Lazy but not illiterate

So maybe I jumped the gun a little about the State.  Not that they weren’t completely incompetent in deciphering the information that they, themselves, requested I send in but it ended up not being such an ordeal to straighten out. It took less than 20 phone calls (still annoying, but I’ve met with worse.) to get it all in order.

The agent at the State Heath Services department NEVER answered her phone if I called directly. But if I “chose the wrong option” in the automated system and then asked to be transferred she amazingly picked up every time. I had to also consult my attorney that handled the adoption as well as the Social Security Administration to make sure all the ducks were in a row before nudging the State to do the right thing. All in all it’s a closed issue.

I hope.

The new birth certificate should be sent out next week so I will hopefully have ample time to get the school district’s paperwork in order. The new birth certificate will list my name only and I’m disappointed that it worked out that way.  But according to my attorney the other option was to file another lawsuit and I wasn’t about to reach for Pandora’s box. Although now it will be obvious to the casual observer that the birth certificate has been amended in some fashion.

I think in light of this I may just go ahead and get the Teen a passport to, in many cases, avoid using the birth certificate. Besides when I returned from Panama last April, before Mindy passed, I told her it would be nice to take her and the kids there. I made her a video while I was there and I’m not sure if I ever got around to showing it to her. Maybe the kids and I can revisit Panama to make a new video and get a new stamp in the passport.

So catastrophe has been avoided and I can go back to getting anxious about next week.

Can’t you read?

I was under the impression that since the adoption was complete that I was in the clear. I was wrong. It appears that the great State of Texas requires that you send in paperwork to which they have no intention of reading. Such is the case with my Order Granting Adoption. I need these documents in order to properly enroll her in school. I sent in the order, along with the Certificate of Adoption and the required fee as requested by the State only to receive a letter in return that my request could not be completed because the child’s mother did not join in the petition.

The agent handling my request at the State office got  a concise email and several voicemails to inform her that had she bothered to read the documents I sent in it is clearly stated that the child’s mother is not included as a petitioner because she is deceased!! To this point all attempts to contact the agent to ask her to actually read the paperwork I was requested to send in have met with no response.

So to quickly recap; I sent in the documents and the fee. The State waited three weeks to cash my check for the fees and waited an additional month to notify me they couldn’t complete my request. All attempts at contact have been fruitless and school starts in three weeks. I can only envision the mess I’ll have trying to straighten this all out with the State, then the school, and then the Social Security office. I just have no patience for this sort of laziness.

We still have loose ends

After Mindy passed, nearly a year ago, I began to get a lot of paperwork in order that we should have done well before anything happened. I had my will drawn up, a trust created, got all my insurance in order, and took care of the adoption that Mindy and I had been talking about for some time. We put many of these things off because who really expects to die at 33? Is it realistic to prepare to be a widower at 30? Obviously, YES!

When the adoption was complete, my very awesome attorney told me that since I had just deposited additional money into my retainer that I should have some money coming back. I too expected this as I had put in a couple of thousand just the week before. Fast forward 10 weeks and I get the final invoice in the mail. Amazingly there is no refund. Not only that, but I was about $650 short. She graciously adjusted off the remaining balance so that in effect I broke even. I would highly recommend her for any family law concerns you have in Tarrant County, but I should’ve expected that given enough time…the refund would disappear. Even without the refund I ended up not spending quite $10k on the whole process; which I understand is about the norm. So I guess I still came off on the better side of it all. It sure would’ve been nice to have a little change back though. I’ve filed for the updated birth certificate, which I have yet to receive, and will get the Social Security information updated if the new birth certificate ever shows up. All of that is out of my hands for now while we wait on the great State of Texas to get everything in order.

For a good while there I was actually dealing with 5 separate attorneys at the same time, keeping each of my little issues compartmentalized. I’m down to just 1 now, the counselor who is filing my trust and final will. He’s been working on this for several months and keeps promising me documents…to which I have none. I have paid him all but the last few hundred dollars and I’m visiting him today. He should have the paper work ready…if not I’ll be a few hundred dollars better for a while longer. Again with the attorneys and money, I guess all the jokes and stereotypes aren’t too far off.

