When life is passing you by

Yesterday I felt the weight of the world bearing down on my shoulders. I was so tense all day that my neck and shoulders are still sore today and as I drove home from an all day mediation I realized my stress was from my mind being on my youngest babies.My Little Angel, and My Little Man have been secluded from me for nearly a year now. I've jumped through every hoop the opposing side offers and they just keep denying me time with my children. So today I'm reaching out to them, in the hopes they'll read this someday (when they learn to read).

My Little Angel, I thought about how much of a handful you must be for your Mother right now; it's just your age. I saw your cousin this past weekend; she's a handful too. She reminded me of you. I sent you a Valentine's Day present and I'm getting ready to send out your St. Patrick's Day package. I hope you enjoy it. I saw pictures today of me holding you and Cole at his Christening. You gave your Mom such a fit that day. You didn't want your bow in your hair, you wanted to take your shoes off, etc. It was frustrating then, but it's kind of funny and a little endearing to think of it now. I want to give you some words that I hope will help you retain more endearing moments and help you grow until I can see you again. Siblings can be the most wonderful friends in the world, and your worst enemy too. I want you to be a good example to your little brother, be nice to him and help him when you can. I want you to be an example to your older brother's and sister's too. Show them that it doesn't matter what they say or do to you; it only matters how you react to it. Let them know you are only accountable for your actions, the rest is their problem. Above all love them all the time. Love them whether they're mean or nice, because no matter what happens; they love you too.

My Little Man, I am so very, very sorry that I wasn't there again for your surgery. Someone called and said they thought of reporting your issues as a case of Munchausen by Proxy and wanted my opinion. I said I have no idea. I always thought your Mother did all the good she could for you so I couldn't say it was likely. But I have explicitly been banned from your hospital records and that doesn't make sense to me. I hope you understand this is not a terse word against your Mother, only my frustration at not knowing how to help you. You and your sister should never allow anyone to say mean words against your parents, not even the other parent. I looked all over to find your St. Patrick's Day present; I hope you like it. I'm sure you have a ton of toys and clothes but I wanted to send this to you so you'd know I'm here and thinking of you every spare moment of everyday. I miss you so very much. I want you to be nice to your sister and watch out for her, you have to watch out for all your siblings and they should watch out for you. Maybe someday very soon I'll get to hold you and your sister again. Until then, be every bit the wonder little boy you've always been and now that I love you.

For you both; remember that no matter what happens I am always here for you!

I love you yesterday, today, and forever!
Love,
Dad

The world sees a young woman...I still see my eldest little girl

To my oldest, you're no longer a teenager. For a month now you've been a young woman facing a new part of your life. Now that the court sees you as an adult, and out of the scope of all this nonsense I'll be sending you more packages like the one last week. I want you to feel comfortable when/if you decide to reach out and know that I'll be here. My first instinct is to come to see you, but people wiser than me have said that isn't a great idea considering all that's happened. That its better to let you come to me in your own time. I'll admit, that is really hard for me; but with some convincing it seems that it really is the best way to help you feel safe reaching out.

I know you have felt abandoned by your bio dad, and your mother left us all way too soon. Some people would like you to believe I have left you too, but I haven't. I won't. Since the day you hopped across the floor in front of me at two years old belting out "ribbit, ribbit"...I've been there. I'm still here, I never left. I want you to know I've seen your work on the art site you post to. Specifically the one about 'Daddy daughter time'. I can see the pain you express in your work and as brilliant of an artist as you are it hurts to see it. I do love you; I've always loved you. I have no idea what you are feeling, what you are thinking, what you have been told. Considering all that I think it would be best for me to focus on us seeing each other some day, and we can talk about the past then. For now just know I'm here. If you want to throw rocks at me, scream at me, punch me, hug me, talk to me...whatever. I'm here. If you just want to get my attention so I'll know that you're ignoring me...I'm here.

I hope you've picked out a good college; you only have a few months of high school left and I know you procrastinate. Your mother and I always hoped you would go away to college. Mostly because we both tried to stay close to home and it didn't work out for us. It may just be a "grass is greener" type situation but we felt you would learn more about yourself getting away from these familiar surroundings, especially at this time in your life. When I was sitting across the table from you as you ate vienna sausages and goldfish crackers, your feet no where close to reaching the floor, I never imagined I would be having a one way conversation with you over the 'net about college. When you went to preschool and could already write your name in print and cursive, and read short children's books all by yourself I thought we'd be traveling to campuses all over, together, all of us as a family. You and mom touring the campus while your brothers and sisters and I found all the attractions in a nearby town. Watching your face light up as you see new opportunities at each campus, the wonder and amusement you'd feel starting this next phase of your life. But those where dreams of a different future, from what seems like a different life.

Back then you and I would play board games (Candyland, Hi-Ho Cherry-O, etc.) while your mom would cook dinner in that tiny kitchen we had in our first apartment. Your artwork would cover the fridge, and the floor in your room. Your mom saw the artist in you even then. I hope that is a passion that you pursue, if for no other reason than for sake of the passion. I wonder if you remember that apartment? The first night we were there as Mom and I crawled into bed, you had been asleep for hours. Mom got up and turned on a light and said "She's going to wake up and get scared, she won't know where she's at." I thought she was being overly mothering...until about 3:00 a.m. We woke to find you crying in the Den, scared because you didn't know where you were or where to find us. I feel that way now. I don't know where we are in our relationship or how to get back to you...it's been so long since we've spoken a word to each other. Since July 25, 2011 the evening before you were taken from me. So here I am in a strange place, in the dark, crying out to you. Crying out that I love you and no matter how old you are, how "grown" you get, you will always be my little girl and I'll always be here for you.

I love you; yesterday, today, and forever!
Dad

Starting a new conversation

As I prepare yet again to go back into the court room and plead my case to have my stolen children returned to me; I'm dumbfounded at the control a Judge has over your life after giving you 30 minutes in a hearing to cram in as many details as possible. Before all this happened to me I was of the mindset that if you didn't do anything wrong...you have nothing to fear. Well, that is a complete misrepresentation.

