Promotion to grades 1, 2, and 8.

In the past two weeks a lot has been going on at our house. The kids have been in full swing with their extracurricular activities and we went back to school shopping; I do not like shopping. Then last week the 2009-10 school year began. It’s been really nice having the kids home with me every evening again instead of the hit and miss each week we tried out during the summer. We won’t be doing that again next summer; at least not to that drastic of an extent. It was too hard for me. I felt like a divorcee Dad who only gets to see his kids on particular weekends and various holidays.

Dealing with grief is nothing like I imagined before August 6, 2008. It’s not something that you get over. It’s not something that just passes by. It’s an event that happens, like your own personal Pearl Harbor or 9/11. It redefines your life and, much like these National tragedies, it takes a while to recoup and reorganize into something that resembles a normal life. I do mean resembles as it’s only the outward perception that you display that ever resembles anything normal. Losing Mindy has given me new perspectives on relationships, marital and otherwise. Her effect on my life in the short decade we had together has forever changed me, and for the better. I think I’m a more attentive father compared to my ‘life of before’. Sometimes this attentiveness appears as over protection when it comes to my children, but so be it. As far as I’m concerned my children have endured enough to last well into adulthood, if not all of their lives. I’m certain they will have more pain as they grow we all do, but if life were fair they could skip over the rest of it and just enjoy the everyday miracles in life. I spent my 31st birthday ‘back to school’ shopping with my kids (because the middle school students don’t get supply list until after school starts and everything is sold out!) thinking how much fun Mindy had picking them out backpacks and pencil boxes.

The week school started my Princess got her first pair of glasses. Now she doesn’t squint to read and watch television. She’s a little behind in her reading because she had such a difficult time seeing, but she’s a brilliant little girl so we’ll more than make up for it very quickly. She loves her new glasses. She picked out some High School Musical themed frames and couldn’t wait to show them off at school. I’m glad she’s excited about it, I don’t know if I would’ve had the energy to fight her over it like my parents had to with me when I was young.

At the end of the previous school year I sent off several letters to various school administrators and did not get a reply back from any of them. I at least expected an acknowledgement of the letter, but there was nothing. So this year I expected to again have issues and I was pleasantly surprised that I have had none so far. They put my Princess in class with Sugarbear’s teacher from last year as I requested (Yeah Mrs. H!). My Teen got an acceptable schedule, which was turned in late by me instead of on time by her, with the majority of the classes she wanted. I assume by compliance of those two requests that the other letters were at least read by someone in the school district. It looks to be a promising year even though I’ve heard horror stories already from other parents in our district. To be fair I must say that I’ve only had an issue with one teacher at the middle school level. The other teachers have been great for my kids, it’s the administration that frays the last remaining threads of my sanity. It’s pretty apparent that I’m not the only parent with that experience in this district.

My Teen has shown some remarkable growth in the past few months. She even made dinner one night last week without any prompting from me, and it wasn’t just spaghetti or some frozen dinners. She made roasted chicken and it was really good. She has on a couple of occasions taken it upon herself to do some laundry and as much as I sternly remind her of areas that need a little work I also remind her that she is a wonderful young lady. I think some of what I’m saying might been sinking in…just a little bit. Only time will tell but I’ve been impressed with how they have all dealt with the crazy schedules and non existent routine this summer. It looks like a promising start to the year. I just wish Mindy were here to see what a wonderful little personalities our kids are growing into.

Quit trying to define me!

Last night was another session at The WARM Place and I was so rushed to get everything done and get there on time (a big thanks to Aunt Jen again for helping!) that I didn’t really put much thought to what the night might entail. We all got there a little early which was great so the kids had a chance play and relax before we headed in had our pot luck dinner. This week, and last, a few new families joined our group; it’s nice to not be the latest addition anymore.

As the evening progressed the conversation was started by reading fortune cookie sized pieces of paper with certain emotions listed on them; I know it seems a bit corny but for a room full of grieving spouses it’s a great way to get things moving and since the crowd is made up of people with losses that are still fresh and just a few months from the event as well as those a few years removed from their day we get some really good perspectives on various common problems like insomnia, children’s anxiety, etc.