At least my insurance is all cared for and there was no hassle in setting it up at all. Too bad my finance guy who did my insurance can’t take care of the other stuff too!

So here we sit, quickly approaching a year since our lives changed forever, still dealing with the aftermath. I know that to some degree we always will be, but it would be nice to have these things checked off the list. I have this idea that if I get all these things checked off that my life might slow down to something resembling the pace I had in my life of before, but I know in reality it never will. I know this is my new life…I just haven’t fully accepted it yet.

Life…the week of June 22

It’s been a tough week and I’m worn out. At least for now it appears that next week will be a total opposite. Next week should be quiet and relaxing…I hope.

Last Monday I put my Teen on a flight out to see her paternal grandparents to fulfill a promise I made her when the adoption process began. I was weary about sending her out of the state until the adoption was final but she wanted to see her Bio Dad’s family. As part of the final adoption we put in language that any visits to see his family would be with the paternal grandparents, they would be the ones responsible for her care. I sent the flight information to them about a month ahead of time, then confirmed about a week prior. The Teen and I packed bags and headed for her 6:35a flight out to see them and I saw her off at the flight gate. A couple of hours later I got a text message (the only way teens seem to communicate) that she had landed. I was thrilled; I didn’t ask her to call or text me she took it up herself to do so…for her that is huge! About 10 min later I got another text, nobody had shown up to claim her. I started making phone calls while trying to keep her calm and finally got in touch with her grandmother at the office. A few minutes later a call from Bio Dad as he was at the airport with his father. They said they’d been there for a while looking for her (now 30min on the ground with no contact) but hadn’t been able to locate her.First of all SHE HAS HER CELL PHONE! And secondly, this airport has two terminals…yeah TWO! It’s not like they had to search LAX or something to find her!

It’s my opinion that they showed up late and were alerted of my phone calls which in turn prompted their call. After reaching me they found her, and 45min after her plane landed she was on her way. I’ve sent her a few text messages through the week and she seems to be having a good time. I just feel like they go out of their way to make it obvious that they don’t really care. They go through the motions and say the right things, but it’s the little things that speak volumes. The options to take her to dinner while their in town, and they refuse. The prior chances to visit her when not court ordered…not even thought about. Some times it’s hard to not say negative things about them around her, but I know she’s almost old enough to see it all for herself.

Tuesday was a fairly normal day, and Wednesday should have been. The A/C service man came out for the semi-annual tune up on our A/C units. He was only there for a little over an hour and it all seemed well when he left. Thursday was our night at The WARM Place so we didn’t get home until late so we didn’t notice much about the temperature in the house but Friday it was HOT! It turns out that whatever the service man did on Wed during the preventative maintenance has us sitting in the heat now. He’s coming back out, of course, but it could never be soon enough. Even with the larger downstairs unit working the house isn’t cool so we’ve been out to eat and anywhere I can think of that will entertain the kids and keep us cool.

Thursday at The WARM Place the topic of dating was brought up and how to deal with the children’s emotions when a widow/er begins to date. Since this is a topic I’m not ready to discuss (at least publicly) I was pretty quiet, and the fact that I was the only male in the room this week ensured I didn’t say much! It was nice though to hear what these women had been going through and how they’ve dealt with it. I have really started enjoying my time at The WARM Place despite my strong hesitations to going originally. But like any time we go the “triggers” are always there in abundance so it’s always a demanding evening for me.

We’re gearing up for the July 4th weekend and the kids are looking forward to seeing their cousins. We want to get out to Nonnie June’s and over to Mindy’s parent’s for a little bit, but it’s looking more and more like we’ll have to choose just one. Either way we’ll have plenty of fireworks and fun. I hope your Independence Day we’ll be as fun as our should be; and I hope we can all stay cool in this summer heat!

