not, I don't even want to. But as much as emotions seem to be stirred by thoughts, the thoughts don't seem to control the emotions. I know what should make sense. I know how most people think I should feel and that makes me uncomfortable; when I think I should be sad and I'm not, or when I don't want to be engulfed in grief and I am. It's so counter intuitive!

It's not always a photo negative of what I think it should be; for our wedding anniversary I presumed I'd be down...and I was. The day was okay as I mostly kept busy ignoring the calendar but the evening really got me. After dinner with N&P, sitting in bed watching TV alone, the kids all asleep, and pictures of Mindy pregnant with Sugarbear sitting on my chest of drawers. Feeling like I have to be perfect for me; for the three of them. But it's frustrating that it doesn't always make sense and it's not always that expected.

Maybe I'm just tired or frustrated by the adoption. Or maybe I'm worried about work, money, and the normal stuff. Maybe it's because I'm trying to do three full time jobs (Dad, Mom, and Breadwinner) but whatever the reason this has been a tough month. I looked to this month thinking it would be a milestone of recovery...six months and we haven't fallen apart completely; at least not yet. But it was a milestone of grief instead and with all the important dates at the beginning of the month it just hit too hard too fast. I'm ready for the spring to start. Everything seems to get refreshed and feel new in the spring.

All morning in court (Part II)

2009-02-23T18:21:00.001-06:00

Here we go again; back in the same court room as the first hearing. Only this time we never made it up to see the judge.

Things in court today went well, but not as well as I had hoped. I wanted my attorney to tell me that this is almost over but instead I found out that it could drag out for a year or two if neither side is willing to give in. I wanted Bio Dad to realize that he’s case is weak at best and that he’s just throwing his money away. I honestly don’t know what he wants from this in the end. I know exactly what I want, to keep my family intact.

He’s coming by to take the Teen out to dinner tonight…my guess is that he’ll show up with gifts and take her to eat where ever she wants to go. Not that it’s a bad thing, but that’s all he ever does. He’s not a real father. He’s never taken her to the doctor when she’s sick. He doesn’t check who her friends are or, in my opinion, even care. He doesn’t call regularly to keep in touch with her; although that part I don’t mind so much. At one point in the past he was court ordered to call her…court ordered. Who has to be court ordered to call their kids?!? To make it worse…he only called 4-5 times then we didn’t hear from him for years. But it’s hard for me, because I know it’s hard for her.

Mindy and I used to talk about how one day our Teen would look back and realize how inept he has been in making sure he was involved in her life. One day she would realize that what he says and what he does don’t often match up. I think she’s starting to see that through these proceedings. She wanted to know all about what happened this morning in court when she got home today. I gave her the censored version that doesn’t include all my opinions. And I hope tonight at dinner Bio Dad has enough sense to not talk about it to her all night long. But either way, I’m okay with it because she’s smart enough to see through his words and look at his actions.

Really at this point I guess I have to decide if I am willing to settle with managing conservatorship or if I press for full termination of his rights and adopt. I’m leaning heavily to termination because I think it’s best for the Teen. But I have to be honest it’s hard to be certain if that’s what I want or what I really think is best for her. I hope the answer to both of those questions is yes. If I settle, this could all be over within a week, but I’ll spend the next five years dealing with him on visitation disputes and nonpayment of his child support obligations. And he would still have some, albeit limited, influence in her life. If I press on, I’m confident that I’ll win, but it’ll cost a lot of money that I could use to take the kids places, put to their college, or whatever else. I wouldn’t have to worry about his influence on her or what she does. If I settle now what message does that send to my Teen or does it have any impact at all? What impact, if any, does it have on my two little ones?

It’s times like these, as I ponder these potentially life altering details, that I’m thankful I have so many family and friends praying for me and the kids. And I just found out that more of them read this than I ever imagined; until just recently I thought it was just my brother and his wife. But I’m wandering from my point.

Along with the prayers there is action to back it up; Mindy’s parents have offered me a plan to get the Teen to/from summer school should she fail her classes. And there are so many teachers in this family…it’s really kind of ridiculous. Ridiculous that she might fail 7th grade with so much help all around her. And again I'm wandering...it’s not who does what. It’s that everyone is doing something and that continually amazes me. And you would be surprised how little the big things are sometimes and how huge the little things can be. Aunt Jen did laundry, and started dinner for us the other night before taking Princess to a Mother & Daughter PJ Party at the church. That was huge. It was the first meal we ate that wasn’t eaten in or picked up from a restaurant or fast food place and it was fantastic. She didn’t ask, or even suggest anything; she just did it because she knew we’d love it and it would be one less headache for me to deal with when I got home.

Would the Teen have family like this, so caring, thoughtful and attentive, if she were to have to spend a summer in another state with Bio Dad? I would have to say that I’ve not seen these qualities in what I've seen of his family, and I guess that’s part of what scares me. Children inherit so much from behaviors of their parents, and teenagers especially need to feel secure and loved while learning to stand on their own. Mindy wasn’t okay with our Teen spending that much time with Bio Dad, she fought him on it in court. She knew him much better than I do and she was uncomfortable letting him attempt to care for his own daughter. So I guess, through the process of working this all out for this post I’ve answered my own question. Maybe this was all just my lack of confidence rearing its head again; but in any case I know what Mindy would’ve wanted to do. And I know that she always wanted the best for our children. I’ll pray about it and let the answer be revealed, then no matter what happens I know it is the right thing.

Well, it’s off to the grocery store to replenish a few missing items, then dinner. I got to bed by 11p last night (early for me) maybe I can get a repeat tonight.

I would love a repeat of that tonight.

**Update**
OK so it's now almost 2am...no repeat.

But I was reading Mindy's bible and I almost never get an immediate answer like this, but I know what Mindy would want; I know what our Teen wants. And I know what I am supposed to do.

There is a reason that I want to take the hard road here...because it's the right road to take. As much as I dread pouring money into this for legal fees and as anxious as I am for this to be completed, the quick and cheap route out of court is really the harder way to raise her. And if the last six months are any indication it's going to be tough enough without his interference. So I'll duke it out in the court room for the next year or so if that is what it takes. Compromising now and hoping it works out for the best later is too big of a risk to take with all of my children, and this doesn't just afffect the Teen.

Emotionally drained

2009-02-19T23:00:00.004-06:00

I have dreaded tonight for the last few months. Group sessions, ugh.

The little ones were excited to go. Princess literally jumped out of the car and ran to the door when we got there. She thinks they have the best toys. It started with a Pot Luck dinner. We took roasted turkey from a restaurant, because I don't have much time to cook anymore; especially tonight. I raced home to get the kids and we made it with about five minutes to spare.

Our next visit should be less hectic thanks to my sister (in law). She offered to pick the kids up, get some food ready and make my life easy as pie next time we go. Thank you Aunt Jen!

The Pot Luck was okay. I have been craving Mindy's chili for months now. She didn't have a recipe; nothing written down. She just made it. I can't.

The kids went off into rooms with others of their age. I went with the adults. They started talking about what we can do for ourselves so we have strength to then do for our children. Are you kidding me, really, again with this? It's like I wear a sign that says "Tell me I need time for myself". I listen, half heartedly, realizing that my bias is creeping onto my face. We go around the room and tell each other who in our family has died and why. Then we take turns, for those who wish, to share the memory of the moment we found out/realized our loved ones were dead. The thought raced through my mind, “I’m not gonna tell these people anything. How would that help?”

