Jul 17, 2009

I still laugh at our inside jokes…

It’s been another week of me trying to stay busy in the evenings without the kids at home. It’s been increasingly difficult to sleep. I think it’s partly because the house is so quiet and partly the anticipation of what is just around the corner…52 weeks later.  I have had an absolute blast being out with friends, sans kiddos. But it is all fleeting; as soon as I come home and walk through that front door it all seems to be a just a little surreal.

It rained last night for a good while, and since I couldn’t sleep anyway (having another surreal moment) I figured…why not go stand in the rain? So, at about 2am I was out on the driveway soaking in the rare TX summer rain. The rain drops were unusually warm as they fell from the sky. The ground, still hot from the days sunlight, seemed to almost steam with each drop. The fresh rain smell was in the air and for just a moment all I thought about was how beautiful it all was.

Then a bolt of lightning lit up the night sky and I figured it would be better to watch from indoors…just in case. I’m not to keen on becoming a lightning rod, or ending up like the character, Mr. Daws, in ‘The Curious Case of Benjamin Button’.

In the last couple of weeks, as I indulge in the extra time I have to spend with friends, I am constantly thinking that Mindy would’ve loved this. She’s such a social butterfly; always wanting to be with friends. I was the one who never really wanted to go out much. It seems like I’ve been compensating for her in my own behavior lately. I haven’t been quite as laid back and easy going as I was before. Instead I seemed to have taken on some of Mindy’s concise, to the point, and some times confrontational nature. Maybe I just want to think that because it makes me feel good, maybe it’s actually true. I don’t really care which the result is the same. The result is that I feel like I can carry her with me where ever I go. I can enjoy life and know she would’ve enjoyed it too. She would enjoy being out with me, creating memories to share later. As sad as that could sound since she’s no longer here…it’s actually a very peaceful, inviting thought for me.

I don’t really know how to explain it more than that. If you watched the FOX show ‘Fringe’ where the main FBI agent shares her memories with a former partner by way of some weird experiment…that sort of the same. Only without the scary water tank,  electrodes, or trance inducing hypnotism. Although I’m not trying to find odd terrorist types using her memory. I like to think we remembered things similarly. So that when I smile about something we did together…she is smiling too.

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