As it's happened to me, if you haven't done anything wrong the opposing party will make up the wrongs for you. They will be caught in their own lies yet still be found credible, and you can forget having them charged with perjury. It's a laughable notion; more than one attorney has chuckled while telling me that no one in this county gets tried for perjury. Really...then why take an oath at all? I'm seriously debating the idea of posting all my legal documentation someplace on the web. I don't know what good it would do, I doubt it's even a good idea, but part of me just wants some acknowledgment that this process is completely insane! The Amicus attorney in my case told me as we headed into court one afternoon, "If justice happens at the courthouse it's completely by mistake"; or something very similar.

I am part of a pretty amazing group that gets together to learn how to deal with their co-parents; my case is a little different but the asinine details are pretty much the same. One thing became very clear to me tonight during our group; the system isn't designed for justice or even for the best interest of the children involved. Instead it just wears on you...and no one wins. The court awards more concessions to the one who refuses to quit, but both parties lose. The kids lose. Society as a whole, in the long run, looses.

My Teen is no longer a teenager. She has recently celebrated her 18th birthday and is a young woman of her own now. I doubt she knows the plans I had in store for that milestone in her life. I doubt she realizes much of anything I wanted for her anymore. Until her birthday I was restricted from contacting her. I guess the opposing party was afraid she might want to come back home. In any event, I have missed out on her big day. I haven't been able to help her pick out her potential colleges. I wasn't there to take her to get her driver's license.

Sugarbear is almost a teenager now...just a few short months away. I wish there was some way I could whisper in his ear every night just to let him know that I love him and that I think of him constantly. I wonder what amazing things he's doing at school. What does he do for fun these days? What are his favorite sports; things I took for granted when he was with me each day. I want to be there for all his accomplishments, and to be a support in his shortcomings. I want him to learn from failure, and grow to be a great man of character much like he always was as a young child.

My princess looks more and more like her mother each time I catch a look at her. The latest picture of her she is smiling just like Mindy. I miss her bubbly personality and unexpectedly large vocabulary. She always used the biggest of words so accurately. I wonder how much like her mother is she becoming? Does she remember her mother's traits and behaviors? What questions does she have that I could answer?

My Little Angel, my youngest daughter is just three years old. I was with her each day even after my older three were stolen away, until her mother decided to betray me as well. Not that I'm perfect, our relationship was doomed. But it's one thing to have a failed relationship...it's something completely different to alienate a Father from his children and file for termination. My Little Angel has always been a little performer. She loved to dance and sing; just be the center of attention. I would love to watch her dance around right now, just to hear her call out to me again...

Then the baby of them all, my Little Man. He is an old soul in an infants body. I miss his deep guttural laugh and all knowing smile. He has had two serious surgeries in the past year; both of which I found out about after the fact. I'm not sure how he's doing, request for pictures have been ignored...it's as if they think I'll just go away at some point. I just want to hold and comfort my boy. I want him to know that my arms are still a safe place for him to fall asleep. I need to smell his baby skin as I rock him and soothe him.

I miss them all dearly and I'm so close to being reunited with them, but it hasn't happened yet. With the way things have been going I am reluctant to get my hopes up. But I hope the court accidentally does something for their good, such as follow the recommendation of the counselors involved. Review the outlandish allegations and the stark absence of any evidence. Moreover, the perjury that's been committed by the opposing side in both the remarkable and seemingly insignificant points made over the past several years.

For all my children...at some point if you find this, just know; I may loose in court. I may be ordered to do things I don't want to do just to appease some unknown man in a suit making rules for your life. But above it all I never gave up. I will fight for you until you are home with me, or I'm home with God; whichever comes first. They can take all my money (they're doing a good job of that), all my power (seems I have none left), but they can't stop me from fighting for you. They won't stop me from loving you, and they'll never take away what we are...family.

I commit to writing something for each of you here, sometimes all together. Sometimes to each of you specifically. But I want you to know I'm searching for ways to communicate with you, to let you know I'm still here for you when the court says we can't have any contact. I wish I had started this sooner, but make no mistake my thoughts for you are not new or reappearing...I'm just finding a new way to reach out what I've been thinking and dreaming about every minute of everyday since you were taken from me.

I love you yesterday, today, and forever.
Dad

Single Parent should be an oxymoron

sin·gle par·ent (noun) Definition: Somebody who raises child alone: a parent who brings up a child or children alone, usually because he or she is unmarried, widowed, or divorced.

I never wanted to be a single parent. I had thought how awful it would be as a single parent when Mindy and I were going through rough patches. All my thoughts then focused on only being able to see my children on designated days, effectively letting the courts control my family life. The life I live now wasn’t the picture I had painted in my head during those times either; in many ways it’s worse.

In a conversation with my Teen one night I asked her about her mother. She said she thinks about her a lot. She misses her. These were the most forthright and honest answers she’s given me in a long while. She said “I wonder if it would be different with her here?”. That one I can handle; yes it would be. It most definitely would be. Maybe it’s because I’m still relatively new to all of this, or that I’m just not ready, but being a single parent is very hard. I’m out numbered to start with and then toss in that Mindy was a stay at home mom…I’ve got a long way to go.

I also find that I’m a little paranoid now that I’m the one solely responsible. Every little change in their behavior sounds an alarm in my head. My Teen loves to spend time alone. Sometimes reading or drawing but just off by herself in her room. Lately she’s been clinging to me a lot more. This week I’ve had an especially rough time. I’ve had to work quite a bit, some straight through the night and into the next day. I went to bed early Tuesday night, exhausted from being up for 40+ hrs. I fell asleep fast and hard at about 8:30p and it was just me in my big lonely bed. I awoke at about 3:15a to find little princess’ crying and my Sugarbear snoring to my left. I rolled over to find a set of elbows from my Teen near my head to the right. I was surrounded! My Princess woke up and couldn’t find her blanket, therefore a full on disaster plan was initiated to wake Dad and find said blanket; which was located under her pillow. I ended up with all three of them crowding me in what previously seemed like a big bed.