All morning in court (Part IV)

The adoption is final!

Our whole family went to court yesterday morning for the final hearing. Mindy’s parents were there along with my parents, grandparents, and Aunt Jen to support my Teen. And now she legally is MY Teen. We met up with even more family later that evening for a celebratory dinner. It’s been a great day; a day that I have long awaited and an very thankful to have behind me.

For all the uplifting email I’ve received…Thank you.

I took Princess and Sugarbear to the adoption hearing as well. It was important to me that they be there when the Judge secured our future together as a family, giving legal weight to the reality we’ve been living. They got a big kick out of the process and the formality of the event really helped it materialize to all three of them that this is a big deal. For them nothing really changes, but the threat of my Teen being taken away is now gone. Those little minds didn’t quite grasp the importance of it all. The Judge and court officials were all very nice. They posed with us in pictures and let my Teen strike the gable when the hearing was closed marking the end to the ordeal. The kids enjoyed the day out of school, and while it makes for a little bit of catch up work I think it was worth it to really make the day stand out in their minds as a special one.

The legal proceedings are all complete. Now onto the task of having all the documentation updated. We have to get the birth certificate and Social Security information updated so that I can get her properly enrolled in school next year. More pressing is a plane flight coming up in June…my Teen has to take ID with her to fly as an Unaccompanied Minor to see her paternal grandparents and getting all the ducks in a row for that will be tough. At least all the heavy lifting is done.

Today I’ve felt lighter, it’s strange how I physically feel different when something so significant occurs. It’s been about a month since I’ve felt this way which was when Bio Dad’s rights were terminated. It’s makes everything seem better and no matter how long it lasts….it’s never long enough. I’m sure the mother’s out there may have a different opinion but for me the euphoria from the adoption being complete was comparable to the feeling I had when Mindy first told me we were pregnant. I say we because she let me know when WE didn’t feel well and WE didn’t get to do a lot of things because WE were pregnant. (In my head she just playfully slapped me for that last sentence.) Maybe it’s the context in which the adoption took place but there is definitely a sense of completeness now that I never knew I was missing before. I hope I can do justice to Mindy’s expectations for raising our children. She gave me a bit of a head start when she brought such wonderful little lives into this world for us to enjoy.

But for now I’m thankful. God is obviously at work in keeping us together.

A little sleep for a change

After all the excitement yesterday in court I went to see Mindy and tell her the good news. I know she’s always with me and I don’t have to go out to the grave site to feel close to her. On important days like yesterday it feels better to me; like I’m closer to her and more focused on what she would say to me. I am so excited that the termination of Bio Dad’s rights is completed and I just had to go tell her. It was good for me to remember the inscription on the back of her stone lacked the children’s last names on purpose. I left them off because at the time the Teen still kept Bio Dad’s name and the wording only reference my last name. This way the inscription implied that the children’s names were all the same as their mother and I. Now we are legally closer to what we have always been…one big happy family. Just one more court proceeding to go, the final adoption.

I guess the excitement had my heart pumping more than I expected because after we had a little dinner I found myself struggling to keep my eyes open. I manage to stay awake long enough to get the little ones bathed and in bed…barely. I told my Teen to do the same and wake me if I drifted off before she went to bed. I don’t really know what time it was but the last look I got at the clock was around 9:30p. I woke up this morning with the lights on, TV still playing, and surprised that I could hear the alarm clock over all the noise. I must’ve been more exhausted that I thought to sleep through all of that.

I probably could have slept for a few more hours but life doesn’t let me do that very often. I still managed to get about three loads of laundry done between last night and this morning while getting ready for work (mostly this morning) but I’m so thankful for the sleep and not really caring that my house looks like a disaster area. Of course the cleaning service is coming this week so, according to the kids, my house is supposed to be a disaster.