Next thing I know I hear my voice, saying my thoughts. I realize that I don’t care who is in the room. I don’t care if they are listening or not. I just wanted to tell the story. I told it over and over in the first few days after Mindy passed but only to friends and family members. Oh, and the medical examiner and funeral home director. I can’t even yet bring myself to put that stuff on this blog; which is my pseudo anonymous corner of the web for dumping my emotions so they don’t consume my head space. And when I’m finished talking there is an awkward silence. As if I’m supposed to prompt them I’m done. Like a second grade essay paper that has “The End” on the last line as if the lack of additional sentences weren’t enough of a clue. Finally, a small voice from the other side of the room says "Thank you." At least I didn't cry and the lump in my throat wasn't so large that I couldn't speak.

Others shared their stories. I didn’t really pay attention, how selfish am I? Partly because I was consumed with my own thoughts; I hadn’t really thought of Wednesday August 6, 2008 and the breakdown of those events in quite some time. Also because after I finished speaking I was instantly tired and emotionally drained. I did find it to be a nice surprise that there were many Christians there; and others who have turned to the church after their loss. I assumed that talk of Jesus would be frowned on, I don’t know why. I guess the lack of any religious references on the pamphlets and website gave me that impression.

The little ones made pillow cases. Using markers they put happy thoughts on one side with gloom and doom on the other. One side is to sleep on, the other to punch when needed.

The teenager talked to a girl her who lost her mother and the father was in jail. They took turns asking scripted questions to one another. She reluctantly told me what she said to her after I very gently prodded her to open up to me. She asked me what the adults talked about. I told her I would tell her later, only because I was so drained I didn't want to get into it. Maybe this weekend, when I inevitably will have to recount this all for Mindy's parents, I'll have her listen in.

I still don’t know what to think of this place. I guess we’ll be going back a few times to see if it’s a fit, mostly for the Teen at this point. But I keep a careful eye on my little ones too, for signs they're struggling with Mindy's sudden death.

As drained as I am I had to get this posted tonight and get my thoughts about my thoughts down in writing. Tomorrow I’m going to try my best to avoid questions. Try my best to avoid emotions. At least the ones that I can keep half way controlled.

Now, if I can just get one more load of laundry folded I can crawl into bed.

The joys of the strong willed teen

2009-02-18T22:41:00.003-06:00

My teenager is on a roll with this crap this week. Really, she's been at it for several weeks, it's just all catching up with her. She started off the week bad by ignoring my instructions Monday at Mindy's parent's house. I told her to stay off the Internet...so she got on the Internet and parked in front of the computer all day while I wasn't there. Tuesday it was back to school. She gets the same questions every weekday; do you have any homework and have you finished your chores?

Tuesday she answered "Yes, so can I go to __'s house?"

I like to say yes when I can, so off she went. A quick glance around the house, which I probably should've done first, and I realize she hasn't done her chores. So here I am trekking down the street to escort her back home. When I ask why she lied to me I was almost amazed that I didn't get the 13yr old standard answer "I don't know"; instead I got "I didn't want to do it."

So she finished her chores and the night ended with us upset at each other. Me, I got lied to...her...well she had to do something she didn't want to do, like cleaning up. Imagine that!

Now we're on to today, Wednesday; here's the part that really gets her in trouble. I checked her grades at school. She's failing three core classes and has missing assignments in four classes. So back to the "Do you have any homework?" question and the lying. After a lengthy ~~conversation~~ lecture I manage to come up with nothing more than I knew already. Nothing makes a parent more excited than to talk at a kid who is staring off at the wall!

I guess this is payback for all the times I lied about my homework. For all the nights my Mom stayed up late making sure I got my work done. For the summer spent in summer school to bring up my grades after slacking off all year.

Tomorrow is our first group session...Princess and Sugarbear are looking forward to it. The teen and I are not. But if it helps...it helps. Something has got to get into her head and make her deal with this. At this point in her life nothing that Dad says really seems to mean much (which just makes me talk louder!). I just want to get in her head and tighten all the loose bolts!

I wish Mindy were here. I'd make her deal with the teenager for a while. Oh well, it could be worse. She could be sixteen, or eighteen! Oh man...what am I going to do then??

The chemicals between us

2009-02-18T10:45:00.005-06:00

I've was a big fan of the band Bush, and still like the music Gavin Rossdale is putting out. Lately I've been spinning his latest hit around quite a bit. And as I was driving into work today (my quiet time) I started thinking about some of the lyrics:

A thousand times I've seen you standing
Gravity like lunar landing
You make me want to run till' I find you
I shut the world away from here
I drift to you, you're all I hear
As everything we know fades to black

Half the time the world is ending
Truth is I am done pretending

I never thought that I
Had anymore to give
You're pushing me so far
Here I am without you
Drink to all that we have lost
Mistakes we have made
Everything will change
But love remains the same

It seems lately that I can ponder most any point and make it relate to me, in that instant. I guess I'm just grabbing at straws. Trying to hold onto what I know when it seems it's all slipping away. I read in another blog that having a spouse die was like an amputation of the soul.

Man did that phrase really hit the nail on the head.

Learning to do all the daily tasks to nearly the same level as before...but without all the resources. Without your other half. Feeling restrained and restricted because your helper is no longer there, but not wanting any help.

Needing help, but not wanting to ask.

Asking for help and feeling relieved.

And the further I drove in the slow rush hour traffic the thoughts just progressed. Eventually I stumble on the fact that with the loss of Mindy there has been a loss of confidence in myself. Mindy and I had a rough marriage...she was diagnosed with bipolar disorder after a second surgery to remove a pituitary tumor. But the symptoms where there even before. The tumor had been there since she was a teenager. Her struggle put the chemicals between us; made it hard for us to keep clear perspectives of our marriage.

I know how much she loved me, that she told me often. She used to tell me how brilliant I was, especially when I felt like I could do nothing right. She was my biggest fan! And like a great sports team or a big music act when the fans are gone, and the seats are empty...where do you turn for inspiration? Even when things got rough, we always stuck it out. She would cry and tell me how mad she was that I did __, or she would apologize for doing ___. We'd butt heads for a while and agree that for all the faults, all the heartache, all the tension...we still wanted to be together. Love remained the same.

Maybe my wise and helpful family keep telling me I'm doing such a wonderful job because they have noticed the void of confidence. Maybe others have been able to see what I just realized. Or maybe it's all coincidence and the support was just God's nudging them that I needed a good word.

But a loss of confidence is not so horrible or insurmountable. But now it makes sense to me why I've been second guessing nearly every decision. Sometimes I don't even notice I've done it until later, it's becoming routine. But I'll just keep doing what I've been doing; praying and reading His word. All the answers are in there. It's just that this is another realization of how much I really lost when we all lost Mindy.

I think amputation of the soul is a wonderful description. And I never thought that I had anymore to give, but now without her...there is so much I wish I could give to her. So for now I'll hold it tight, till He comes like a thief in the night.

Blindsided

2009-02-17T15:32:00.004-06:00

This weekend was doomed from the start, I'm just glad that the Valentine's madness is behind us. Mindy never did like Valentine's much anyway...I loved that! We even moved our wedding a few days just to avoid Valentines. But Saturday I took the kids to see her and we placed some flowers for her. My Mom provided the flowers, they were nice. I couldn't tell you what type of flowers they were, I'll claim being a man for that one. But they were pink, and Mindy loved pink.