The next night I was still exhausted having not really gotten much rest and still putting out fires at work (figuratively). I sent the kids to bed a little earlier hoping I could catch a few more Z’s after I finished working and before the sun jumped back over the horizon. My Teen showed up again wanting to crash in my room. She never does this, not unless she’s sick. So I prodded her a bit about how she felt and why her room wasn’t making the grade, but as with everything else I ask her there was no real answer. She fell asleep in a matter of minutes while I worked. The clacking of the keyboard and the glow of my laptop didn’t seem to bother her at all. Here is where the paranoia set in. If she’s not sick, and this is not her usual behavior then what’s going on with her? Maybe nothing, maybe she just needs to feel extra protected; only time will tell. I wish Mindy was here to handle this stuff; single parenting is no walk in the park. The little ones do this all the time, mostly because they don’t want to go to bed, but not my Teen.

I don’t get much sleep anymore anyway; but with all the “All Nighter” for work in addition to my regular schedule, and the kids waking me up it’s really catching up with me. My house is a disaster, we’ve eaten out all week, and I feel like the kids aren’t getting the attention they need. This time of year doesn’t make it any easier. Things are not going to slow down any for a couple of months at least. There are birthdays, holidays, extracurricular events all right around the corner. So the definition may state that a single parent is a noun, a title bestowed upon someone, but I believe it should be an oxymoron. Maybe the lack of sleep is just making me into a moron?!?

Conversations in the car

We had another group night at the WARM Place last Thursday night and for the most part everything went normally. On the way across the parking lot to the car my little Princess said she missed “…Momma’s driving.”. Really? How do you miss someone’s driving, I thought. Then quickly as we drove away all three of them started chatting over one another and they all honed in on the same story…coincidence maybe. They all started to tell me about her taking them to church the Sunday before she died. That morning I was at a motorcycle safety course and we had debated about whether she would take the kids to church or not. She didn’t want to go…I felt that they should. When I left for my class that morning I understood that they weren’t going.

At some point after I left she decided that they would go to church and thus spawns the story my children talked over each other to tell me. It seems (and this is so very much like Mindy) that she missed her exit off the highway, twice, and then got lost going to church…where she had been many, many times before. With her lack of direction she reportedly ran over a curb, twice, and almost took out a traffic sign. But since Mindy always left early for everything even after getting lost and driving around for a while they still ended up at the church on time.

I wish I had some way of recording these conversations when the kids spontaneously remember things that happened about their mother. The best I have is to jot it down after the fact, or some times to put it here as a post. But the joy that came across their faces as they took turns adding to the story, reminding each other how the morning drive played out, was priceless. Mindy and I were not big on taking home videos, we have the birth of the kids and a few scattered videos here and there, but we aren’t in many of them. It’s mostly the kids in the videos. I wish I had more video with her voice, her smile, her personality to show to them as they get older but there are only a few. It was nice to hear them tell such vivid details about that drive to church as if it were on a video they had just watched. They remembered it so clearly.

These drives home from the WARM Place seem to make for more of these conversations than most any other time, but they spring up all the time. I hurts to miss her. It really hurts to know that the kids miss her, but it’s relieving to know that they still find joy in our ‘life of before’. It makes the heartbreak tolerable, if only for a moment, to know that she had a profound impact on the lives of each of my little kiddos in the short time they spent with her. My Princess had recently turned 5 years old when we lost Mindy, but she can still tell me little details about how she looked, things she said, faces she would make. The Teen remembers more than she tells, but I see her mother in her more and more each day. She is growing into such a thoughtful young woman (sometimes, then she’s still a selfish teenager too!) and surprises me more and more lately with how mature she can be. We could’ve been so happy together for so much longer, all five of us. I just imagine that Mindy is eavesdropping and smiling…not at the content, but of the context. She certainly wouldn’t find this little story funny, but we sure did.

Promotion to grades 1, 2, and 8.

In the past two weeks a lot has been going on at our house. The kids have been in full swing with their extracurricular activities and we went back to school shopping; I do not like shopping. Then last week the 2009-10 school year began. It’s been really nice having the kids home with me every evening again instead of the hit and miss each week we tried out during the summer. We won’t be doing that again next summer; at least not to that drastic of an extent. It was too hard for me. I felt like a divorcee Dad who only gets to see his kids on particular weekends and various holidays.

Dealing with grief is nothing like I imagined before August 6, 2008. It’s not something that you get over. It’s not something that just passes by. It’s an event that happens, like your own personal Pearl Harbor or 9/11. It redefines your life and, much like these National tragedies, it takes a while to recoup and reorganize into something that resembles a normal life. I do mean resembles as it’s only the outward perception that you display that ever resembles anything normal. Losing Mindy has given me new perspectives on relationships, marital and otherwise. Her effect on my life in the short decade we had together has forever changed me, and for the better. I think I’m a more attentive father compared to my ‘life of before’. Sometimes this attentiveness appears as over protection when it comes to my children, but so be it. As far as I’m concerned my children have endured enough to last well into adulthood, if not all of their lives. I’m certain they will have more pain as they grow we all do, but if life were fair they could skip over the rest of it and just enjoy the everyday miracles in life. I spent my 31st birthday ‘back to school’ shopping with my kids (because the middle school students don’t get supply list until after school starts and everything is sold out!) thinking how much fun Mindy had picking them out backpacks and pencil boxes.

The week school started my Princess got her first pair of glasses. Now she doesn’t squint to read and watch television. She’s a little behind in her reading because she had such a difficult time seeing, but she’s a brilliant little girl so we’ll more than make up for it very quickly. She loves her new glasses. She picked out some High School Musical themed frames and couldn’t wait to show them off at school. I’m glad she’s excited about it, I don’t know if I would’ve had the energy to fight her over it like my parents had to with me when I was young.