Today is just such a wonderful day. I’m so thankful for God’s work in keeping our family together and for the apparently much needed rest. I just want this feeling of exhilaration to last a little while longer. It’s a welcome change to the daily norm that has become my life. It’s so much easier to praise God for answered prayers than to be vigilant about lengthy requests such as adoptions and reconciliation of grief. For now I’ll take as much of the easy as I can get.

All morning in court (Part III)

We went back to court this morning for what would turn out to be the winning moment in our case. I was really frustrated with the way my Teen was treated this weekend as Bio Dad went through the motions of his visitation. As I stated before he chose to not see her on Friday because he was too tired. Saturday he picked her up and took her shopping and to see a movie; that was a pretty good day for the two of them. Then to end the trip in his typical fashion he picked her up on Sunday and took her to break fast and to a book store. They spent the remainder of the day watching TV in his hotel room with his father.

My Teen was acting a bit odd afterward but I guess she was just tired from sitting around all day. I asked her a few questions but she didn’t really want to talk so I dropped it. I didn’t want her to think I was putting her in the middle and trying to pry into her time with him. She’ll eventually tell me what she’s thinking about it all but I’ll have to wait till she’s ready.

With the weekend in mind I went to court this morning and pointed out all the facts he’s given that don’t add up correctly such as starting a new job in mid November but giving a pay check stub from his job from the end of November after not paying child support for a few more months. I asked the opinion of my attorney about making a deal with him to forgive his back child support in return for termination of his parental rights, which we agreed was acceptable given that he won’t be able to pay and has never regularly paid his support payments. He jumped on the deal right away and we spent most of the morning hashing out all the minor details. Then we tracked down the first available district judge and had the termination made official.

Yes, OFFICIAL!

We will have to go to court one more time to complete the adoption process but the termination is complete and that is a huge step in the right direction. As I understand from my attorney the adoption is mostly a formality at this point. The courts aren’t going to allow my Teen to go without a parent and we couldn’t complete the adoption as she was not there. I really didn’t think he would go for the deal and of course the attorney’s were not aware until our conversation that morning but it all worked out well and I praise God for his continued blessing on our family. Now I can rest a little easier at night knowing that we can stay together always, there is no threat of our family being torn apart by legal proceedings any longer.

This is the biggest bit of news I’ve had to share with my kids since Mindy passed, but this time we’ll all be crying for a different reason. I’m so thankful!! So very, very thankful!! For all those who where praying with us and for us, thank you for powerful prayers. Thank God for his hand of blessing on us!

Deadbeat Dad frustration

Bio Dad called this afternoon at about 12:20p to let me know that he was in town for his visitation with my Teen. The issue is that he is court ordered to take my Teen to see her ad litem attorney today during his visitation time. Not only is he not doing so, and once again failing to comply with court orders, he also has no real interest in seeing his only offspring. He said he was "...tired and going to lay around the hotel..." but that he'll call her this evening to speak with her.

Are you SERIOUS!

REALLY!

If my whole court case was based on my want to visit my daughter, I think when I was given the chance I would visit my daughter! But I guess that's what one can expect from Bio Dad who has never had any substantial contact with my Teen. I wish I knew what it would take to make him go away. One day she will most likely want a relationship with him; one that she defines but for now he just needs to go away.

He has failed to comply with all but one of the several court orders issued to him thus far; my hope is that when we head to court again in the very near future that the judge recognizes his lack of effort. I'm so furious that he has a very, very weak case and yet is still able to just drag out these proceedings costing everyone involved time and money. Not to mention the impact he's having on my Teen any hopes she may have of a relationship with him in the future.

She has known for some time that he was to come into town today and spend time with her. I haven't had a chance to speak with her yet but I'm very anxious to see how she feels now that he is delaying his time with her. She won't know the lame excuse he gave me today, that would do more harm than good I think, but someday she'll know. How important could someone feel if they understood their parent was too tired to see them? It's not as if this was a last minute update for him. He's had a month to plan this trip and provide adequate time to spend with her.