I noticed that my little ones could have cared less if we went to place the flowers...and the Teenager was noticeably upset. Not crying, making a scene upset; but the "I'm 13 and I don't want to talk about it" upset. I finally got it out of her later that evening that the prospect of me getting upset near her, in turn upset her. I can't blame her, I just wished she had told me earlier.

The next day we went out to my in-laws to visit. Mindy's father likes to give me advice, and I'm not one to turn down good information. But this time he told me that I don't need to go see Mindy, it just makes it worse and I need to move on. But I don't think he and I see it the same way. To him it brings it all to the surface and it's uncomfortable. For me, it's a way to release...to let go. I can get things off my chest and vent without any one's response. And it helps me to keep the memories of her, because I can imagine what Mindy would say to all my comments.

He also asked me "When are you going to get a girlfriend?" To which I had almost no response. I was not expecting that question to come from him. I think really it was his way of just saying 'When you want to get a girlfriend, it's okay with us.' The first thought that ran through my head was...it's only been six months. What would that say to my children about how I felt towards their mother? It's not like it's been a few years and the wounds have healed some. I do really miss being married, but I really miss being married to Mindy. Not to just anyone. But as I said, I think he had good intentions...the words just fell out all wrong. Never the less, the pot had been stirred.

Then we moved on, cause the conversation was getting a little deep and the tears were coming up in both our eyes. And for two men standing in a garage, surrounded by power tools and power toys, that's just not very cool. But the subject doesn't stray very far...now it's on to 'when will I take time for myself'. Um...that's what I went to Colorado for. I had a week of fun with the guys. No kids, no wives, no distractions...just fun. I think I'm good for a while, but apparently I'm the only one because this isn't the first time the subject has come up, and my side of the family is just as pressing on the issue. But I make a quick list of the times I've squeaked away, kid free, for a few hours and for now it's a quashed item.

We head inside and I get a proper lecture about how I need to step up my game as a parent because my Teenager all but refuses to pass her classes in school. Now I have to be polite, and what they were suggesting all makes sense and was meant to help. But I really just wanted to stand up and scream "Hey, there's just one of me here!" I poke and prod and ask questions about school all the time but I can't do the work for her. And when I force her to do her work, I can't make her turn it in. We've had teacher conferences, we've tried every imaginable punishment...but that is all a whole other topic that would fill a page itself.

The kids spent the night with them. I leave thinking I have a 200lbs. weight attached to my ankle. And I can't drag it or I'll disappoint someone.

My brother asks if I want to meet them at a local restaurant. So I do and got a little steam out, then I met the guys at a bar downtown. Then a bit more steam came out.

I went to pick up the kids the next day. The Teenager didn't follow my instructions, and Sugarbear ended up with fever and was vomiting in the night. Hey, is there a better way to end an extended Valentine's weekend then with willful defiance and sick kids?

Well, we head to our first group session this week. Another event I'm not looking forward to doing. And then next week I'm back in court for another hearing on the adoption. So at this point, I just hope that light in the tunnel isn't a train.

Paraskavedekatriaphobia

2009-02-13T13:44:00.006-06:00

This morning the news was giving statistics of all the people in the Dallas - Fort Worth area that would "suffer" from paraskavedekatriaphobia; the fear of Friday the thirteenth. How they would not get out of the bed today, or they would go to great lengths to avoid everyday activities.

Now I don't believe in superstitions and I don't really care that the thirteenth day of the month happens to be a Friday. But I did find it a bit weird that today there would be more people who felt like me. People who go to great lengths to avoid certain activities or other odd behavior. And who am I to say that they are acting any more or less rational than I am.

I mean, I can't be the only one who rearranges furniture so they don't have to stand in the place the paramedics attached the defibrillator. Or stacks pillows in the middle of the bed so they don't roll over to the side where she slept. And some where out there is some one who knows what it's like to start to remind her of that inside joke only the two of you would get; only to remember in that same second that you can't. Or my favorite so far...not changing the entry in your blackberry so every time some one calls from your home phone it slaps you in the face with her name. And it would just take a second to change it...and so much has changed already. Why can't I just change it to say 'Home'?

I can't for the same reason I won't delete the emails she sent me, or the greeting on the voicemail. The same reason why photos and video clips have become so precious. Because I'm afraid that my memories won't be enough and I feel it necessary to hang onto the most insignificant things...just because.

It's not like I have an overbearing fear or depression. At least my counselor says I'm "dealing with this normally". But I found it slightly humorous that somewhere today there were people acting as strangely as me...for no other reason than the thoughts we can't get out of our heads. The fears that have no real reason, or substance to them...they just exist.

And the adoption goes on...and on

2009-02-12T16:39:00.002-06:00

I hate writing about this adoption...only because I feel this overwhelming need to be censored. But it is really weighing on me. Our next court date is just over a week away and nothing has really changed in that time. Bio-Dad still doesn't call, doesn't write...doesn't anything. He did manage to send some CHRISTmas and birthday presents along with the presents his parents sent (wonder who really did all that?)

He still managed to botch that up. He bought my Teenager some clothes and they were all way too big. But then again how would he know...it's not like he's an active part of her life anyway. He did manage to get her a Sony PSP and a few games. The only thing that burns me about the PSP is that he can afford that but he can't pay his child support?

Don't get me wrong, we aren't starving without his child support for her. It's the principle really. He was ordered to pay child support when she was just an infant. She's a teenager now and he's $35,000+ behind and fighting me for custody of her. He was court ordered to call her on Saturdays (what parent has to be court ordered to talk to their kids?) and did that for about 3 weeks. I mean, in my opinion, it's obvious that he doesn't really care about her or care about having custody of her. I just don't know what is pushing his buttons to make him fight me so much.

And it's very scary to know that as much as my family has been ripped apart by Mindy's death, as we go on mending our lives and finding our way as our family minus one the threat of loosing another still looms. The decision as to whether or not the daughter I've raised since she was two and a half years old gets to stay in our household rests in the hands of a judge. And as capable and honorable as the judge may be...it's scary to have his decision make or break what I'm trying to hold together.

Well, as much help as venting can be, I guess that's all I can say for now. I can't wait until this is all said and done. I can't wait to have that 'Your Adopted' party to celebrate the fact that we get to continue being the family Mindy and I wanted us to be.

Happy Anniversary Honey...

2009-02-11T23:59:00.002-06:00

I remember vividly standing across from Mindy. Holding her hand and repeating our vows to one another. I remember so much more than I thought I would ever be able to recall. But it's just another blessing.

The last few years on our anniversary I would tell Mindy this year will not be like the last, mostly because of the turbulence in our relationship. But I told her yesterday that for certain...this year will not be like the last. Last year I was able to argue with her. I could hold her hand as we drove some place. I could get upset when the kids tried to play off each of us to get what they wanted. This year will most definitely be different.

Nostalgia

2009-02-09T14:04:00.004-06:00

This morning on my way into work I listened to one of my favorite voices on the radio, Steve Brown. Steve spoke about nostalgia and how things aren't always the way you remember them. He said nostalgia is remembering the good and forgetting the bad. But I don't know that I agree. When Mindy passed away I made a decision to remind the kids of all the loving, caring, motherly things she did for them. And to not remind them of the lesser times we'd all rather not remember. It's not that I want to forget; although I wish my kids would forget. It's that I want to honor her memory and reflect on the good we shared. Mindy and I had a troubled marriage for sure, and I've been asked several times how I could handle a marriage like ours. But God never gives you more than you can bear. He knew the day Mindy would pass from this life, He just wasn't inclined to let me in on it. But He knew how much give and take there would be in our marriage and He blessed us with it.

