Single Parent should be an oxymoron

sin·gle par·ent (noun) Definition: Somebody who raises child alone: a parent who brings up a child or children alone, usually because he or she is unmarried, widowed, or divorced.

I never wanted to be a single parent. I had thought how awful it would be as a single parent when Mindy and I were going through rough patches. All my thoughts then focused on only being able to see my children on designated days, effectively letting the courts control my family life. The life I live now wasn’t the picture I had painted in my head during those times either; in many ways it’s worse.

In a conversation with my Teen one night I asked her about her mother. She said she thinks about her a lot. She misses her. These were the most forthright and honest answers she’s given me in a long while. She said “I wonder if it would be different with her here?”. That one I can handle; yes it would be. It most definitely would be. Maybe it’s because I’m still relatively new to all of this, or that I’m just not ready, but being a single parent is very hard. I’m out numbered to start with and then toss in that Mindy was a stay at home mom…I’ve got a long way to go.

I also find that I’m a little paranoid now that I’m the one solely responsible. Every little change in their behavior sounds an alarm in my head. My Teen loves to spend time alone. Sometimes reading or drawing but just off by herself in her room. Lately she’s been clinging to me a lot more. This week I’ve had an especially rough time. I’ve had to work quite a bit, some straight through the night and into the next day. I went to bed early Tuesday night, exhausted from being up for 40+ hrs. I fell asleep fast and hard at about 8:30p and it was just me in my big lonely bed. I awoke at about 3:15a to find little princess’ crying and my Sugarbear snoring to my left. I rolled over to find a set of elbows from my Teen near my head to the right. I was surrounded! My Princess woke up and couldn’t find her blanket, therefore a full on disaster plan was initiated to wake Dad and find said blanket; which was located under her pillow. I ended up with all three of them crowding me in what previously seemed like a big bed.

The next night I was still exhausted having not really gotten much rest and still putting out fires at work (figuratively). I sent the kids to bed a little earlier hoping I could catch a few more Z’s after I finished working and before the sun jumped back over the horizon. My Teen showed up again wanting to crash in my room. She never does this, not unless she’s sick. So I prodded her a bit about how she felt and why her room wasn’t making the grade, but as with everything else I ask her there was no real answer. She fell asleep in a matter of minutes while I worked. The clacking of the keyboard and the glow of my laptop didn’t seem to bother her at all. Here is where the paranoia set in. If she’s not sick, and this is not her usual behavior then what’s going on with her? Maybe nothing, maybe she just needs to feel extra protected; only time will tell. I wish Mindy was here to handle this stuff; single parenting is no walk in the park. The little ones do this all the time, mostly because they don’t want to go to bed, but not my Teen.

I don’t get much sleep anymore anyway; but with all the “All Nighter” for work in addition to my regular schedule, and the kids waking me up it’s really catching up with me. My house is a disaster, we’ve eaten out all week, and I feel like the kids aren’t getting the attention they need. This time of year doesn’t make it any easier. Things are not going to slow down any for a couple of months at least. There are birthdays, holidays, extracurricular events all right around the corner. So the definition may state that a single parent is a noun, a title bestowed upon someone, but I believe it should be an oxymoron. Maybe the lack of sleep is just making me into a moron?!?

It's lonely in this crowd

There isn't really a positive way to release anger, that I've found. I feel like I'm barely holding on to any resemblance to a normal life. I'm drowning in homework, projects, fund raisers, etc. since school started back up for the kids. I'm being ignored by my insurance company to make repairs to my home. The biggest thing is I'm tired of coming home to an empty house. I guess that is the new normal, but it's not the normal I want; just the one I'm reluctant, but required, to accept.

The kids are wonderful, but I miss my best friend. I'm tired of watching TV alone; laughing alone at the idiot box. I hate that I have to drive everywhere; there isn't anyone else to run to the store for milk, or take the kids to gymnastics everyonce in a while. I hate going to bed alone; not having anyone to hold. Although, not waking up several times a night to lound, train like snoring isn't horrible. I despise seing couples out enjoying a life like I once had. Really I just despise that I no longer have that life and they are just the reminder.

