May 11, 2009

Mother’s Day without her…

I tried as hard as I could to ignore Mother’s Day. I called my Mom and chatted with her for a while but I didn’t do gifts this year. I hope that doesn’t make me too selfish…I just didn’t want to acknowledge the day any more than possible. Only because Mindy isn’t here. The kids came home from school with projects they made for Mother’s day. They did a wonderful job and I’m sure Mindy would’ve loved them.

We spent most of Mother’s day with Mindy’s family, and I love it that we did. Both of her sisters were there and the kids had a blast playing with their cousins. The little girls went for a ride on the neighbors horse and they giggled most of the time. The boys were running around trading cards and acting suspicious, as boys do. I always enjoy time with my sisters in-law. I got a “Happy Mother’s Day” while I was over there…logic concedes that since I’m filling both roles I should enjoy both Mother’s Day and Father’s Day; it made me smile that they think of such things for me.


The kids didn’t seem to have any difficulty over the weekend dealing with the vacancy of a mother in their lives. That’s why I love them so much; they are my little rocks. But both Saturday and Sunday night I kept having a dream, or more accurately a waking memory of an incident Mindy and I had at a pharmacy. I was so mad that day and even in retrospect I feel like I did the right thing. But both nights I woke up feeling guilty. Maybe I could’ve done something different, or maybe it’s just my mind’s way of dealing with all the things I keep trying to ignore.

I just lie awake staring at the room I once painted, scraped the acoustic ceiling, and redecorated for Mindy in two nights while she visited her parents…all for Mother’s day. The television in our room that I watch alone, late into the night while I try to sleep was a Mother’s day present for her a different year. Her life, her personality is plastered all over our home and in our children. For now, I’m thankful for that; thankful that I have these memories.

Thursday was a very good day for my whole family and Friday continued to be a relaxing and enjoyable day. The weekend in total was great but I can’t help but think about how many Mother’s Day events will the kids be subjected to where explanations will be needed. I guess that’s life; our new, post Mindy life.


  1. I remember Ryan and I trying to help you try to get that white stuff to stick to the ceiling. Those were some of the good days. I know she loved the room.

    We're always going to think we should have done things differently. The last time I saw Mindy I snapped at her over something so stupid. I wish I could take that back.

  2. I know guys don't typically do the "thinking of you" thing, but you were on my mind a lot this weekend. I did the same thing you did the first Mother's Day without my wife - I avoided it completely. My daughter was too young to know what day it was and some friends loaned us their beach house nearby, so we spent the weekend there hiding from the rest of the world (my family is all 800 miles away). I'm glad that the first one is behind you now, and that the kids handled it well.