God gave Mindy and I ten wonderful years together. Eight and a half we spent married, and pouring into our kids a foundation. Mindy was baptised as a profession of her faith on October 28th of 2007 along with my Teenager. So that foundation has some cracks, but it's solid. Nostalgia, in my opinion, is not forgetting the bad times, but choosing to find the good in them, or from them. I don't want to forget all the arguments and ordeals Mindy and I went through. But I do choose to keep those in perspective as I memorialize my children's mother. And the good times wouldn't seem nearly as special if they didn't have contrast. So when you're feeling a little nostalgic, do you take the good with the bad, or just ignore the bad?

Six Months and Counting

2009-02-06T10:14:00.003-06:00

My life changed dramatically six months ago today. And as much as I wish I could treat this as just another day in my new life, I can't. And it's probably just me buying into my own hype about the day...but never the less, today is the day.

So I ask myself, what has changed in the last six months? What is better? What things do I still need to work on? Well, as with anyone being honest with themselves the list of what to work on is exhaustive. So for now I'll leave that plank alone and try to highlight some splinters I've manage to pick out.

So what is better; it's hard to say. I guess I've gotten better at being a single parent. I'm not great, but I get the kids to school in clean clothes with their faces washed. For the most part they have their homework done. They always know who will be picking them up on any particular day. And I like to think they feel secure and loved. We have found a night each week that we intentionally spend together, just the four of us; we eat dinner together almost every night. I know what boys my teenager likes and who are her best friends. I know how well my Sugarbear is doing in school and how his teacher is trying to find ways to keep him challenged. My Princess is starting to read on her own, and both my little ones are really opening up socially. So in all those areas I feel I'm better. Those are all things Mindy took large part in and I've had to add to my list of to do's. I may have gotten better at other things, but for now if it doesn't impact my kids then I'm less interested than I may have been before.

I don't know if death is easier to handle when you are older and wiser. Or if it's less intrusive if it's not a spouse, parent, or child. But I know the last six months have been the fastest six months in my life. I've felt like I'm running in thick mud...working really hard to not get very far. But I've been going to my counselor regularly, and the kids are going to group sessions. And I think most importantly is that I have a wonderful support system in my family and friends. So while the time is supposed to heal all wounds...and things are marginally better. I don't think six months is a significant milestone in the grieving process. I will go visit Mindy today with the kids...and again next week, just me, for our anniversary.

Maybe in another six months life will have a different pace, or maybe I'll just be more accustomed to this pace. Only time will tell, only God knows. My favorite radio personality says..."Prayer is the least we can do, and it's the most we can do." So I ask for your prayers for my family. Prayers that my children remain resilient, that my family support system continues to find strength to help us, and don't forget to pray that God pour out blessings on you for your want of blessings for me.

Adoption Woes

2009-01-26T12:44:00.004-06:00

Merriam defines adoption as adopt: to take by choice into a relationship ; especially : to take voluntarily (a child of other parents) as one's own child.

With that you would think the courts would have a slightly different perception on adoption. Here in my state it's only a recent change that allows step parents to adopt directly. I've heard horror stories of adoption proceedings first hand from others and hope that my case doesn't hit the same kinds of bumps in the road. But the process does seem to be one that is exceedingly lengthy. It's tough for me to blog about this topic now because so much is still in the courts hands but it has been such a point of frustration for me that I feel it should at least be mentioned.

I just wish that the courts would look at each case with the initial perception that the adopting party is doing so willingly. This is often done out of love and compassion for the minor(s) involved. And in what I've seen always done with the child's interest at heart. But the stories I've been exposed to thus far seem to indicate that the perception of the court is that the child's biological parents are in some way superior just because they produced a child. While I don't want to indicate that it should be a trivial thing to separate a child from it's parents. I do think that the court would serve the public better if it truly viewed the case in the best interest of the child.

I absolutely despise the prefix "step", as it relates to defining family relations. Step parent seems to degrade the role to something less than what a parent would perform. The title step child seems to indicate that the individual is some how outside the borders of what a child is expected to be. The prefix "step" seems to lower the expectations of what ever title it precedes. I take great pride in the fact that people can't detect which of my children is a so called step child without being informed. And I never use the term step child unless it is absolutely necessary (as in legal proceedings) to properly define a relationship. So to all the people out there in the role of parent, accept your title as it should be. Defy the prefix and outperform the perceptions it drags along with it. God has no step children, why should you?

Friday in Faith

2009-01-23T23:22:00.004-06:00

1 Thessalonians 5:11 Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.

As the body of Christ we are here to bring others to Christ so that they may rejoice in His grace and mercy. But we are not to neglect each other as we are still well short of His glory and need the encouragement to press on.

My family has been such a blessing to me the last several months. And I write this blog as if everyone reads it, but really there are probably just two people. My brother sent me a response to one of my recent posts and it was sent in God's timing for sure. I had a pretty rough week last week, Mindy was heavy on my mind. I got a phone call that boosted me up quite a bit, then I get a response from my brother that defies definition. To say it was encouraging is an understatement. I even tried writing him a response a couple of times but the words didn't seem right. Then this verse was put in front of me (God's practical like that) and it fit so well. So to my family who has propped me up the last several months and continues to do so, all the good words you've given to me are applicable to you as well. As Jesus instructs us to encourage one another so that we can all weather the hard times, you are displaying His control of your life in your actions.

Happy Birthday to my eldest daughter!

2009-01-20T22:06:00.001-06:00

She's a teenager now. It's official. My little girl is in such a hurry to grow up, as I was when I was near her age, and I'm in such a hurry to find a way to make time stand still. I miss the little three year old bringing me her dolls and Teletubbies to play with. Now she could care less if I'm in the room.

In the years that I've been raising the Teenager I've seen her go through so much and come out stronger for it. And I think that is a trait she gets from her mother. I see a lot of Mindy in her, and I see a lot of my behavior in her too, good and bad. I honestly don't know much about her biological father; he was never really around at all. But she is so much like Mindy and I that no one ever even questions that she's not my daughter. So to the smartest, fun loving, beautiful teenager a father could ask for, Happy Birthday baby. I love you and no matter how old you are, you'll always be my little girl.

Back to life...back to reality

2009-01-20T15:04:00.001-06:00

Coming home from my trip I was quickly immersed in life again. My almost teenager is now a full blown teenager. Princess and Sugarbear missed me so much I could see it in their eyes when they ran to hug me for the first time in a week.

I had a birthday party to assemble and a weeks worth of daily stuff to work through. I was running on a couple hours of sleep and trying to make everything perfect but when it was all said and done I wasn't even close. If Mindy had been here it would have been. She was great at planning parties for the kids, and taking care of all the nurturing. The icing on the cake (ba-dum-bum-ching) was last night when my little Princess fell while getting out of the bath. She hit her head hard on the floor and cried for a while. Then she couldn't find her "blankie" so after a thorough search I gave up and gave her one of Mindy's.