I want a pause button for life. Everything is racing by so fast and I feel like I barely have time to react or make a decision. There are many people worse off than I am, and I try to be content with where I am. But it's hard to live it everyday in comparison to how it was, or how it should be. I want what I can't have...my old life back. The life that I once thought was so stressful and filled with unecessary burdens.

She was better than me

Two weeks ago, as noted in an earlier post, my roof began leaking in two different rather large areas. I called my insurance company and got the ball rolling. Since then everything has come to a screeching halt. The insurance company sent out their “preferred vendor” the day I made the claim yet I still do not have a written estimate from them. I called five other roofing companies for estimates. Only one company has made it out so far and given me an estimate. I’m sitting here making phone calls, getting the run around, and worrying about the rain that is in the forecast for later this week.

The insurance company hasn’t received any estimates from me or the vendor yet, and is already telling me what they won’t cover….great! I’m trying really hard to be patient because I have a feeling that this is going to be a several week long up hill battle with them, but I really wish Mindy was here to help with all of this. She was so good at cutting through all the crap on things like this and getting stuff done. Partly because she was a stay at home mom and had a little more flexible schedule to work with these people, but mostly because she just didn’t take crap from anyone.

As I was writing this I was interrupted by a phone call from my insurance company. They wanted to know if I was happy with the repairs. WHAT REPAIRS!! Nothing has been done! So I channeled my “Mindy like” assertion towards the poor sap on the other end of the phone. In the end all he could do was “note my account”, so I’ll be placing another call to my agent.

Mindy and I both worked in a call center when we first met. We were both painfully familiar with the customer service side of things. I caught a few good breaks and moved into IT where my real passion lied. She worked various forms of customer service for several different companies over the years before becoming a stay at home mom. I guess the additional years arguing with people over bills, collection letters, service agreements, etc. just made her more rigid when it comes to these things. She was just flat out better than me at getting people to do what she wanted, how she wanted. She was unwavering and tenacious, and as much as I try; as much as I say I’ll do the same thing…I’m just not her. I’m not that good at it. I wear down more easily and become frustrated. I can nearly hear her now, lecturing on the strength of a woman needed to get the job done. She wouldn’t actually do the work mind you; just tell you the womanly strength needed to do it (read: delegation and supervision). In marriage you get used to leaning on your spouse to fill gaps; to do well what you don’t. I just got comfortable with her being the assertive, tenacious project manger when it came to things like this. I do a lot of things well and I’ve improved on quite a bit now that I’m the only one calling the shots (or so I like to think), but it’s just another reminder that I’m just half of a couple.

Conversations in the car

We had another group night at the WARM Place last Thursday night and for the most part everything went normally. On the way across the parking lot to the car my little Princess said she missed “…Momma’s driving.”. Really? How do you miss someone’s driving, I thought. Then quickly as we drove away all three of them started chatting over one another and they all honed in on the same story…coincidence maybe. They all started to tell me about her taking them to church the Sunday before she died. That morning I was at a motorcycle safety course and we had debated about whether she would take the kids to church or not. She didn’t want to go…I felt that they should. When I left for my class that morning I understood that they weren’t going.

At some point after I left she decided that they would go to church and thus spawns the story my children talked over each other to tell me. It seems (and this is so very much like Mindy) that she missed her exit off the highway, twice, and then got lost going to church…where she had been many, many times before. With her lack of direction she reportedly ran over a curb, twice, and almost took out a traffic sign. But since Mindy always left early for everything even after getting lost and driving around for a while they still ended up at the church on time.