At the end of the previous school year I sent off several letters to various school administrators and did not get a reply back from any of them. I at least expected an acknowledgement of the letter, but there was nothing. So this year I expected to again have issues and I was pleasantly surprised that I have had none so far. They put my Princess in class with Sugarbear’s teacher from last year as I requested (Yeah Mrs. H!). My Teen got an acceptable schedule, which was turned in late by me instead of on time by her, with the majority of the classes she wanted. I assume by compliance of those two requests that the other letters were at least read by someone in the school district. It looks to be a promising year even though I’ve heard horror stories already from other parents in our district. To be fair I must say that I’ve only had an issue with one teacher at the middle school level. The other teachers have been great for my kids, it’s the administration that frays the last remaining threads of my sanity. It’s pretty apparent that I’m not the only parent with that experience in this district.

My Teen has shown some remarkable growth in the past few months. She even made dinner one night last week without any prompting from me, and it wasn’t just spaghetti or some frozen dinners. She made roasted chicken and it was really good. She has on a couple of occasions taken it upon herself to do some laundry and as much as I sternly remind her of areas that need a little work I also remind her that she is a wonderful young lady. I think some of what I’m saying might been sinking in…just a little bit. Only time will tell but I’ve been impressed with how they have all dealt with the crazy schedules and non existent routine this summer. It looks like a promising start to the year. I just wish Mindy were here to see what a wonderful little personalities our kids are growing into.

Happy birthday, my love

Yesterday was a bit hectic but I managed to squeeze in the things that I think are important. Yesterday Mindy would have been 35 years old. I would have been giving her a hard time I’m sure. She like to tease me early on about how much younger I was than her (only 4 years) and I told her then it would come back around to her. As we got older, the 4 years seemed less and less of a gap. But as I’ve mentioned before,  it was always a good tease in August as our birthdays are two weeks apart; hers before mine.

One night a few weeks ago I locked myself out of my house; there’s a whole story to that but I mention it only to say that I eventually broke out a window in our dining room to get back in. Yesterday morning the glass repair man came with my new window and the kids were entertained for about 45 minutes while they watched him replace the panes. Once he was done I checked the first thing off our list of ‘To Do’s’ for the day. We ran a few errands and got back home for lunch and I started baking Mindy’s birthday cake. It was a pathetic…very home made cake but it tasted good.

Last year Aunt Jen brought us the cake and we all sang “Happy Birthday” around the table. I thought it was simple and memorable; just the kind of thing I could repeat year after year to help the kids remember her. Mindy didn’t like many cakes, especially chocolate. Last year we had a red velvet cake with cream cheese icing so to keep things simple we did so again. When I was done preparing the cake I got all the kids to reluctantly sing “Happy Birthday” with me. This year feels much different from last but, to me, the important thing is that we have a repeatable way to acknowledge it all. Something the kids will come to expect.

We all went out to the grave site and I asked the kids if they wanted to go with me to her stone. None of them cared to go so they happily sat in the car with the cold A/C blowing and the radio on while I took a few minutes to spend with her. I’ve been out to see Mindy at least once a month for the past year; mostly by myself. This time was different. I can’t really explain why it was different; it just felt more empty. I didn’t get the release I had before after spending a little time there. Maybe it was because we were rushing through the day. Whatever the reason it definitely felt different. I hopped back in the car and we were off to Mindy’s parent’s house.

My sisters in law were there and the kids got to play more with their cousins. I wish I had more time to really visit but this week has been a mad dash from one place to another and my head has been spinning. I wish there were a few more hours in the day to get all our stuff done. We spent a few hours with them and then it was a dash back to the other side of town. So far this week my plans to ease the kids back into a schedule more convenient for the upcoming school year isn’t working. But we made time for family, and we continued to remember Mindy. That was the important part.

Lazy but not illiterate

So maybe I jumped the gun a little about the State.  Not that they weren’t completely incompetent in deciphering the information that they, themselves, requested I send in but it ended up not being such an ordeal to straighten out. It took less than 20 phone calls (still annoying, but I’ve met with worse.) to get it all in order.

The agent at the State Heath Services department NEVER answered her phone if I called directly. But if I “chose the wrong option” in the automated system and then asked to be transferred she amazingly picked up every time. I had to also consult my attorney that handled the adoption as well as the Social Security Administration to make sure all the ducks were in a row before nudging the State to do the right thing. All in all it’s a closed issue.

I hope.

The new birth certificate should be sent out next week so I will hopefully have ample time to get the school district’s paperwork in order. The new birth certificate will list my name only and I’m disappointed that it worked out that way.  But according to my attorney the other option was to file another lawsuit and I wasn’t about to reach for Pandora’s box. Although now it will be obvious to the casual observer that the birth certificate has been amended in some fashion.

I think in light of this I may just go ahead and get the Teen a passport to, in many cases, avoid using the birth certificate. Besides when I returned from Panama last April, before Mindy passed, I told her it would be nice to take her and the kids there. I made her a video while I was there and I’m not sure if I ever got around to showing it to her. Maybe the kids and I can revisit Panama to make a new video and get a new stamp in the passport.

So catastrophe has been avoided and I can go back to getting anxious about next week.

Can’t you read?

I was under the impression that since the adoption was complete that I was in the clear. I was wrong. It appears that the great State of Texas requires that you send in paperwork to which they have no intention of reading. Such is the case with my Order Granting Adoption. I need these documents in order to properly enroll her in school. I sent in the order, along with the Certificate of Adoption and the required fee as requested by the State only to receive a letter in return that my request could not be completed because the child’s mother did not join in the petition.

The agent handling my request at the State office got  a concise email and several voicemails to inform her that had she bothered to read the documents I sent in it is clearly stated that the child’s mother is not included as a petitioner because she is deceased!! To this point all attempts to contact the agent to ask her to actually read the paperwork I was requested to send in have met with no response.

So to quickly recap; I sent in the documents and the fee. The State waited three weeks to cash my check for the fees and waited an additional month to notify me they couldn’t complete my request. All attempts at contact have been fruitless and school starts in three weeks. I can only envision the mess I’ll have trying to straighten this all out with the State, then the school, and then the Social Security office. I just have no patience for this sort of laziness.