I guess leaving for the week recharged my batteries, but at the same time the daily work that drains them doesn't stop. I just wonder if when they look back on this some day will my kids think I was doing good to recharge myself and better provide for them? Or would they just remember the week Dad left them? I know it would be so selfish, but if I could find a way to make the rapture happen today...it would be done. I don't want to leave any loved ones behind, but I miss my old life so much. I want my wife back. Even with all the hurt we caused each other in the last decade...it would be worth doing it all over again. To live is Christ, to die is gain!

Bitter Sweet Ski Trip

2009-01-18T03:31:00.002-06:00

I spent the last week in Breckenridge, CO skiing with some buddies. The first day there was not all that great. The snow was pouring down, the wind was blowing hard and the powder was thick. But we skied it anyway. The next several days were much better with lighter snow but still some powder on top. I had a blast and I wish I could ski a little everyday!

The last day we skied I took my headphones with me and listened to my music from my blackberry. We were coming down a nice blue/black slope when "Cry out to Jesus" from Third Day started to play. I had been skiing for several days but out of nowhere the snow seemed purer, the trees had more strength, and the sky was more expansive. I felt like Mindy was smiling at me and nothing could go wrong. The irony with memories of Mindy is they are sweet and immediately followed by bitter. The missing piece in my heart suddenly ached. At least while I was cruising down the mountain at 35-40 mph I could blame the tears in my eyes on the cold wind in my face.

On the ride back home I just thought...if this trip was to recharge my batteries so I can face the rest of the year with my kids as priority one then I think I've done the job. I had so much fun and I didn't worry about anything except hitting the trees and I only hugged a few on the way down. I escaped almost everything; work, housekeeping, homework. But when it comes to Mindy and my kids, as Willy says, "You are always on my mind".

It's a brand new year...

2009-01-07T10:02:00.004-06:00

This year will be filled with a lot of 'firsts'. My almost teenager will become a teenager very shortly. And as a widower parent I am anxiously nervous about all the 'firsts' that will come with that. She will have her first birthday party without her mother. It was our first New Year's Eve without Mindy and it was hard.

In the past Sugarbear and the Princess would fall asleep around 9:30p or 10p despite their efforts to see the ball drop in Times Square. So Mindy, my almost teenager and I would stay up late watching movies and eating junk food. And Mindy and I were always the only ones to make it to the New Year that night, some times by only 15 minutes or so.

This year my almost teenager called it quits at 10p, and her siblings made it past 11p. I didn't tell her at the time (and she isn't aware of this blog) but my heart sank when she bowed out for the night. Until then it was at least somewhat like the New Year's Eves of the past. But in an instant it was all different. Not because of anything she did...but because it was all surreal until that moment. Then reality hit and I had to work extra hard to put on the fun daddy front for my kiddos. After they were all well asleep I found myself laying in the dark, wondering what would this year offer me. I wondered, if God only gives you what you can handle, how much can I handle? Only God knows I suppose.

Well, this time of year everyone makes resolutions and intends to turn a new leaf in life. Another first for me is that I made resolutions that I feel I must resolve to complete in my life...not just this new year of 2009. So in a tangled web of new traditions, old traditions, and chosen memories of our former life my kids and I leap into 2009 with faith, hope, and love. And the greatest of these I share with you and yours. Happy New Year!

I miss them already...

2008-12-22T11:47:00.005-06:00

My three little monkeys are out of school for the remainder of the year. I on the other hand still have to work. So they are going to play ping pong between family for the next few days. We were at Mindy's parent's house to open gifts with them this Saturday. As always the kids loved every minute of it. They were even pointing out familiar CHRISTmas decorations on the way. I imagined myself arguing with Mindy over the radio station...cause that's what we did. She would be tired of hearing me sing CHRISTmas music. But seeing her parents always refreshes my memories of her there. They always have a real CHRISTmas tree and it smelled so wonderful.

The next day after church we headed over to my grandparents to open gifts with my Dad's side of our family. I made sure to taste test all the treats that were being made. The monkeys were playing video games and watching DVD's. My almost teenager tried to spend the whole day on the computer, but once she was involved with everyone else she had a great time. Princess got her favorite toys (which is any one that she opens), and Sugarbear got some legos to keep his mind busy. He's like me in that he is always thinking about building/making things. I hope I can get him to be better at actually building/making them.

When it was all done, I had the weirdest feeling; I wasn't ready to leave...but I didn't want to stay. I can't really explain it any better than that, sorry. The kids spent the night there, cause I had to get back to the J-O-B. I wish I could bring them to work with me. I really hate to be without them, even though it will only be for two days. I feel like everyday with them right now is so crucial. Next week I will be away from the office all week. I hope I can spend some real time with them...just us, before we have to enter back into the world. Here's to all the parents out there spending time with your children. You are the everyday heroes that make your child's world spin. Keep filling them up, and they will return the favor many times over. May God's grace find you all and keep you safe.

Merry CHRISTmas!

The CHRISTmas shopping is done!

2008-12-19T14:03:00.003-06:00

I finished my shopping last night. Now I can put the focus on the real reason for CHRISTmas for the next whole week. I think I'll read Luke 2 to the kids on CHRISTmas eve. I know a lot of people do that every year and it sounds like a great way to anchor the season in reality.

I think I bought too much for the kids for CHRISTmas. I used to comment on how much Mindy would buy them every year and now that it's all on me I've done the same thing. In my defense some of what I bought I've set aside for birthdays and such. I was just in a shopping mode and kept finding things I knew they would really like. But I think as long as they understand that the gifts are not the reason for, or even the highlight of CHRISTmas it should be okay.

Now I can relax. The shopping is done. The giving will begin in a few days and that's my favorite part. Watching the kids faces as they open their gifts. But best of all is no more shopping. Did I mention that I'm done shopping.

CHRISTmas with Momma

2008-12-16T11:12:00.006-06:00

I've been planning on taking the kids out to see Mindy and decorate her site for CHRISTmas. But the weatherman said it's supposed to rain the rest of the week. So yesterday I left work at the earliest possible second and raced home. I wanted to get the kids out to see Mindy before dark. We rushed and rushed and the sun had just gone down when we got there. It looks darker in these pictures than it really was...but at least we got it done.

This should be the first in a long line of CHRISTmas visitations to decorate and remember. It was 32 outside with the wind chill it felt like 15. So we didn't stay very long. But I accomplished what I meant to do, start a new tradition with the kids that is simple, memorable, and incorporates Mindy. I know I'll look forward to the event every year, I feel certain that my beautiful children will as well. These pictures were taken later, with better light.

White Rock Relay - Completed

2008-12-15T15:43:00.005-06:00

Well as I stated in my last post, I'm horrible about procrastination. I had plenty of time to run before the White Rock Marathon Relay...but I didn't. Not one single step. But I had a blast anyway. I had the second leg of the relay...downhill, with the wind at my back, and only 4 miles. I managed to keep close to a 10mi/min pace despite not having run since the end of July.

This picture was taken near the start of the fourth leg. Our third leg runner was still finishing up and she did a knock out job. She had the wind in her face most of the way around the lake and kept up a pretty quick pace. I wish I had the actual figures to post. From left to right we have me, my brother who started us off, our fourth leg who had to fight the hills, and our closer who brought us in for a finish under 4hrs. It was a blast, I look forward to it next year...except that I'll actually train so I can be more competitive.