Richard Baxter said "Anger is a passionate emotional response to a perceived evil that would cross us or hinder us from something good." I really am trying to stay on the positive side of anger. I will be glad when this task of adopting my Teen is complete. I just have to remind myself that I have a very strong case, but it will take time.

The sky is grey

It rained off and on all day yesterday...and probably will again today. I don't know if it's the weather, or the fact that Mindy loved this kind of weather, or an unexpected phone call from one of her old friends but in any case the last two days have been rough.

Wednesday while I was driving in to work I got notice that a voicemail had been left on my home number that almost never happens. Family and friends have my mobile number and telemarketers usually don't leave messages. I listened to the message as I sat in the stubborn, crawling traffic; it was an old friend of Mindy's and she was calling for Mindy. It's been seven months and somehow she didn't know...and now I was going to have to tell her. It took me more than three hours to rehearse what I would say and call her back. The call went well; she will be one of the ties to Mindy that I can keep and that works well in my recent campaign. But to have to relive the story again and hear her reaction to it....I was back at square one.

I was sitting in my car in the parking lot at work after reluctantly making that phone call; the rain tapping on the top of the car and the wind blowing the drops across the windshield like little tears and all I kept thinking was that Mindy would love to make a big pot of chili and sit on the couch with the blinds open so she can watch the rain. Then later when we were all back at home and the kids were put to bed I laid awake listening to the rain thinking how Mindy loved to sleep to the sound of pattering rain drops. So I kept listening...waiting to fall asleep. I finally lost track of the time around 4am and then woke up late at 7:30am. The Teen almost missed her bus and the little ones were late to school by one minute (or so the elementary school "Clock Nazi" tells me).

I spent much of yesterday at work trying my best to actually work. I don't know what, if anything, that I accomplished. I don't really recall much of the day at all. Just that my mind wandered a lot. I considered leaving several times, but only stayed because I'm on vacation next week for the kid's spring break. I do remember contemplating my next move on the adoption in the car on my way home. My favorite afternoon radio host was on the subject of children and their best interest...so of course I went off on my own little tangent.

My previous position has been that Bio Dad owes my Teen her child support...all the tens of thousands of dollars he has neglected to pay. In reality I know that he'll never pay it; he doesn't care for her enough to take care of his obligation. But is it in her best interest to fight over it in court when either way she'll never get the money? The best she'll get is a judgment that can't be enforced (he doesn't own anything of value). I've made up my mind that I'm fighting for full termination of his rights and adoption but the money has been a side bar issue that is of greater concern for him.

I'm not sure what to do just yet, but at least I know a few things I can do. I guess it's just been a stressful few days with little sleep. But today is the last day I'll have to go through the motions at the office for a little while. And sleeping in the hotel during our little trip may just be enough of a scenery change to get me back off square one; at least for a while.

All morning in court (Part II)

Here we go again; back in the same court room as the first hearing. Only this time we never made it up to see the judge.

Things in court today went well, but not as well as I had hoped. I wanted my attorney to tell me that this is almost over but instead I found out that it could drag out for a year or two if neither side is willing to give in. I wanted Bio Dad to realize that he’s case is weak at best and that he’s just throwing his money away. I honestly don’t know what he wants from this in the end. I know exactly what I want, to keep my family intact.

He’s coming by to take the Teen out to dinner tonight…my guess is that he’ll show up with gifts and take her to eat where ever she wants to go. Not that it’s a bad thing, but that’s all he ever does. He’s not a real father. He’s never taken her to the doctor when she’s sick. He doesn’t check who her friends are or, in my opinion, even care. He doesn’t call regularly to keep in touch with her; although that part I don’t mind so much. At one point in the past he was court ordered to call her…court ordered. Who has to be court ordered to call their kids?!? To make it worse…he only called 4-5 times then we didn’t hear from him for years. But it’s hard for me, because I know it’s hard for her.