I wish I had some way of recording these conversations when the kids spontaneously remember things that happened about their mother. The best I have is to jot it down after the fact, or some times to put it here as a post. But the joy that came across their faces as they took turns adding to the story, reminding each other how the morning drive played out, was priceless. Mindy and I were not big on taking home videos, we have the birth of the kids and a few scattered videos here and there, but we aren’t in many of them. It’s mostly the kids in the videos. I wish I had more video with her voice, her smile, her personality to show to them as they get older but there are only a few. It was nice to hear them tell such vivid details about that drive to church as if it were on a video they had just watched. They remembered it so clearly.

These drives home from the WARM Place seem to make for more of these conversations than most any other time, but they spring up all the time. I hurts to miss her. It really hurts to know that the kids miss her, but it’s relieving to know that they still find joy in our ‘life of before’. It makes the heartbreak tolerable, if only for a moment, to know that she had a profound impact on the lives of each of my little kiddos in the short time they spent with her. My Princess had recently turned 5 years old when we lost Mindy, but she can still tell me little details about how she looked, things she said, faces she would make. The Teen remembers more than she tells, but I see her mother in her more and more each day. She is growing into such a thoughtful young woman (sometimes, then she’s still a selfish teenager too!) and surprises me more and more lately with how mature she can be. We could’ve been so happy together for so much longer, all five of us. I just imagine that Mindy is eavesdropping and smiling…not at the content, but of the context. She certainly wouldn’t find this little story funny, but we sure did.

In good times and bad

It’s been a long string of days running together since I last had the time or the energy to post anything. Some times I think the most appropriate post would just be me screaming until my lungs give out. Life has been so frustrating the last two weeks. It is maddening to find the frustration at both ends of the spectrum…intertwined in my life at every turn. It just reinforces that grief is not a phase that you work through. It’s a journey that changes your life forever.

I was invited to go out with some friends and make a big night of it a couple of weeks back, and I had a great time. We had a relaxing dinner and then we headed off to Pete’s; a place I hadn’t been before. The hours we spent there flew by like minutes. I ran into a couple of old friends and that always makes my day better, but when I finally got back home it all sank. I had such a wonderful time and I wanted to share it with her. I laid in bed waiting for the sun to come up thinking of all the reasons why I didn’t do more with the time we had together. Why did we let such trivial things become so important. We believed in each other so much, we always found a way to see the good in each other; past what everyone else saw (or so I’d like to think), and I always thought that someone with such fervor for life would live more of it.

Fast forward to the next weekend and it seems nearly a polar opposite. Drenching rain storms covered the area for days on end, a rarity this time of year in TX. The kids’ allergies were acting up. I felt like I was getting sick. The roof is now leaking in a couple of places. I had car trouble Monday morning with three vehicles in tandem. It was just one tedious, frustrating issue after another and I just wanted someone to help. I wanted her to help. I wanted to be able to lean on her and she lean on me and we just knock out these problems one after another. But it was just me…standing in the rain down the street from my house (‘cause I tried to pop the clutch on my truck to get it to start and it didn’t) feeling pathetic and beat down. My procrastination cause some of my Monday morning crap storm and I was angry at myself for getting in this position and at Mindy for not being there.

The car had a flat so I aired up the tire and drove the mile down the street to get it fixed. It was already flat again when I arrived. I just asked them to fix the flat and rotate the tires. The guy behind the counter picked the wrong person to be smart with that morning and became pretty agreeable after I released a little tension at his expense. He made some comment about why I shouldn’t rotate my tires the way I wanted and normally I would’ve just shrugged it off. This time I decided I should remind him that they are my tires on my car and he would do well to keep to his opinions to himself, except not in so many words.

While I waited for the tire to be fixed I called the insurance company to take care of my leaky roof and tow my van to the shop. I was making good progress, but I just needed someone to help me. Not because I couldn’t do it, although at the time it sure felt that way, but because I just needed to know I wasn’t on my own; so I called in the reinforcements. My grandfather came over and we hung out in the rain trying to work on my flaky, undependable, old truck. Well, he worked; I stood in the rain handing him tools. All the while we waited for the tow service which showed up almost 3hrs late. In retrospect I wish I had done a few things differently, and that is really my point in all of this. Grief becomes so disruptive that I find myself overwhelmed with things that can typically be remedied fairly quickly. Really, I forget that God is bigger than my problems…bigger than my grief.