My Gold Medalist

My Sugarbear had his gymnastics evaluation yesterday evening and as expected he aced it! They ran him through the rings, balance bars, parallel bars, and more. He gets to move up to the “Silver Level” class for next year. He loves gymnastics and he’s getting to be very flexible. He makes it look so easy and fun, so Princess decided she wanted in on that too. We got her all signed up to take a class at the same time each week as her big brother.

My very smart and talented gymnast gets overlooked, not out of intention but of application. He’s the middle of three children, and my only son. His older sister has entered the teen years and requires keen guidance. His younger sister is the baby girl and still wants to be held and helped. He is my little rock; he manages so much on his own. He likes to work things out on his own and be acknowledged for what he alone has done. He’s a thinker and will one day solve great problems, I’m sure. I’m so proud of him. His mother would be so proud of him. We’re looking forward to another year of  accomplishments. Congratulations son!

Road Trip!!

The kids have been off having a blast while I work for the past couple of weeks. This weekend, in an attempt to “catch up” with them we took a short day trip to Dr. Pepper, TX (aka Dublin, TX). The kids had no idea of what to expect, I didn’t tell them much about our trip outside of the fact that we were going to Dublin. So in the car I got the usual “how far away are we?” and “are we here yet?” audibles about ever 10 minutes.

We enjoyed all the themed treats we could indulge in when we got there. We of course had a REAL Dr. Pepper along with other treats like Dr. Pepper marinated beef jerky, Dr. Pepper fudge, and we couldn’t leave without having a Dr. Pepper float. We took the tour of the specialized bottling plant and grabbed a few souvenirs before heading back home. All the kids had a blast; even one certain Teen who pretended to be bored out of her mind.

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There are only a few weeks left of summer, even fewer that are available for a short trip, but we’re going to have at least two more little excursions before school starts up again. Maybe it will distract them enough to not totally immerse themselves in what happened at the end of last summer. Just a distraction, not a delusion.

We still have loose ends

After Mindy passed, nearly a year ago, I began to get a lot of paperwork in order that we should have done well before anything happened. I had my will drawn up, a trust created, got all my insurance in order, and took care of the adoption that Mindy and I had been talking about for some time. We put many of these things off because who really expects to die at 33? Is it realistic to prepare to be a widower at 30? Obviously, YES!

When the adoption was complete, my very awesome attorney told me that since I had just deposited additional money into my retainer that I should have some money coming back. I too expected this as I had put in a couple of thousand just the week before. Fast forward 10 weeks and I get the final invoice in the mail. Amazingly there is no refund. Not only that, but I was about $650 short. She graciously adjusted off the remaining balance so that in effect I broke even. I would highly recommend her for any family law concerns you have in Tarrant County, but I should’ve expected that given enough time…the refund would disappear. Even without the refund I ended up not spending quite $10k on the whole process; which I understand is about the norm. So I guess I still came off on the better side of it all. It sure would’ve been nice to have a little change back though. I’ve filed for the updated birth certificate, which I have yet to receive, and will get the Social Security information updated if the new birth certificate ever shows up. All of that is out of my hands for now while we wait on the great State of Texas to get everything in order.

For a good while there I was actually dealing with 5 separate attorneys at the same time, keeping each of my little issues compartmentalized. I’m down to just 1 now, the counselor who is filing my trust and final will. He’s been working on this for several months and keeps promising me documents…to which I have none. I have paid him all but the last few hundred dollars and I’m visiting him today. He should have the paper work ready…if not I’ll be a few hundred dollars better for a while longer. Again with the attorneys and money, I guess all the jokes and stereotypes aren’t too far off.

At least my insurance is all cared for and there was no hassle in setting it up at all. Too bad my finance guy who did my insurance can’t take care of the other stuff too!

So here we sit, quickly approaching a year since our lives changed forever, still dealing with the aftermath. I know that to some degree we always will be, but it would be nice to have these things checked off the list. I have this idea that if I get all these things checked off that my life might slow down to something resembling the pace I had in my life of before, but I know in reality it never will. I know this is my new life…I just haven’t fully accepted it yet.

Cooling off

Yesterday morning, as most any, I checked the weather before heading out for work. The nice weatherman said it would be sunny and hot all day; a typical TX summer day. I wrap up my morning routine and leave for work on the Harley, but I didn’t get 5 miles from the house when it started pouring rain. Not, this is annoying cause I’m on a bike and I’m wet rain. No. This is cars pulling off the road cause they can’t see rain! The rain drops were like little darts of ice poking at me, and the overpass I huddled under seemed so far away when the surprise downpour started. It was a very brief, very cold rain. Only about a quarter mile of the highway was even wet, but I was soaked.

Really, really soaked. Squishy socks inside my shoes soaked.

Luckily the rest of the ride in was dry, and at 60+ MPH you dry out in just a few minutes. It makes that memorable part of my morning bearable. The real highlight of the day was going out to see my little monkeys at my Mom’s. It wasn’t anything too exciting but having them gone all week is really getting to me so I had to make the drive out to see them. Princess and Sugarbear both asked if they could come home with me and I would’ve loved to have them with me. But aside from the whole full time job thing, I rode my Harley out there and there just wasn’t enough room. They will be gone again next week…all week; again. We have a little weekend trip planned that is coming up soon and I’m really looking forward to having them all in the car for a few hours. Road trips are great for catching up with your kiddos!

Without the kids on the weeknights, it’s been pretty uneventful. I’ve watched a lot of carefully selected movies (re: mindless comedies that hopefully won’t trigger grief) and spent some time with my Dad. Mindy has crossed my mind several times each and everyday, but there hasn’t been any “moments” that I have to deal with. So far all the thoughts I’ve had of our time together have been wonderful, smile inducing memories. Such as the time we took the kids to the State Fair a few years back; Mindy walked my Teen (then only about 8 years old) through the petting zoo. Sugarbear and Princess were in the double stroller and somehow Sugarbear got his little toddler hands on the goat food…which was then toddler food. Gross, but funny. I don’t remember why I was waiting on them outside the tent but I missed all the real action. The expressions on Mindy’s face as she told me…priceless. I was probably buying drinks or something as it’s always hot at the State Fair.

