It’s been a long string of days running together since I last had the time or the energy to post anything. Some times I think the most appropriate post would just be me screaming until my lungs give out. Life has been so frustrating the last two weeks. It is maddening to find the frustration at both ends of the spectrum…intertwined in my life at every turn. It just reinforces that grief is not a phase that you work through. It’s a journey that changes your life forever.
I was invited to go out with some friends and make a big night of it a couple of weeks back, and I had a great time. We had a relaxing dinner and then we headed off to Pete’s; a place I hadn’t been before. The hours we spent there flew by like minutes. I ran into a couple of old friends and that always makes my day better, but when I finally got back home it all sank. I had such a wonderful time and I wanted to share it with her. I laid in bed waiting for the sun to come up thinking of all the reasons why I didn’t do more with the time we had together. Why did we let such trivial things become so important. We believed in each other so much, we always found a way to see the good in each other; past what everyone else saw (or so I’d like to think), and I always thought that someone with such fervor for life would live more of it.
Fast forward to the next weekend and it seems nearly a polar opposite. Drenching rain storms covered the area for days on end, a rarity this time of year in TX. The kids’ allergies were acting up. I felt like I was getting sick. The roof is now leaking in a couple of places. I had car trouble Monday morning with three vehicles in tandem. It was just one tedious, frustrating issue after another and I just wanted someone to help. I wanted her to help. I wanted to be able to lean on her and she lean on me and we just knock out these problems one after another. But it was just me…standing in the rain down the street from my house (‘cause I tried to pop the clutch on my truck to get it to start and it didn’t) feeling pathetic and beat down. My procrastination cause some of my Monday morning crap storm and I was angry at myself for getting in this position and at Mindy for not being there.
The car had a flat so I aired up the tire and drove the mile down the street to get it fixed. It was already flat again when I arrived. I just asked them to fix the flat and rotate the tires. The guy behind the counter picked the wrong person to be smart with that morning and became pretty agreeable after I released a little tension at his expense. He made some comment about why I shouldn’t rotate my tires the way I wanted and normally I would’ve just shrugged it off. This time I decided I should remind him that they are my tires on my car and he would do well to keep to his opinions to himself, except not in so many words.
While I waited for the tire to be fixed I called the insurance company to take care of my leaky roof and tow my van to the shop. I was making good progress, but I just needed someone to help me. Not because I couldn’t do it, although at the time it sure felt that way, but because I just needed to know I wasn’t on my own; so I called in the reinforcements. My grandfather came over and we hung out in the rain trying to work on my flaky, undependable, old truck. Well, he worked; I stood in the rain handing him tools. All the while we waited for the tow service which showed up almost 3hrs late. In retrospect I wish I had done a few things differently, and that is really my point in all of this. Grief becomes so disruptive that I find myself overwhelmed with things that can typically be remedied fairly quickly. Really, I forget that God is bigger than my problems…bigger than my grief.
Whether it’s after a great time out with friends or in the middle of a emotional avalanche there just seems to be no escape. In good times and bad she was truly my other half, and it feels like only half of a life with out her here.