All I want for CHRISTmas is you

2008-12-11T13:29:00.003-06:00

Princess and I were listening to "All I want for Christmas is you" by Vince Vance and the Valiants in the car the other day on the way back home. I was singing along with the radio...she was singing along with me. Laughing the whole time. We were having a great time and it was one of those time where you think...I'll remember this for the rest of my life.

Not a week later, I was in the car on my way home from the J-O-B and the song played again ('cause it's that time of year). It wasn't until the song was almost over that I realized the memory I attached to the song was not that of Princess and I singing in the car, but of Christmas' past that were spent at home with Mindy. It wasn't until then that I realized the weight of spending Christmas without her. She is the angel atop my tree, She was my dream come true. Santa can't bring me what I need. 'Cause all I want for Christmas...

And this week has been so hectic and busy that I haven't been able to do much of anything. I have a good friend that has been on me to simply make a phone call. But by the time I get the kids settled in bed and prepare for the next day, I turn around and it's midnight. Who has time for conversation? I think that may be part of my stress, missing all the little things Mindy always took care of for us. So next week I'm going to put decorations at her grave site. I wanted to have it done already, but that's how it's been. It will be the most beautiful site in the whole lot! But I guess that's a photo for another post. Remember all your blessings in life, and find new creative ways to glorify God for putting them there.

Snaggle tooth

2008-12-09T15:29:00.006-06:00

I almost forgot to post Sugarbear's latest picture. He lost his tooth in the middle of the night and brought it to me. Mornings are usually very busy so I didn't get his picture until we dropped off Princess for her dance class. He was very excited that he lost another tooth, so now both his front teeth are permanent.

Well, one anyway. The other is still on its way in.

CHRISTmas is almost here!

2008-12-08T15:39:00.002-06:00

I'm so anxious, and very nervous about CHRISTmas this year. I want this to be a special year for the kids. Something that will help solidify all the great memories they have of CHRISTmas' past, with Mindy. I'm also intent on starting a new, fairly simple tradition we can do each year that they kids can look forward to.

I thought of maybe taking candles to Mindy on CHRISTmas eve. But what if they won't stay lit? So I thought what about leaving a rose from each child for Mindy. Unfortunately, Mindy was the creative one, she would know exactly what to do. I want so much for the kids to have a great end to a very difficult year. But I'm ready for the year to end.

My oldest is sick again also. We went to the doctor again this morning to confirm, she has strep throat again. At least she'll be done with the antibiotics this week so she should feel good soon. It just hurts me when there is nothing I can do to make them feel better. I wasn't like that before. When the kids were sick, it was Momma's job. She nursed them back to health and loved doing it.

I have no idea why anyone would ever choose to be a single parent, I certainly didn't choose it. And the more time I spend being a single dad the more I'm convinced that God never intended for there to be a single parent home. I'm blessed to have a great support network of friends and family that are always there to help me. But I think more like an older generation, in that I should be able to do this myself. If not I just pray harder for more strength and continue on. But that may also be because I haven't been doing this very long. That's probably apart of the anxiety also. Merry CHRISTmas to you and yours. Make sure you tell your loved ones how much they are loved. It serves them well, and makes you a great imitator of the ultimate servant leader, Christ Jesus.

His perfect timing

2008-12-06T23:01:00.001-06:00

Wow, I just keep getting these little miracles in my life. God's way of letting me know that I'm not in this alone. I told you all previously that I had instances of God's presence in my life. Well today I got another such blessing.

I did not take care when planning my finances this month. I am usually fairly decent at this but I've been a neglect steward the last few months. Well, I found myself in a position where I had to either ask for money, or be broke. I decided to do neither. I put the concern in the hands of God.

I knew I had a check coming to me, just not when. So I prayed that God would deliver that check before I needed the money. Well, the check I was expecting hasn't come. But wouldn't you know that I got an unexpected refund from court fees that I paid an attorney months ago. Now, had I gotten the check that I was expecting discerning minds could say that it was just coincidence. But God sent me a check from an unexpected source and to me it's indisputable that it was His will at work. Now the amount was not enormous, but it was just enough to cover my mistakes and answer my prayers.

I also have a new found conviction to build back my savings and return to my budget before I get myself in real trouble. And in the last few months I've had doubts about continuing my tithe. But no longer. It's all God's money, he chooses where to place it. He's asked that I give my tithe to the church, so there's nothing to doubt there...give the tithe to the church. I hope your weekend was filled with everyday blessings as mine has been.

The CHRISTmas tree is up!

2008-11-28T22:18:00.000-06:00

It's the day after Thanksgiving. A day when we usually want to put the tree up. Mindy and I always hated putting up the tree. We have a prelit, artificial tree...how much easier could it be. But it still seemed like such a chore. Usually I took all the boxes out of the attic, and she and the kids would decorate. This year I took the boxes down like usual, and my oldest stepped up and grabbed the parts of the tree and took over. That let me focus on the other decorations and it turned out okay. Mindy did it better, but it'll do.

Now I just need to start wrapping all the gifts I have hidden around the house so it will really look like CHRISTmas around the house. Each year at Thanksgiving I try to reflect on things I'm really thankful for. This year was difficult, not that I have less to be thankful for. The opposite is probably more true. But the emotions attached this year were more than I was expecting. I'm getting pretty good and hiding it from the kids though. I don't hide from them all the time, they need to know that I feel just like they feel. But sometimes, it's too much for me, all the overwhelming emotions. I can be on the brink of tears, drowning in sorrow and then I could think of something Mindy would say and I'll be so over joyed that I was able to spend a good decade with her. They don't really need to see all that. But I digress, this year I must say that above all I'm thankful for God's presence.

I've had more than one in the last two months where I had to put my faith in God that things would work out well. And on each occassion, things did not go anywhere near the expected path. But in the end it all worked out well. That presence of God, that he is looking out for my family. That he does hear my prayers. What could I possibly be more thankful for than that? Be sure to give thanks for all you have, and all that God has taken from you. His will is perfect, even if you don't understand it.

White Rock Relay

2008-11-24T13:30:00.005-06:00

I've always planned on running the White Rock Marathon, but I've never really trained for it. I always seem to procrastinate and start training too late in the season. This year I got in with a great group of guys to "Run the Rock" as a 5 man relay. I figured even without as much training as I'd like, I can knock out 5-6 miles for the relay.

This year the relay is on my nephew's birthday. So when we get finished in Dallas we'll head back for some BBQ. As we get into the Holy-days season I always get anxious that I won't get the right gifts, but I got a call this morning from my grandmother that reminded me that family is a really great gift. This year especially, there has been so much loss in and around our family. So for my family that may be reading, I hope you like your gifts. But if not, I hope you enjoy the time we get to spend together. And may God grant us many more to comfort and support one another.

Speaking of comfort and support, I've been putting off getting a new pair of running shoes. I hope my current ones will last through December. I plan on running with less equipment this year also. In previous years I ran with a GPS device and my MP3 player. This year I'm just taking my Blackberry. I downloaded a decent app to use the built in GPS locator to keep my pace, and I'll download my "running tunes" to keep me motivated.

Happy Birthday Son!

2008-11-21T13:21:00.001-06:00

My one and only son just turned 7! They really do grow up way too fast. He's such a mature 7 year old. He helps me around the house, does dishes, and for the most part gets along well with his sisters. And he's the smartest little boy I know (all parents have to say that right?).

So, happy birthday sugar bear! Here's looking forward to your next birthday and all the fun days we can have in between! I love you!

My baby can dance!