I’ll try really hard to stay off my soapbox here, but it’s nice to have a little break from all the little daily reminders that she’s gone…for the rest of my life. And in this world of misplaced adoration, and people “grieving” for celebrities they’ve never met (Sad…ok, but grieving…they don’t have a clue). I’m glad my kids have a real understanding of the importance of life, the gravity of death, and what it means to really grieve. Even thought the trip is unwelcome and unwanted we will be better at it’s end for having taken it. Better than we would’ve been if we tried to ignore it or deal with this as most of the world would have us “work through” this.

I’m just glad I have highlights to any given day. I’m thankful that even though I miss them terribly my kids are well cared for while I’m off at work. I’m blessed to have such wonderful memories of a wonderful life with a wonderful partner. I just hope I can get these memories all written down to share with my kids before time washes them away. As much as I want to stay dry on my bike, it was nice to cool off from this Texas heat.

Life…a year ago today

I had to look at the calendar to see what I was doing one year ago today. As I read through the entries all the events were vaguely familiar; but I would never have remembered them on my own. The week following July 4th one year ago the kids went to spend a week with my Mom. Ironically, that’s where they are this week. It’s not an annual tradition plans just worked out that way. I was coming home from work each night to Mindy; it seemed such a simple thing then. I took for granted that when I opened that door she’d be on the other side. That week she was calling me constantly…she missed the kids and she got very anxious. She knew she couldn’t call to my Mom’s fifty times a day so she called to talked with the kids, and then called me all day to tell me that she missed them. I wish I could call her to tell her how much I miss her.

I miss the kids too. They’ve been bouncing around between family members this summer and I feel like I’m not getting to see them enough. But I know this way is better for them than having them in a day care while I’m at work. I try to stay busy after work to make the week go by quicker but I’m running out of motivation. I don’t know if it’s because I’m trying so hard not to think of the fact that I’m one month away from the anniversary of the end of my life of before, or if I’m just getting worn out from the hectic summer schedule of shuffling the little monkeys from house to house and trying to cram in some time with them in between. Realistically, it’s probably both.

This time last year Mindy and I were coming off a bad month. In May she found her way into trouble again and the month of June was tense as we waited to see what the fallout would be, so we argued. Her doctors were attempting to regulate her meds and they kept adjusting them up and down and I’m sure that didn’t make it any easier for her. The higher the dose was, the easier it was for her to function “normally”. But the side effects increased and became intolerable. The doctors were trying to find that middle ground of tolerable side effects and beneficial regulation. They never made it; they ran out of time.

The week the kids were back home after visiting my Mom Mindy found a new energy. She was taking the kids out for lunch and straightening up the house and just generally taking good care of things. She and I were getting along better than ever before. I found myself daydreaming about what our future would look like and we’d talk about it at night when the kids went to bed. That hadn’t happened in our marriage in quite a while and it was a very welcome change. I really enjoyed my life in July 2008.

We’ll see what the rest of July 2009 has in store.

My little monkeys are just as brown as can be from the sun. SPF 70 is no match for the countless hours they’ve spent in the pool the last several weeks. The Teen…not so much. She’s spent most of the summer inside on the computer or the phone. Princess and Sugarbear have become pretty good swimmers. Both are swimming underwater which they would never do before. I wish we could find time to head out to the lake. I would love to get my Teen and Sugarbear on water skis. I’m just so thankful I have good kids. I couldn’t imagine doing all this and having to fight through behavioral problems or something along those lines. Now if I can just keep all the adults they interact with from pulling them in too many different directions I’ll be set. But that’s fodder for another post all together.

I hope everyone out there had a wonderful Independence Day weekend and thanked a soldier or veteran for allowing us to continue to celebrate our independence.

Princess with Sparklers

11 months down; a lifetime to go.

Life…the week of June 22

It’s been a tough week and I’m worn out. At least for now it appears that next week will be a total opposite. Next week should be quiet and relaxing…I hope.

Last Monday I put my Teen on a flight out to see her paternal grandparents to fulfill a promise I made her when the adoption process began. I was weary about sending her out of the state until the adoption was final but she wanted to see her Bio Dad’s family. As part of the final adoption we put in language that any visits to see his family would be with the paternal grandparents, they would be the ones responsible for her care. I sent the flight information to them about a month ahead of time, then confirmed about a week prior. The Teen and I packed bags and headed for her 6:35a flight out to see them and I saw her off at the flight gate. A couple of hours later I got a text message (the only way teens seem to communicate) that she had landed. I was thrilled; I didn’t ask her to call or text me she took it up herself to do so…for her that is huge! About 10 min later I got another text, nobody had shown up to claim her. I started making phone calls while trying to keep her calm and finally got in touch with her grandmother at the office. A few minutes later a call from Bio Dad as he was at the airport with his father. They said they’d been there for a while looking for her (now 30min on the ground with no contact) but hadn’t been able to locate her.First of all SHE HAS HER CELL PHONE! And secondly, this airport has two terminals…yeah TWO! It’s not like they had to search LAX or something to find her!

It’s my opinion that they showed up late and were alerted of my phone calls which in turn prompted their call. After reaching me they found her, and 45min after her plane landed she was on her way. I’ve sent her a few text messages through the week and she seems to be having a good time. I just feel like they go out of their way to make it obvious that they don’t really care. They go through the motions and say the right things, but it’s the little things that speak volumes. The options to take her to dinner while their in town, and they refuse. The prior chances to visit her when not court ordered…not even thought about. Some times it’s hard to not say negative things about them around her, but I know she’s almost old enough to see it all for herself.