Mindy and I used to talk about how one day our Teen would look back and realize how inept he has been in making sure he was involved in her life. One day she would realize that what he says and what he does don’t often match up. I think she’s starting to see that through these proceedings. She wanted to know all about what happened this morning in court when she got home today. I gave her the censored version that doesn’t include all my opinions. And I hope tonight at dinner Bio Dad has enough sense to not talk about it to her all night long. But either way, I’m okay with it because she’s smart enough to see through his words and look at his actions.

Really at this point I guess I have to decide if I am willing to settle with managing conservatorship or if I press for full termination of his rights and adopt. I’m leaning heavily to termination because I think it’s best for the Teen. But I have to be honest it’s hard to be certain if that’s what I want or what I really think is best for her. I hope the answer to both of those questions is yes. If I settle, this could all be over within a week, but I’ll spend the next five years dealing with him on visitation disputes and nonpayment of his child support obligations. And he would still have some, albeit limited, influence in her life. If I press on, I’m confident that I’ll win, but it’ll cost a lot of money that I could use to take the kids places, put to their college, or whatever else. I wouldn’t have to worry about his influence on her or what she does. If I settle now what message does that send to my Teen or does it have any impact at all? What impact, if any, does it have on my two little ones?

It’s times like these, as I ponder these potentially life altering details, that I’m thankful I have so many family and friends praying for me and the kids. And I just found out that more of them read this than I ever imagined; until just recently I thought it was just my brother and his wife. But I’m wandering from my point.

Along with the prayers there is action to back it up; Mindy’s parents have offered me a plan to get the Teen to/from summer school should she fail her classes. And there are so many teachers in this family…it’s really kind of ridiculous. Ridiculous that she might fail 7th grade with so much help all around her. And again I'm wandering...it’s not who does what. It’s that everyone is doing something and that continually amazes me. And you would be surprised how little the big things are sometimes and how huge the little things can be. Aunt Jen did laundry, and started dinner for us the other night before taking Princess to a Mother & Daughter PJ Party at the church. That was huge. It was the first meal we ate that wasn’t eaten in or picked up from a restaurant or fast food place and it was fantastic. She didn’t ask, or even suggest anything; she just did it because she knew we’d love it and it would be one less headache for me to deal with when I got home.

Would the Teen have family like this, so caring, thoughtful and attentive, if she were to have to spend a summer in another state with Bio Dad? I would have to say that I’ve not seen these qualities in what I've seen of his family, and I guess that’s part of what scares me. Children inherit so much from behaviors of their parents, and teenagers especially need to feel secure and loved while learning to stand on their own. Mindy wasn’t okay with our Teen spending that much time with Bio Dad, she fought him on it in court. She knew him much better than I do and she was uncomfortable letting him attempt to care for his own daughter. So I guess, through the process of working this all out for this post I’ve answered my own question. Maybe this was all just my lack of confidence rearing its head again; but in any case I know what Mindy would’ve wanted to do. And I know that she always wanted the best for our children. I’ll pray about it and let the answer be revealed, then no matter what happens I know it is the right thing.

Well, it’s off to the grocery store to replenish a few missing items, then dinner. I got to bed by 11p last night (early for me) maybe I can get a repeat tonight.

I would love a repeat of that tonight.

**Update**
OK so it's now almost 2am...no repeat.

But I was reading Mindy's bible and I almost never get an immediate answer like this, but I know what Mindy would want; I know what our Teen wants. And I know what I am supposed to do.

There is a reason that I want to take the hard road here...because it's the right road to take. As much as I dread pouring money into this for legal fees and as anxious as I am for this to be completed, the quick and cheap route out of court is really the harder way to raise her. And if the last six months are any indication it's going to be tough enough without his interference. So I'll duke it out in the court room for the next year or so if that is what it takes. Compromising now and hoping it works out for the best later is too big of a risk to take with all of my children, and this doesn't just afffect the Teen.

