There isn't really a positive way to release anger, that I've found. I feel like I'm barely holding on to any resemblance to a normal life. I'm drowning in homework, projects, fund raisers, etc. since school started back up for the kids. I'm being ignored by my insurance company to make repairs to my home. The biggest thing is I'm tired of coming home to an empty house. I guess that is the new normal, but it's not the normal I want; just the one I'm reluctant, but required, to accept.
The kids are wonderful, but I miss my best friend. I'm tired of watching TV alone; laughing alone at the idiot box. I hate that I have to drive everywhere; there isn't anyone else to run to the store for milk, or take the kids to gymnastics everyonce in a while. I hate going to bed alone; not having anyone to hold. Although, not waking up several times a night to lound, train like snoring isn't horrible. I despise seing couples out enjoying a life like I once had. Really I just despise that I no longer have that life and they are just the reminder.
I want a pause button for life. Everything is racing by so fast and I feel like I barely have time to react or make a decision. There are many people worse off than I am, and I try to be content with where I am. But it's hard to live it everyday in comparison to how it was, or how it should be. I want what I can't have...my old life back. The life that I once thought was so stressful and filled with unecessary burdens.
14 years ago
i am a follower of your blog,
ReplyDeleteand while it is not my thing to comment
i felt compelled to do so.
this particular post endears me to you as a writer.
you write what you know
like the raw feelings you allow yourself to feel
w/o wearing the mask.
so as cliche as this may come out
(b/c there is no other way to write or convey it)
you are not alone.
there are many people out there rooting for you
an invisible hand on your shoulder,
if you will,
cheering you on.
going through similar-not-so-similar life stories that take meaning and give strength to their plight when read through avenues such as this blog.
so even when you feel alone...
you really aren't.
p.s. i will be laughing at the "idiot box" on thursday night. :)
office night. if you watch this particular show you are more than welcome to watch it along w/ me. please feel free to laugh out loud. i do.
Meghan, thank you. It just so happens that I most likely will be watching The Office and laughing out loud.
ReplyDeleteYour comments help. I can't explain why; maybe because it just reminds me of what I already know...I'm not the only one. Here I can let the emotion be raw; this blog is my mask to a degree. Thanks again for taking the time to do what you would not be typically inclined to do.
You are definitely not the only one. There are many of us out here dealing with all the issues you are and feeling the same emotions. I'm often overwhelmed, wishing my best friend was here with me to laugh with, talk with and be my partner in parenting and life. I want my old life back too (except for the snoring:)). Hopefully knowing that there are many out here who are dealing with the exact same issues every day will help you feel less alone. Hand in there!
ReplyDelete