Tuesday was a fairly normal day, and Wednesday should have been. The A/C service man came out for the semi-annual tune up on our A/C units. He was only there for a little over an hour and it all seemed well when he left. Thursday was our night at The WARM Place so we didn’t get home until late so we didn’t notice much about the temperature in the house but Friday it was HOT! It turns out that whatever the service man did on Wed during the preventative maintenance has us sitting in the heat now. He’s coming back out, of course, but it could never be soon enough. Even with the larger downstairs unit working the house isn’t cool so we’ve been out to eat and anywhere I can think of that will entertain the kids and keep us cool.

Thursday at The WARM Place the topic of dating was brought up and how to deal with the children’s emotions when a widow/er begins to date. Since this is a topic I’m not ready to discuss (at least publicly) I was pretty quiet, and the fact that I was the only male in the room this week ensured I didn’t say much! It was nice though to hear what these women had been going through and how they’ve dealt with it. I have really started enjoying my time at The WARM Place despite my strong hesitations to going originally. But like any time we go the “triggers” are always there in abundance so it’s always a demanding evening for me.

We’re gearing up for the July 4th weekend and the kids are looking forward to seeing their cousins. We want to get out to Nonnie June’s and over to Mindy’s parent’s for a little bit, but it’s looking more and more like we’ll have to choose just one. Either way we’ll have plenty of fireworks and fun. I hope your Independence Day we’ll be as fun as our should be; and I hope we can all stay cool in this summer heat!

Princess Ballerina

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The video may be a bit long for some, but I couldn't help it. I'm so proud of my little princess. This was taken last week at her recital and I wish I could make her smile that big everyday! A huge "THANK YOU!!" to Aunt Jen for helping out with hair, make up, costume changes, etc. She took the best pictures too. I'll try to post a few a little later.

You were brilliant little Princess. What a graceful little dancer! I absolutely love watching you dance. You remind me of your mother more and more every day.

Father's Day

In 2001 I was working third shift in a call center for TXU. One warm spring morning Mindy woke me up around 9:30am; I had just fallen asleep after working a double. She crouched down next to the bed and said "Honey, your going to be a Daddy." I opened my eyes and tried to mutter some response but I was exhausted. She let me fall back to sleep and we celebrated later that afternoon. I'll never, ever forget that groggy morning when I found out she was pregnant with Sugarbear. Father's Day with my Teen had always been a special day, even before that morning. The adoption spurred feelings similar to that morning when we finalized that whole ordeal. But it's something special to know that you brought a life into this world!

Father's Day is one of my favorite holidays and Mindy always made it a big deal (as I tried to do on Mother's Day). I have numerous T-Shirts from the kids that have "Daddy platitudes" on them that I usually wear all through June. Last year the Friday before Father's Day I bought the kids got me a motorcycle for Father's Day and I had pictured Mindy and I cruising around on it all over the place. As it turns out she only rode with me twice.

This year the day was still special, and thank you Chick-fil-a for the "Father's Day Chocolate Shake"! I think I have the greatest kids in the world and they have been so strong for each other as well as me. Even when the Teen rolls her eyes while I enjoy my free shake. But it's just never the same without my strongest supporter in my corner. This is another "first". The first Father's Day as a single dad of half orphaned children. And it's tough thinking about how great it is to be a dad when the woman who brought all three of my wonderful children into this world is no longer apart of it.

I can't help but think that my words sound like a broken record...

I miss her, she's gone.

I miss her, she's gone.

But it's odd that it's the same description but it's not the same feeling. It's the same symptoms (your throat gets tight, your eyes water, your stomach knots itself up, etc.) But emotionally it's not the same; each one of these "firsts" are a little different from the last. This one wasn't preceded by the usual anxiety of a coming holiday without her. This time the bottom fell out when I went through my Teen's bag as she packed for a trip to see her paternal grandparents. As per usual teenage logic she didn't pack enough clothes or other essentials and just planned on wearing "...whatever". We talked and I explained some things to her and the whole time I'm thinking this is a mother/daughter conversation. I can do this; I will do this. But if Mindy where here I wouldn't be doing this; she would. It makes me so thankful for all my wonderful sisters in-law that help out. It takes a mix of all of us to even begin to fill Mindy's shoes in these kid's lives and that point is what got me tonight.

On August 5, 2008 I loved Mindy more than I did February 11, 2000. Today I miss her more than I did August 6, 2008. We had a successful marriage...I'm confident in saying that now. We talked about divorce a few times; it very nearly became a reality once. But we never went down that road. Someone once told me that it doesn't matter if you think you married the right woman or not. If your married, she's the right woman. After all we went through, and we put each other to the test on occasion, we CHOSE to stay together. Mindy had issues that she couldn't overcome but I was no saint. I pulled my fair share of stupid acts and put her in some tough spots myself. But this Father's Day I'm just thankful for my beautiful kids, and I miss my wife terribly. I wish I could just tell her how much better of a husband I should have been and that she was always the right woman for me. I wish she could appreciate how difficult it is to fill her void in our lives. She often was under appreciated and I just wish she was here to see what I see in retrospect.

I miss her, she's gone.

Dream a little dream

Last night I was thinking of the last post I read from Crash Course Widow, and how I may have lost some focus on this blog. I want it to be a record that my kids can read years from now and understand what we went through the years after we lost our wife and mother. Along the way I’ve used the blog to help myself work through thoughts…to organize the clutter in my head. But I looked back and one of the busiest months was May with the kids having activities going on left and right. Yet I put up only four posts. Not that I have a quota or something, but it just seems like if I’m going to capture what life is really like for us now, I need to capture all of life. I use this as my pseudo anonymous space to vent, but I also use this as a sounding board to capture my memories of my late loving wife. If the kids are really going to relate to any of this I need to include some of what is going on in their lives also…I think.