2008-11-17T09:56:00.005-06:00

My little baby girl has been taking dance for about a year now. Mindy enrolled her in the same dance school that Mindy went to as a little girl, and even bought an adult pair of tap shoes so she could help her practice at home. They both seemed to love it. But when it came time for the recitals there was always one little girl who just stood still on stage, like a deer in the headlights. That would be my little angel.

I've watched her dance in class, and talked to her instructor and she can dance really well. She just gets really shy. So I've been telling her all week how her instructor told me she was good. And I saw her dance and it was great so she should show everyone else. She had her first recital of the '08-'09 season last night and she danced every step of it. I was so proud of her! When she was done I scooped her up and just poured praises on her. She was grinning ear to ear. We all went for some ice cream to celebrate afterwards. I hope this good experience will continue for the remaining recitals. And she looked so cute in her Santa cap.

Friday in Faith

2008-11-14T14:29:00.005-06:00

1 Thessalonians 4:13-14 And now, dear brothers and sisters, we want you to know what will happen to the believers who have died so you will not grieve like people who have no hope. For since we believe that Jesus died and was raised to life again, we also believe that when Jesus returns, God will bring back with him the believers who have died.

The scripture that really touched me most this week was one I just re-read last night. I had read this quite a while ago when cross referencing my study of Revelations. But I haven't read it since Mindy passed. It just opened my heart with a glimmer of what it might be like when I am reunited with Mindy, my Great Grandmothers, and even the loved ones I never met, but are still my brothers and sisters in Christ. Could you imagine the joy, the pure love that would be exchanged!

When I read this passage the song Amazing Grace pops into my head. Because 'twas grace that taught my heart to fear. The song has always struck a chord in me, but it was played at Mindy's service and it's had a deeper meaning for me in reflection of the short decade I had with her.

What in the world is going on?

2008-11-14T13:59:00.006-06:00

I went last night to see Dr. David Jeremiah preach on topics covered in his book What in the World Is Going On? and overall I enjoyed it. I will say that I've only heard "Turning Point", his radio show, a few times so I wasn't very familiar with him. I went in a little skeptical, only because these days you have to be certain you are getting the Word of God, not a worldly perception of the word.

The evening began at 7pm and started with worship in song. This was wonderful at first, but an hour in I was ready for the main act. After an hour and a half of singing praises, which I love to do, Dr. Jeremiah took the stage. His initial comments set off my alarms. He made statements on various world events and natural disasters that had occurred in the last year. He briefly mentioned hurricane Katrina, and the issues in Myanmar. Now I know Katrina was in August of 2005 and I thought the major issues addressed by the UN in Myanmar were more than a year old as well. In further review it appears that issues in Myanmar did extend into 2008 and one could argue that the issues are not resolved today. But to state that Katrina occurred in the past 12 months?? Where was he going with this.

Now I will say that the remainder of the evening was strongly rooted in the true Word of God. And I did not discern any other discrepancies with what Dr. Jeremiah stated. I agreed with his points on the second coming of Christ and even got a new context for some scripture I was only fairly familiar with. And yes, I reviewed that scripture (1 Thes 4:13) later in the evening for further thought. This scripture really had me thinking of Mindy, and at that point in time I wanted Jesus to come back NOW! I was ready to meet my savior and be reunited with all my loved ones. But it's not my will, it's His will. His timing will be perfect, you'll see when we get there.

To any interested in seeing Dr. Jeremiah I would suggest it as a good time of fellowship outside of your local church, with like minded conservative Christians. In retrospect, I believe his statement about Katrina being in the last year was most likely a misstatement or misunderstanding. As his context for the statement was not incorrect at all. And ultimately it didn't matter if it was twelve months or thirty nine months. He wasn't giving a specific time frame for the second coming, as no one on earth knows that. But rather some events that could be indications as revealed in the Word.

All morning in court

2008-11-12T15:45:00.000-06:00

Today was the first hearing in my adoption case for my oldest daughter. I call her my daughter, cause to me she always has been. I've been raising her since she was two years old. But legally she is my step daughter. Hopefully that will all be changed soon. Her biological father (Bio Dad as he was referred to in court today) was not at the hearing and his lawyer requested a continuance. But his attorney had very little information to offer. It appears that Bio Dad has only spoken to his attorney on one occassion prior to the hearing.

I know very little about Bio Dad's case other than he is counterpetitioning my claims. I found out today from my attorney that he has three DWI's in another state (in TX that would be a felony) and he has recently left rehab and secured a regular job. These new bits of information don't really change the status of my case. I won't go into the details of it all here, but hopefully soon when all is said and done I can post some of the particulars to help other Step-parents that are looking to adopt. For now I've been given all the rights Mindy had, as declared in the divorce from Bio Dad. That's a step in the right direction, but it's just a temporary order.

I had a chat with my daughter last night to see if she still held the same position on the adoption as she did when she spoke with her court appointed attorney. She does, she wants to stay here with her family and friends. She wants to live with her Dad (me, of course) and siblings. I never have been great at praying, it's my weak link. But I've prayed a lot the last few days. Probably as much as I should be praying all the time! Please pray with me that the court rules in the best interest of the children.

I'm wrong cause Obama is right

2008-11-11T12:22:00.003-06:00

Yesterday on my way home with the kids I got a call from an automated service offering me a lower interest rate. I waited patiently for the prompt to press some digit to remove my phone number from the list, but there was no such prompt. So I chose to speak with the agent. A pleasant voice came to the phone asking if I was responding to the automated message. I stated that it was in deed a response of sorts and she quickly went into her script to sell me some goods or services. I told her I just wanted my phone number removed from the list, and this is where the conversation took a weird turn.

The agent responded in a snide tone that I should have told her that up front (we are about 7 - 10 seconds into a conversation) and that "Obama doesn't front like that, Obama is for real". What??

Who said anything about Obama? Was this a new service where I was going to get some rich person's money to pay my bills?? She then called me several expletives and told me what I should do and how Obama will do it. I doubt Obama would appreciate her speaking for him, but she was apparently comfortable doing so.

So to all the Wildershow listeners out there, I was in doubt...but it has begun. There is no stopping the insanity. There is no logic, there is no sense of reasoning for the so dubbed "Obambots".

I must say I wanted to give her the what for over the phone, but I quickly remembered the kids in the car as my 12 year old looked at me when I gasped at the Obama statements from way out in left field. So I refrained, but I really wanted to let her have a few points of my own. I tried to call the number (323-429-7522) back later to report the agent, but to no avail.

Now I know not all Obama supporters are similar to this person. But there is definitely more than one out there, and the number appears to be getting larger in my experience. So to those who still appreciate moral value, logic, and thinking for one's self; hang in there it may be a long four years.

The Weekend Blur

2008-11-10T14:44:00.005-06:00

Saturdays have quickly become the most hectic day of the weekend. I have managed to retain the privilege to sleep in on Saturday mornings...for now. I stir the kids around 8:45a or 9a and get them up. Then at 10:45a it's off to dance class. After dance all the little monsters are hungry so we round up some lunch. Some weekends we then head to my in-laws for the day, where the kids can play outside and burn off a lot of energy (aka sugar). Other weekends we head back home and start cleaning house, laundry, etc.