When it came to me I just started venting about the elementary school and all that I posted about before. I honestly expected to hear something along the lines of “Well, what did you expect? They were late like 35-40 times.” Instead I inadvertently started a group wide vent on how public schools just don’t understand what kids go through after losing a parent or sibling. And it seems that school tardiness is much like sleepless nights and other common widow/widower issues; it just comes with the territory. The other common thread is that public schools are just not equipped to deal with kids in these situations. I’m sure there are some that are, and have wonderful programs that help kids but from my experience and what was shared last night the majority definitely are not.

I already have a meeting with the school principal to follow up on our terrible conversation and I had already planned to educate her on who the real parent is and it’s not her or the school. But I must say that after last night I feel so much better about making my case. I want the school to understand what my kids are going through and have some consideration, but I’m not asking for special treatment. I don’t expect them to place them in some category of “special kids” but I do expect them to understand that at no point ever should you harass a child for the actions of the parent. There can be exceptions to the rules, especially if the rules are inadequate and need to be modified.

I guess my contempt for this school administrator is because she tried to identify with me when she had no idea what it’s been like for me. Then told me that the school was trying to be “merciful” with us; as if they are some overseeing power that governs my life. She put a label on me based on her own narrow minded views and expected me to fit her perception. I don’t want her to define me or my children and then expect us to fill, or squeeze into, her definition. I want her to keep my children safe when I’m not there and have the teachers teach them the curriculum without putting in any bias. I am a widower father of three very intelligent children but I will never fit her myopic vision of what that means!

My life still floats by in a fog, my days run into one another and blur together. My nights are long and lonely.

This is grief.

This is my journey through it.

This is not who I am.

This is me screaming!

Today started off normal enough. The alarm woke me from by brief sleep at about 6:50a so I got up and laid out the kids clothes. They got dressed while I rummaged through their school bags to sign forms and get caught up on how well they are doing. I rushed them to school and we pulled up right at 8:00a…late again.

As I headed in for work I smell something burning and see smoke from the front of my car… just what I needed. The belt is busted so I turn back and head for home hoping to make it before the battery gives since the alternator is no longer running. I make it home and the downhill slide begins. My truck is in the garage with a bad battery, the van has a leak and overheats, and now the car needs a new belt. The upside is that it’s nice out so I can take the Harley to work but it’s supposed to rain tomorrow.

As I’m getting ready to leave, the second time, I get a phone call from my little one’s school principal. She’s decided they have been tardy too many times and that school starts at 7:45a, not 8a as posted everywhere and commonly known. So I tell her politely that I’m trying but 12 – 14hrs of sleep a week is tough and I haven’t found a good schedule that works. She tells me she understands and proceeds to let me know that the children will be disciplined.

OKAY…WAIT!

I concede that I’m horrible about getting them to school on time, not to mention she thinks school starts 15 minutes earlier than is noted on any documentation I’ve seen, but to tell me that you are going to punish my children for actions they are in no way accountable for is crossing a line with me. I’d like to say I gave her the what for at this point…but for some reason I could hardly understand what I was saying on the phone through all the crying which quickly ended as she tried to talk over me. We both got louder and louder as I explained that I understand and appreciate her position on the matter but that she will not discipline my children for events out of their control. We bounced the point back and forth; she apparently doesn’t know what “I UNDERSTAND” means. She tried to tell me that she understands my “situation” and has had an experience in her family. Because the conversation was already deteriorating  didn’t say it out loud but I wanted to ask “Why would you patronize me by telling me you or someone you know lost a spouse like I have?”

Really, your spouse had bipolar disorder and your marriage was a roller coaster?

You too feel guilty cause you remember the days when you didn’t want them around but would now give anything to have them back?

You are stressed to the max at trying to manage your new life in the timeframe of the world that says you should be okay by now while trying not to blow up at every little stupid thing that is said to you?!?!?

At the end I just thanked her for her time and we parted. What else was there to do?

There are others out there in my “situation” but I can confidently say this principal, or anyone she knows, is not in that category. By her attitude and response I would be very surprised to be proved wrong on this.

I spent the next half hour or so being angry at everything. I was so pissed that the principal is so obtuse and myopic. I’m mad that Mindy isn’t here to help and I’m frustrated that I have way too many vehicles and they all have problems. I punched at the bed…that didn’t work. I punched at the wall…that didn’t help either.

This is one of the days where I just pray for wisdom and patience…what else is there to do?