Today was a nice, and quite full day. I woke up a little earlier than normal with a vivid memory of a very bizarre dream including Mindy. At the end of the dream she’s laying in bed, fully dressed, under the covers. I’m walking down a hallway and see her and jump onto the bed next to her. In the dream we’re not married but we had been (sort of like now, only with her alive) so I give her a quick kiss and she smiles at me. I start to say something and…I wake up. I headed into the kitchen and fixed some breakfast which the kids mostly ignored as we got ready for church. After the church services we had to run to the other side of town to get Princess to an extra dance class before her dress rehearsal tomorrow.

When the dress rehearsal was done we were all little grumpy from all the running around. The last thing I wanted to do was head home and lounge at the house with three grumpy kids. As it worked out I got a text message on the way home to invite us out to the lake. I quickly worked up a list of things we’d need in my head and we ran home to change clothes and grab an ice chest full of drinks. We spent the next several hours with good company in good weather. My sister in law even joined us for a while too! Although she got caught in a little fender bender and probably wishes she could’ve missed out on that.

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Tonight as I sit here pondering life’s direction I can’t help hope that I find my way back into last nights dream. I know it’s just a dream, but it seems like I get another chance to talk to her. To hold her hand and feel her beautiful curly hair brush against my face. It was such a vivid dream, the kind that makes you question your reality and I want to get back. Time doesn’t heal wounds, but a little time dreaming is like getting a local anesthetic. If time does heal wounds, it must be only the small superficial scrapes and bruises. For the real painful ones, the broken hearts and irreplaceable loss, you live with the scar and the pain is always just below the surface. I doubt there is any amount of time in this world that can make this feeling go away.

I look forward to my Princess’ dance recitals and summer nights with the kids cooking out and heading to the lake. Mindy would’ve loved that. It’s passed time for my Teen to learn to water ski and I think the kids have just about talked me into getting a puppy. With all this up and coming there should be plenty of less selfish rants to fill this space.

Can the night get any longer?

The kids have started their summer routine. They are staying with my sister in-law for the week and it’s been a very awkward week. On one hand it’s nice to come home and see that the only mess I find is the one I left that morning. It’s nice to be able to get a few little things done that are more difficult when I’m toting around the children. But on the other hand it’s unsettling to not have them right at my side; to have the house be so quiet. I’ve always known that my children help me immensely in dealing with Mindy’s death, but it is becoming more obvious just how much.

Initially I thought that with the kids out of school and staying across town for a few days that I could get a little more time in the office and get caught up on things. That has yet to work out. The last few nights I’ve ended up an exhausted lump on the bed. Too tired to do anything substantive, and yet not quite able to fall asleep. I thought the nights were long in the preceding months but the when you reach the point where night is now morning you know your in for a long day. When that happens on sequential nights…well it’s been a realy long week.

I knew that if I got up one thing would lead to another and I’d be up all night.; it always works that way. I think I can just do that one load of laundry, or just get the various Wii objects (remotes, games, etc.) back into place. Before I realize it I’m going full steam and the night escapes. But that isn’t the case this week. I’ve laid in bed staring at nothing in particular as my mind raced for hours at a time. Last night I fell asleep near 3a only to wake again at 5a, then again at 6a. Finally I just got up and out of bed to get ready for work. That was one of the better nights of the week.

Initially I thought I did the right thing to quit the anti depressants. I didn’t really notice any positive change. But now I’m wondering if I just coincidentally stumbled onto grief’s easy street for a few weeks. Maybe I was just too busy trying to make it to the Kindergarten graduation, plan a birthday party, and run around my Teen and her friends to notice that things hadn’t really changed. I’m contemplating giving them another try but I’m hesitant.

So here I was again, in the dark, wondering how my life will play out in the following years.

I’ve come to grips that while death is an event, it’s one that changes your whole world. It gives you new perspectives on a lot of life’s twists. It makes me more appreciative of things I once took for granted. It makes things that were significant in my life of before seem petty, and the reciprocal; making insignificant things of that life seem heavy. I have finally settled with the idea that I will never have that life again. I had clung to statements that time could heal, given the right actions and circumstance. Maybe the statement is true, just my definition of heal doesn’t fit.

I always felt that God gave me the gift of endurance. I’ve never been the fastest or most flexible in nearly every sense, but I could always find the steam to keep going. For the first time in these last couple of days I’ve really questioned my ability to keep this up, and not just because of the lack of sleep. Don’t get me wrong; I’m not giving up or admitting failure. It’s just the first time that I can’t fathom at least one scenario of life that seems acceptable.

When I ran my first half marathon I wasn’t sure I could finish. The longest run I had completed prior to the race was 5 miles. As I passed the 6 mile marker in the race I wasn’t any more confident that I could reach the end. It wasn’t until I was about 500 yards from the finish that I entertained the idea of completing that race. I felt like such a champion, I had met my goals. I wanted my wife to see me cross that finish line but she wasn’t there, but that could be another post in itself. She made it up to me though. She showered me with praise the rest of the day and nothing feels as good as a spouse lifting you up.

I think my recent doubt about my life now is that I don’t really have any goals. I want to be the best I can be for my children, I want to be there for them at every milestone in their lives to remind them how much they are loved, and how special they each are. But there is no path to run on, no mile markers to pass, no destination to reach. No spouse to cheer me on. It’s just today; and who knows how many more “todays” I have to complete. Maybe I’m just fighting against living in the past, or maybe I’m fighting against what maybe waiting in tomorrow. Either way it’s a long, long night.

Happy Birthday Princess

My youngest daughter turned 6 years old. She is a carbon copy of her mother in many ways. She has her facial expressions, her smile, her hair, and most endearing to me her creative mind. My little Princess thinks outside the box for sure just like her mother.

While I rush around making arrangements and picking out gifts I am never far from the thought that my little Princess is very much like her mother in so many ways. I just hope that I still have good parenting skills when this little one gets to be not so little. I want her to understand that the world is hers for the taking. Her big heart and generous spirit never cease to amaze me.

I love you baby…Happy Birthday!

Princess, Momma is watching over us and she is so proud of you. She is thrilled at how well you did in kindergarten and that you have become such a big girl. Never forget how much you are loved!