This past weekend was a really nice one. We went to the in-laws and had a wiener roast by a campfire. The kids followed that up with s'mores (Cajun style...blackened). Then the evening was wrapped up with a hayride around the block. The sky was clear and the stars were bright. The air was crisp, but not too cold. It was a very nice night. The little ones fell asleep in the car on the way home, and that makes for a nice quiet ride! I hope your weekend was a good as my weekend. I hope you spent time with your family and that it was as enjoyable as my time with my family.

Friday in Faith

2008-11-07T10:35:00.004-06:00

1 Corinthians 13:13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

I was reading this after getting an email with a passage in the same chapter earlier this week and it reminded me of Mindy. This was one of her favorites and she had rings and bracelets with similar inscriptions.

I have faith, hope and love. These three are rooted in Christ. And I have faith that he is the truth and I will be rejoined with her at his perfect time. And I have hope that his word will lead me to raise my children in a way that would glorify him first and foremost, but also honor Mindy. And of course the greatest of these is love. God's love and grace allowed Mindy to sit at his side now. She was baptised, as a show of her faith, on October 28,2007. That profession of faith along with her acts towards the kids should remind them of the love Mindy had for each of them. Love is the greatest, to be loved gives you the power to love. God loved us first and his love is unending.

What 12 year old girls don't tell Dad

2008-11-06T12:14:00.006-06:00

My almost teenage daughter is struggling at school this year. I know it's a combination of her sudden interest in boys and losing her mother, but it's still frustrating. I ask questions, I follow up, I remind her of various events, but I can't do the work for her. So while I'm reviewing her grades I see that she is failing athletics. Yes, seriously, athletics. Her grade has dropped to a 58 because she won't wear the gym clothes at school. When I asked why, I get "I left them in my locker". So as the wise and astute Dad I think I am I see this as an organization problem. I proceed to fix it by giving her step by step instructions (how ignorant!). If only I could refactor and recode my kids as easily as some C# or VB.

A week or so later, her grandmother quickly finds out that the issue is that she doesn't want to show her legs in gym because of her eczema. Now, that is obviously the real reason but I never would've guessed, and she wasn't going to tell me. So now I remind her to put lotion on her legs each night and she has sweat pants to wear during gym. One failing grade down...three more to go.

Now this is the same girl who rushes home to tell me about cute boys, and all the reasons why she should have a boyfriend. And I listen...a lot, and talk very little (even though my head is spinning!). But for the life of me I don't know why she can speak about all her "crushes" but hides her self esteem issues from me. To me they would go hand in hand. I guess that's why I'm Dad and not Mom. Thank God for a whole set of wonderful sisters (in-law) that can step in for me here. Not to mention the whole host of other family that have been supporting us. Raising kids is the hardest job I'll ever love. Raising a teenage girl is something all together different! Equal but different.

Mindy Lynn Wells | Aug. 12, 1974 - Aug. 6, 2008

2008-10-28T10:05:00.005-05:00

Mindy Lynn Wells (Marsalis) is survived by a loving family who will never forget her contagious smile and out going personality. She was a daughter, sister, wife, and mother and will be missed by all.

My wife of 8 years, Mindy, passed away on August 6, 2008. For the last several months my life has been one hectic, roller coaster ride. I find myself filling my schedule with as many "to do's" as I possibly can so that I don't even have time to sit down and watch TV. This makes some days very stressful, but for me stress is easier to deal with than grief. Mindy was the ultimate loving mother, she showered our children with affection and would do anything for them. God is perfect in his timing, and as much as I want her to be here with us I have to remember that. The children are adapting better than I ever expected, but I can't help but think I could do more for them. I want Mindy to look down, as she sits next to Jesus and discusses our family, and see what a great job I'm doing raising our kids. The only problem is that I don't think I'm doing that great of a job. A good job...but not a great job. When it comes to parenting, it seems I'm in a race car, barreling down the asphalt. I clip other cars as I rush past and I rub the wall at every turn. Not out of control, but just barely hanging on. And the best part is, there is no finish line. I can come into the pit as often as I like, but there is no finish. I don't know if that makes any sense to anyone else...but it seems perfect to me.

I never realized how deeply a part of my life Mindy was until she was gone. I mean, she was my wife, and I loved her through all the good and bad. I think we had more than our fair share of bad, but my heart was hers. I knew she loved me deeply, she told me often. But I didn't understand how a little at a time that river of love had run through my heart and eroded the bedrock. How it had softened me a little at a time and just kept growing. Now that she's gone I can see the deep chasm left where the river ran before. It's deep...and dry, but not dark. Her memories still light up the path like a bright summer sun. As much as I enjoy the warmth of a sunny day, I'm still uncomfortable listening to the quite stillness of a canyon where a bubbling, churning river once ran.

I take comfort in knowing that she's sitting next to my savior, and I'll see her again someday. But until then, I have an uphill battle to make sure my children remember their mother. They have to remember the love that Mindy felt for each one of them, and I have to be the messenger of that memory. I don't like being a single parent of three, but I love my beautiful children more than anything in the world. I've always felt that a father should provide for, and protect his children. But now even more so. Now I just need to find out how to be the greatest dad the world has ever seen. I need to keep them grounded in the truth, and help them learn to see the world as it really is. I want them to discern for themselves what is right. Especially in a world that seems to let anything go, all is relative and good in moderation. Please pray with me that God will grant me the wisdom to make good decisions for my children, and strength to be consistent in those decisions. And please pray that the love of their mother will sustain them when they need it. That they never forget all the wonderful things she did for them in the short time we had with her

My sister ~~in-law~~, Jennifer, put together this beautiful presentation for Mindy's funeral service. Please take a moment to view it if you have not already.

MSF - Rider Safety Course

2008-08-04T10:15:00.001-05:00

This past weekend I completed the MSF Rider Safety Course offered through Texas R.I.D.E.R at the Arlington location. If you don't remember it was 102°F on Saturday and 104°F on Sunday so it was exhausting to be outside all day. The humidity made it feel much hotter and we were under an exessive heat warning. But the class I was in had a great group of people. We started the riding portion of the class with 7 riders in the group I was in. After the heat took it's toll just 5 of us completed it. We had plenty of water breaks to keep us functioning.

I'm not a paid endorser, but I strongly suggest you check out Texas R.I.D.E.R if you, or someone you know, needs to take a riding course. Our instructor, Mike Hudson, was a just full of knowledge and experience. I think it's safe to speak for my other 5 riding companions when I say he made the class fun and the heat bearable. Now I'm off to get my insurance discount, H.O.G. reimbursement, etc. Be sure to check out the CMA. Have fun and be safe and as Mike reminded us the rubber side goes down, the shiny side stays up!

Happy Father's Day

2008-06-24T14:19:00.003-05:00

For Father's Day I got myself a new Harley, from the kids of course! It's a 2006 Sportster 1200 Low and has been getting about 42 mi/gal. I expect the gas milage will go up when the engine is broken in. It only had 80 mi on it when I picked it up. I like the contrast of black and chrome (see picture) and I already have a new set of V&H pipes picked out to go on it. The best part is, the money I save in gas basically pays for my bike and insurance each month. The guys up at Longhorn Harley-Davidson in Grand Prairie, TX are awesome. Ron sold me the bike and the whole process took probably 45 minutes or less. I already want another one (a 2007 Buell Firebolt) and when I'm ready to get it I'll go back to see Ron. I've had it up there for some very minor maintenance (it sat for almost two years) and Trent and the service crew were great about explaining the issue and making sure we were all on the same page.