Blindsided

This weekend was doomed from the start, I'm just glad that the Valentine's madness is behind us. Mindy never did like Valentine's much anyway...I loved that! We even moved our wedding a few days just to avoid Valentines. But Saturday I took the kids to see her and we placed some flowers for her. My Mom provided the flowers, they were nice. I couldn't tell you what type of flowers they were, I'll claim being a man for that one. But they were pink, and Mindy loved pink.

I noticed that my little ones could have cared less if we went to place the flowers...and the Teenager was noticeably upset. Not crying, making a scene upset; but the "I'm 13 and I don't want to talk about it" upset. I finally got it out of her later that evening that the prospect of me getting upset near her, in turn upset her. I can't blame her, I just wished she had told me earlier.

The next day we went out to my in-laws to visit. Mindy's father likes to give me advice, and I'm not one to turn down good information. But this time he told me that I don't need to go see Mindy, it just makes it worse and I need to move on. But I don't think he and I see it the same way. To him it brings it all to the surface and it's uncomfortable. For me, it's a way to release...to let go. I can get things off my chest and vent without any one's response. And it helps me to keep the memories of her, because I can imagine what Mindy would say to all my comments.

He also asked me "When are you going to get a girlfriend?" To which I had almost no response. I was not expecting that question to come from him. I think really it was his way of just saying 'When you want to get a girlfriend, it's okay with us.' The first thought that ran through my head was...it's only been six months. What would that say to my children about how I felt towards their mother? It's not like it's been a few years and the wounds have healed some. I do really miss being married, but I really miss being married to Mindy. Not to just anyone. But as I said, I think he had good intentions...the words just fell out all wrong. Never the less, the pot had been stirred.

Then we moved on, cause the conversation was getting a little deep and the tears were coming up in both our eyes. And for two men standing in a garage, surrounded by power tools and power toys, that's just not very cool. But the subject doesn't stray very far...now it's on to 'when will I take time for myself'. Um...that's what I went to Colorado for. I had a week of fun with the guys. No kids, no wives, no distractions...just fun. I think I'm good for a while, but apparently I'm the only one because this isn't the first time the subject has come up, and my side of the family is just as pressing on the issue. But I make a quick list of the times I've squeaked away, kid free, for a few hours and for now it's a quashed item.

We head inside and I get a proper lecture about how I need to step up my game as a parent because my Teenager all but refuses to pass her classes in school. Now I have to be polite, and what they were suggesting all makes sense and was meant to help. But I really just wanted to stand up and scream "Hey, there's just one of me here!" I poke and prod and ask questions about school all the time but I can't do the work for her. And when I force her to do her work, I can't make her turn it in. We've had teacher conferences, we've tried every imaginable punishment...but that is all a whole other topic that would fill a page itself.

The kids spent the night with them. I leave thinking I have a 200lbs. weight attached to my ankle. And I can't drag it or I'll disappoint someone.

My brother asks if I want to meet them at a local restaurant. So I do and got a little steam out, then I met the guys at a bar downtown. Then a bit more steam came out.

I went to pick up the kids the next day. The Teenager didn't follow my instructions, and Sugarbear ended up with fever and was vomiting in the night. Hey, is there a better way to end an extended Valentine's weekend then with willful defiance and sick kids?

Well, we head to our first group session this week. Another event I'm not looking forward to doing. And then next week I'm back in court for another hearing on the adoption. So at this point, I just hope that light in the tunnel isn't a train.

And the adoption goes on...and on

I hate writing about this adoption...only because I feel this overwhelming need to be censored. But it is really weighing on me. Our next court date is just over a week away and nothing has really changed in that time. Bio-Dad still doesn't call, doesn't write...doesn't anything. He did manage to send some CHRISTmas and birthday presents along with the presents his parents sent (wonder who really did all that?)

He still managed to botch that up. He bought my Teenager some clothes and they were all way too big. But then again how would he know...it's not like he's an active part of her life anyway. He did manage to get her a Sony PSP and a few games. The only thing that burns me about the PSP is that he can afford that but he can't pay his child support?

