Hello, is there anybody out there?

I started blogging originally to deal with the loss of my wife and the grief my children and I were left to deal with. Then sooner than I thought I found myself with a woman that filled all the gaps left open by our loss.

Things that seem to good to be true usually are. I'll share the entire dramatization over time, for now its sufficient to say I've been betrayed. I find myself gravitating here again to deal with loss. This time my children have been taken from me. They are still healthy and well, but I mourn them all the same cause they aren't with me. I've spent more than two years in court fighting for my children and I'm no closer now than I was in the beginning. If justice happens at the courthouse it'll be an accident.

I've learned over these years that no one loves a child like the parents, and those that wish to hurt you have no greater exploit than your children. In the movies you see the villain take the hero's family for coercion or an incentive to a dark purpose. Only in real life its worse. The villains legally separate your children from your protection ( I'll explain how later) and then systematically train them to believe that you are a monster of a person. You can only hope that they remember what you really are and how much you love them because the court has restricted all access to them. You wake at night dreaming of them and hoping they still dream of you too.

So I've come back here in hoping that my kids, at some point, will find this and read along. Hoping my kids will understand that they were taken from me, never abandoned. Knowing that they love me and hoping to reassure them that I love them too. I will never stop loving them; never stop fighting for them, and will never leave them.

I'm still here; and this is still life as its happened to me.

A new leaf, a new tree...same infallible God

It has been a while since I've found the need or want to post anything here. This was a place where I could relate to other's who grieved and for a long while I felt I couldn't relate. I ran into an old friend from school and a story book tale of finding love proceeded to evolve. I had been looking at my "life of before" all while life was still happening. My new love, my fiancée, gave me new life.

I've never compared my late wife to my soon to be...I think that is a road best not traveled. So that brought me to the conclusion that I didn't want to continue posting about my life here...where there is so much of the past. I don't want to remove these posts because I've gotten some great responses that these words have been a help to a few. If there were only one that would've been enough to make it worthwhile. So I choose to keep this blog alive for new readers who may stumble upon it; but by God's grace my life has outgrown it's scope.

I've found the light at the end of the tunnel. My love adores my kids, and I her's. Together our family tree has grown to include six kids; and we love it that way. We have five between us and a new leaf was added to our tree just a few weeks ago. My mother kept praying that God would put someone wonderful in my life and so he answered her prayers.

Life is still happening and I'm going to really enjoy it! I hope that God shows you all the joy in your life too.

Single Parent should be an oxymoron

sin·gle par·ent (noun) Definition: Somebody who raises child alone: a parent who brings up a child or children alone, usually because he or she is unmarried, widowed, or divorced.

I never wanted to be a single parent. I had thought how awful it would be as a single parent when Mindy and I were going through rough patches. All my thoughts then focused on only being able to see my children on designated days, effectively letting the courts control my family life. The life I live now wasn’t the picture I had painted in my head during those times either; in many ways it’s worse.

In a conversation with my Teen one night I asked her about her mother. She said she thinks about her a lot. She misses her. These were the most forthright and honest answers she’s given me in a long while. She said “I wonder if it would be different with her here?”. That one I can handle; yes it would be. It most definitely would be. Maybe it’s because I’m still relatively new to all of this, or that I’m just not ready, but being a single parent is very hard. I’m out numbered to start with and then toss in that Mindy was a stay at home mom…I’ve got a long way to go.

I also find that I’m a little paranoid now that I’m the one solely responsible. Every little change in their behavior sounds an alarm in my head. My Teen loves to spend time alone. Sometimes reading or drawing but just off by herself in her room. Lately she’s been clinging to me a lot more. This week I’ve had an especially rough time. I’ve had to work quite a bit, some straight through the night and into the next day. I went to bed early Tuesday night, exhausted from being up for 40+ hrs. I fell asleep fast and hard at about 8:30p and it was just me in my big lonely bed. I awoke at about 3:15a to find little princess’ crying and my Sugarbear snoring to my left. I rolled over to find a set of elbows from my Teen near my head to the right. I was surrounded! My Princess woke up and couldn’t find her blanket, therefore a full on disaster plan was initiated to wake Dad and find said blanket; which was located under her pillow. I ended up with all three of them crowding me in what previously seemed like a big bed.

The next night I was still exhausted having not really gotten much rest and still putting out fires at work (figuratively). I sent the kids to bed a little earlier hoping I could catch a few more Z’s after I finished working and before the sun jumped back over the horizon. My Teen showed up again wanting to crash in my room. She never does this, not unless she’s sick. So I prodded her a bit about how she felt and why her room wasn’t making the grade, but as with everything else I ask her there was no real answer. She fell asleep in a matter of minutes while I worked. The clacking of the keyboard and the glow of my laptop didn’t seem to bother her at all. Here is where the paranoia set in. If she’s not sick, and this is not her usual behavior then what’s going on with her? Maybe nothing, maybe she just needs to feel extra protected; only time will tell. I wish Mindy was here to handle this stuff; single parenting is no walk in the park. The little ones do this all the time, mostly because they don’t want to go to bed, but not my Teen.

I don’t get much sleep anymore anyway; but with all the “All Nighter” for work in addition to my regular schedule, and the kids waking me up it’s really catching up with me. My house is a disaster, we’ve eaten out all week, and I feel like the kids aren’t getting the attention they need. This time of year doesn’t make it any easier. Things are not going to slow down any for a couple of months at least. There are birthdays, holidays, extracurricular events all right around the corner. So the definition may state that a single parent is a noun, a title bestowed upon someone, but I believe it should be an oxymoron. Maybe the lack of sleep is just making me into a moron?!?