Whether it’s after a great time out with friends or in the middle of a emotional avalanche there just seems to be no escape. In good times and bad she was truly my other half, and it feels like only half of a life with out her here.

The Mask I Wear

Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear
For I wear a mask. I wear a thousand masks-
masks that I'm afraid to take off
and none of them are me.
Pretending is an art that's second nature with me
But don't be fooled, for God's sake, don't be fooled.
I give you the impression that I'm secure
That all is sunny and unruffled with me
within as well as without,
that confidence is my name
and coolness my game,
that the water's calm
and I'm in command,
and that I need no one.
But don't believe me. Please!

My surface may be smooth but my surface is my mask,
My ever-varying and ever-concealing mask.
Beneath lies no smugness, no complacence.
Beneath dwells the real me in confusion, in fear, in aloneness.
But I hide this.
I don't want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weaknesses
and fear exposing them.
That's why I frantically create my masks to hide behind.

But I don't tell you this.
I don't dare.
I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid you'll think less of me, that you'll laugh
and your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing, that I'm just no good
and you will see this
and reject me.

I idly chatter to you in suave tones of surface talk.
I tell you everything that's nothing
and nothing of what's everything, of what's crying within me.
So when I'm going through my routine
do not be fooled by what I'm saying
Please listen carefully and try to hear
what I'm not saying
Hear what I'd like to say
but what I can not say.

It will not be easy for you,
long felt inadequacies make my defenses strong.
The nearer you approach me
the blinder I may strike back.
Despite what books say of men, I am irrational;
I fight against the very thing that I cry out for.
you wonder who I am
you shouldn't
for I am everyman
and everywoman
who wears a mask.
Don't be fooled by me.
At least not by the face I wear.
--Author unknown

Promotion to grades 1, 2, and 8.

In the past two weeks a lot has been going on at our house. The kids have been in full swing with their extracurricular activities and we went back to school shopping; I do not like shopping. Then last week the 2009-10 school year began. It’s been really nice having the kids home with me every evening again instead of the hit and miss each week we tried out during the summer. We won’t be doing that again next summer; at least not to that drastic of an extent. It was too hard for me. I felt like a divorcee Dad who only gets to see his kids on particular weekends and various holidays.

Dealing with grief is nothing like I imagined before August 6, 2008. It’s not something that you get over. It’s not something that just passes by. It’s an event that happens, like your own personal Pearl Harbor or 9/11. It redefines your life and, much like these National tragedies, it takes a while to recoup and reorganize into something that resembles a normal life. I do mean resembles as it’s only the outward perception that you display that ever resembles anything normal. Losing Mindy has given me new perspectives on relationships, marital and otherwise. Her effect on my life in the short decade we had together has forever changed me, and for the better. I think I’m a more attentive father compared to my ‘life of before’. Sometimes this attentiveness appears as over protection when it comes to my children, but so be it. As far as I’m concerned my children have endured enough to last well into adulthood, if not all of their lives. I’m certain they will have more pain as they grow we all do, but if life were fair they could skip over the rest of it and just enjoy the everyday miracles in life. I spent my 31st birthday ‘back to school’ shopping with my kids (because the middle school students don’t get supply list until after school starts and everything is sold out!) thinking how much fun Mindy had picking them out backpacks and pencil boxes.

The week school started my Princess got her first pair of glasses. Now she doesn’t squint to read and watch television. She’s a little behind in her reading because she had such a difficult time seeing, but she’s a brilliant little girl so we’ll more than make up for it very quickly. She loves her new glasses. She picked out some High School Musical themed frames and couldn’t wait to show them off at school. I’m glad she’s excited about it, I don’t know if I would’ve had the energy to fight her over it like my parents had to with me when I was young.