Don't get me wrong, we aren't starving without his child support for her. It's the principle really. He was ordered to pay child support when she was just an infant. She's a teenager now and he's $35,000+ behind and fighting me for custody of her. He was court ordered to call her on Saturdays (what parent has to be court ordered to talk to their kids?) and did that for about 3 weeks. I mean, in my opinion, it's obvious that he doesn't really care about her or care about having custody of her. I just don't know what is pushing his buttons to make him fight me so much.

And it's very scary to know that as much as my family has been ripped apart by Mindy's death, as we go on mending our lives and finding our way as our family minus one the threat of loosing another still looms. The decision as to whether or not the daughter I've raised since she was two and a half years old gets to stay in our household rests in the hands of a judge. And as capable and honorable as the judge may be...it's scary to have his decision make or break what I'm trying to hold together.

Well, as much help as venting can be, I guess that's all I can say for now. I can't wait until this is all said and done. I can't wait to have that 'Your Adopted' party to celebrate the fact that we get to continue being the family Mindy and I wanted us to be.

Adoption Woes

Merriam defines adoption as adopt: to take by choice into a relationship ; especially : to take voluntarily (a child of other parents) as one's own child.

With that you would think the courts would have a slightly different perception on adoption. Here in my state it's only a recent change that allows step parents to adopt directly. I've heard horror stories of adoption proceedings first hand from others and hope that my case doesn't hit the same kinds of bumps in the road. But the process does seem to be one that is exceedingly lengthy. It's tough for me to blog about this topic now because so much is still in the courts hands but it has been such a point of frustration for me that I feel it should at least be mentioned.

I just wish that the courts would look at each case with the initial perception that the adopting party is doing so willingly. This is often done out of love and compassion for the minor(s) involved. And in what I've seen always done with the child's interest at heart. But the stories I've been exposed to thus far seem to indicate that the perception of the court is that the child's biological parents are in some way superior just because they produced a child. While I don't want to indicate that it should be a trivial thing to separate a child from it's parents. I do think that the court would serve the public better if it truly viewed the case in the best interest of the child.

I absolutely despise the prefix "step", as it relates to defining family relations. Step parent seems to degrade the role to something less than what a parent would perform. The title step child seems to indicate that the individual is some how outside the borders of what a child is expected to be. The prefix "step" seems to lower the expectations of what ever title it precedes. I take great pride in the fact that people can't detect which of my children is a so called step child without being informed. And I never use the term step child unless it is absolutely necessary (as in legal proceedings) to properly define a relationship. So to all the people out there in the role of parent, accept your title as it should be. Defy the prefix and outperform the perceptions it drags along with it. God has no step children, why should you?

All morning in court

Today was the first hearing in my adoption case for my oldest daughter. I call her my daughter, cause to me she always has been. I've been raising her since she was two years old. But legally she is my step daughter. Hopefully that will all be changed soon. Her biological father (Bio Dad as he was referred to in court today) was not at the hearing and his lawyer requested a continuance. But his attorney had very little information to offer. It appears that Bio Dad has only spoken to his attorney on one occassion prior to the hearing.

I know very little about Bio Dad's case other than he is counterpetitioning my claims. I found out today from my attorney that he has three DWI's in another state (in TX that would be a felony) and he has recently left rehab and secured a regular job. These new bits of information don't really change the status of my case. I won't go into the details of it all here, but hopefully soon when all is said and done I can post some of the particulars to help other Step-parents that are looking to adopt. For now I've been given all the rights Mindy had, as declared in the divorce from Bio Dad. That's a step in the right direction, but it's just a temporary order.

I had a chat with my daughter last night to see if she still held the same position on the adoption as she did when she spoke with her court appointed attorney. She does, she wants to stay here with her family and friends. She wants to live with her Dad (me, of course) and siblings. I never have been great at praying, it's my weak link. But I've prayed a lot the last few days. Probably as much as I should be praying all the time! Please pray with me that the court rules in the best interest of the children.