Life…the week of June 22

It’s been a tough week and I’m worn out. At least for now it appears that next week will be a total opposite. Next week should be quiet and relaxing…I hope.

Last Monday I put my Teen on a flight out to see her paternal grandparents to fulfill a promise I made her when the adoption process began. I was weary about sending her out of the state until the adoption was final but she wanted to see her Bio Dad’s family. As part of the final adoption we put in language that any visits to see his family would be with the paternal grandparents, they would be the ones responsible for her care. I sent the flight information to them about a month ahead of time, then confirmed about a week prior. The Teen and I packed bags and headed for her 6:35a flight out to see them and I saw her off at the flight gate. A couple of hours later I got a text message (the only way teens seem to communicate) that she had landed. I was thrilled; I didn’t ask her to call or text me she took it up herself to do so…for her that is huge! About 10 min later I got another text, nobody had shown up to claim her. I started making phone calls while trying to keep her calm and finally got in touch with her grandmother at the office. A few minutes later a call from Bio Dad as he was at the airport with his father. They said they’d been there for a while looking for her (now 30min on the ground with no contact) but hadn’t been able to locate her.First of all SHE HAS HER CELL PHONE! And secondly, this airport has two terminals…yeah TWO! It’s not like they had to search LAX or something to find her!

It’s my opinion that they showed up late and were alerted of my phone calls which in turn prompted their call. After reaching me they found her, and 45min after her plane landed she was on her way. I’ve sent her a few text messages through the week and she seems to be having a good time. I just feel like they go out of their way to make it obvious that they don’t really care. They go through the motions and say the right things, but it’s the little things that speak volumes. The options to take her to dinner while their in town, and they refuse. The prior chances to visit her when not court ordered…not even thought about. Some times it’s hard to not say negative things about them around her, but I know she’s almost old enough to see it all for herself.

Tuesday was a fairly normal day, and Wednesday should have been. The A/C service man came out for the semi-annual tune up on our A/C units. He was only there for a little over an hour and it all seemed well when he left. Thursday was our night at The WARM Place so we didn’t get home until late so we didn’t notice much about the temperature in the house but Friday it was HOT! It turns out that whatever the service man did on Wed during the preventative maintenance has us sitting in the heat now. He’s coming back out, of course, but it could never be soon enough. Even with the larger downstairs unit working the house isn’t cool so we’ve been out to eat and anywhere I can think of that will entertain the kids and keep us cool.

Thursday at The WARM Place the topic of dating was brought up and how to deal with the children’s emotions when a widow/er begins to date. Since this is a topic I’m not ready to discuss (at least publicly) I was pretty quiet, and the fact that I was the only male in the room this week ensured I didn’t say much! It was nice though to hear what these women had been going through and how they’ve dealt with it. I have really started enjoying my time at The WARM Place despite my strong hesitations to going originally. But like any time we go the “triggers” are always there in abundance so it’s always a demanding evening for me.

We’re gearing up for the July 4th weekend and the kids are looking forward to seeing their cousins. We want to get out to Nonnie June’s and over to Mindy’s parent’s for a little bit, but it’s looking more and more like we’ll have to choose just one. Either way we’ll have plenty of fireworks and fun. I hope your Independence Day we’ll be as fun as our should be; and I hope we can all stay cool in this summer heat!

Princess Ballerina

Runtime 5:57

The video may be a bit long for some, but I couldn't help it. I'm so proud of my little princess. This was taken last week at her recital and I wish I could make her smile that big everyday! A huge "THANK YOU!!" to Aunt Jen for helping out with hair, make up, costume changes, etc. She took the best pictures too. I'll try to post a few a little later.

You were brilliant little Princess. What a graceful little dancer! I absolutely love watching you dance. You remind me of your mother more and more every day.

Father's Day

In 2001 I was working third shift in a call center for TXU. One warm spring morning Mindy woke me up around 9:30am; I had just fallen asleep after working a double. She crouched down next to the bed and said "Honey, your going to be a Daddy." I opened my eyes and tried to mutter some response but I was exhausted. She let me fall back to sleep and we celebrated later that afternoon. I'll never, ever forget that groggy morning when I found out she was pregnant with Sugarbear. Father's Day with my Teen had always been a special day, even before that morning. The adoption spurred feelings similar to that morning when we finalized that whole ordeal. But it's something special to know that you brought a life into this world!

Father's Day is one of my favorite holidays and Mindy always made it a big deal (as I tried to do on Mother's Day). I have numerous T-Shirts from the kids that have "Daddy platitudes" on them that I usually wear all through June. Last year the Friday before Father's Day I bought the kids got me a motorcycle for Father's Day and I had pictured Mindy and I cruising around on it all over the place. As it turns out she only rode with me twice.

This year the day was still special, and thank you Chick-fil-a for the "Father's Day Chocolate Shake"! I think I have the greatest kids in the world and they have been so strong for each other as well as me. Even when the Teen rolls her eyes while I enjoy my free shake. But it's just never the same without my strongest supporter in my corner. This is another "first". The first Father's Day as a single dad of half orphaned children. And it's tough thinking about how great it is to be a dad when the woman who brought all three of my wonderful children into this world is no longer apart of it.

I can't help but think that my words sound like a broken record...

I miss her, she's gone.

I miss her, she's gone.

But it's odd that it's the same description but it's not the same feeling. It's the same symptoms (your throat gets tight, your eyes water, your stomach knots itself up, etc.) But emotionally it's not the same; each one of these "firsts" are a little different from the last. This one wasn't preceded by the usual anxiety of a coming holiday without her. This time the bottom fell out when I went through my Teen's bag as she packed for a trip to see her paternal grandparents. As per usual teenage logic she didn't pack enough clothes or other essentials and just planned on wearing "...whatever". We talked and I explained some things to her and the whole time I'm thinking this is a mother/daughter conversation. I can do this; I will do this. But if Mindy where here I wouldn't be doing this; she would. It makes me so thankful for all my wonderful sisters in-law that help out. It takes a mix of all of us to even begin to fill Mindy's shoes in these kid's lives and that point is what got me tonight.

On August 5, 2008 I loved Mindy more than I did February 11, 2000. Today I miss her more than I did August 6, 2008. We had a successful marriage...I'm confident in saying that now. We talked about divorce a few times; it very nearly became a reality once. But we never went down that road. Someone once told me that it doesn't matter if you think you married the right woman or not. If your married, she's the right woman. After all we went through, and we put each other to the test on occasion, we CHOSE to stay together. Mindy had issues that she couldn't overcome but I was no saint. I pulled my fair share of stupid acts and put her in some tough spots myself. But this Father's Day I'm just thankful for my beautiful kids, and I miss my wife terribly. I wish I could just tell her how much better of a husband I should have been and that she was always the right woman for me. I wish she could appreciate how difficult it is to fill her void in our lives. She often was under appreciated and I just wish she was here to see what I see in retrospect.

I miss her, she's gone.