At the end of the previous school year I sent off several letters to various school administrators and did not get a reply back from any of them. I at least expected an acknowledgement of the letter, but there was nothing. So this year I expected to again have issues and I was pleasantly surprised that I have had none so far. They put my Princess in class with Sugarbear’s teacher from last year as I requested (Yeah Mrs. H!). My Teen got an acceptable schedule, which was turned in late by me instead of on time by her, with the majority of the classes she wanted. I assume by compliance of those two requests that the other letters were at least read by someone in the school district. It looks to be a promising year even though I’ve heard horror stories already from other parents in our district. To be fair I must say that I’ve only had an issue with one teacher at the middle school level. The other teachers have been great for my kids, it’s the administration that frays the last remaining threads of my sanity. It’s pretty apparent that I’m not the only parent with that experience in this district.

My Teen has shown some remarkable growth in the past few months. She even made dinner one night last week without any prompting from me, and it wasn’t just spaghetti or some frozen dinners. She made roasted chicken and it was really good. She has on a couple of occasions taken it upon herself to do some laundry and as much as I sternly remind her of areas that need a little work I also remind her that she is a wonderful young lady. I think some of what I’m saying might been sinking in…just a little bit. Only time will tell but I’ve been impressed with how they have all dealt with the crazy schedules and non existent routine this summer. It looks like a promising start to the year. I just wish Mindy were here to see what a wonderful little personalities our kids are growing into.

Happy birthday, my love

Yesterday was a bit hectic but I managed to squeeze in the things that I think are important. Yesterday Mindy would have been 35 years old. I would have been giving her a hard time I’m sure. She like to tease me early on about how much younger I was than her (only 4 years) and I told her then it would come back around to her. As we got older, the 4 years seemed less and less of a gap. But as I’ve mentioned before,  it was always a good tease in August as our birthdays are two weeks apart; hers before mine.

One night a few weeks ago I locked myself out of my house; there’s a whole story to that but I mention it only to say that I eventually broke out a window in our dining room to get back in. Yesterday morning the glass repair man came with my new window and the kids were entertained for about 45 minutes while they watched him replace the panes. Once he was done I checked the first thing off our list of ‘To Do’s’ for the day. We ran a few errands and got back home for lunch and I started baking Mindy’s birthday cake. It was a pathetic…very home made cake but it tasted good.

Last year Aunt Jen brought us the cake and we all sang “Happy Birthday” around the table. I thought it was simple and memorable; just the kind of thing I could repeat year after year to help the kids remember her. Mindy didn’t like many cakes, especially chocolate. Last year we had a red velvet cake with cream cheese icing so to keep things simple we did so again. When I was done preparing the cake I got all the kids to reluctantly sing “Happy Birthday” with me. This year feels much different from last but, to me, the important thing is that we have a repeatable way to acknowledge it all. Something the kids will come to expect.

We all went out to the grave site and I asked the kids if they wanted to go with me to her stone. None of them cared to go so they happily sat in the car with the cold A/C blowing and the radio on while I took a few minutes to spend with her. I’ve been out to see Mindy at least once a month for the past year; mostly by myself. This time was different. I can’t really explain why it was different; it just felt more empty. I didn’t get the release I had before after spending a little time there. Maybe it was because we were rushing through the day. Whatever the reason it definitely felt different. I hopped back in the car and we were off to Mindy’s parent’s house.

My sisters in law were there and the kids got to play more with their cousins. I wish I had more time to really visit but this week has been a mad dash from one place to another and my head has been spinning. I wish there were a few more hours in the day to get all our stuff done. We spent a few hours with them and then it was a dash back to the other side of town. So far this week my plans to ease the kids back into a schedule more convenient for the upcoming school year isn’t working. But we made time for family, and we continued to remember Mindy. That was the important part.