May 31, 2009

Another month gone.

May has been a very busy month. School spills over into June for the kids, but just by a few days. I’ll be so glad when school is out. I’m so worn out from following up on homework, tracking down permissions slips, and trying to keep three separate schedules from running over each other. Although I have mixed feelings about how this summer is going to go. I’ve made arrangements for the kids to spend time with various family members so they don’t have to go to a day care. For much of the time they’ll be with me in the evenings and nearby during the day, but they’ll be spending considerable time quite a distance away as well. I know they’ll have fun and enjoy spending time with Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, and Cousins but I don’t know that I’m ready to be without them that much. They’ve been such an anchor for me these several months.

Yesterday we spent the evening at Mindy’s parents house for a BBQ that they host every year. There were about 70 friends/family there and for much of the night things went smooth. At one point I was in the kitchen with my sister in-law talking about how nice it was that no one was prying me about Mindy. I surprised myself that I remembered a few names from the preceding year, although there were many that escaped me. Then a very nice woman said she wanted to meet me. I was introduced to her, her son, and her daughter in law whose hair reminded me of Mindy; it was long, dark, and very curly. The woman was very nice and spoke highly of my family. She told me how Mindy’s parents had spoke of me and was clearly wanting to give me some supportive words. She asked me how life has been the past 9 months and 25 days and no matter how many times I get that question the answer is always a struggle. I doubt anyone really wants to know…it’s just one of those loaded questions that sort of spew out of your mouth. I ended up fielding that question several times that night. I want to be brief, but give enough information that they don’t ask follow up questions. I didn’t do very well with that. Its always a little awkward for me to go through this routine when I’m with Mindy’s family. It may be just my perception but I’ve rarely been around when Mindy’s parents or sisters are asked how they are getting along with out her. I don’t know what it would be like to lose a child or a sibling and I don’t like the attention these questions bring.  I do like to hear that people are thinking and praying for me and my wonderful kids but I feel it’s more appropriate as a statement than a conversation.

I drove home that night feeling the void. There was no one there to argue with me about the radio stations. No one to tell me to ignore the idiot in the lane next to me. Every song that played seem to reach into my heart and stir some memory. I couldn’t get home fast enough; I couldn’t get in bed fast enough. To put a little insurance on the brevity of the night I made sure to grab a couple of sleeping pills on the way to the bedroom. I thought that would do the trick…but as with every morning in my life without her, I woke up alone. Well, almost every morning. The kids have slept with me some and there’s nothing like waking up with a pair of feet in your back or having a 7 year old steal all the covers. But there aren’t anymore mornings waking up to her rubbing my back or keeping the kids out of the room so I can sleep in.

With school almost wrapped up and the kid’s schedules all set for the summer I wonder how the next 3 months will go. I wonder if I’ll ever get used to this. Time isn’t healing anything, and I miss her more than I could’ve ever imagined I would have. I just wish I could fast forward my life like Adam Sandler in ‘Click’. I want to be at all the dance recitals and school events. I want to see my boy grow to be a good man and my daughters have beautiful weddings, but I could do without the long nights and lonely days. I could do without being both the hero and the bad guy to kids depending on their mood. I could do without things being this hard to deal with.


  1. I completely understand wanting to avoid those conversations. I do it every chance I get.

    I am looking into a possible location change at work and my biggest concern is that I will have to explain my "situation" to all of the new co-workers, students, and parents I encounter. (Maybe I should just put out a memo...) Then I remember that my daughter will be thrust into that same scenario when she starts kindergarten in the fall and she doesn't get a choice in the matter.

    Those conversations are bad when you anticipate them, but they're much worse when you don't.

  2. S3F, I so look forward to your posts and your comments. It's very ironic how this little "club of widow/ers" can identify with each other so well. But you always seem to hit the nail right on the head.

    I appreciate your words, always.