I’m not sure what that something is yet, but I have put some thought to how all of this could relate to my life, my situation, my current path and there is a lot of information I could derive such as the constancy of light and the constancy of God. How matter and energy are transmutable but can’t be destroyed; they are two forms of the same thing; much how the Holy Trinity are three representations of the same God, although that is hard for me to wrap my head around as well. But for me, for now, the lesson that is glaring out at me is that the closer you get to the speed of light the slower time moves. So the theory goes that at the speed of light time stands still. In Peter II 3:8 we are told that for God a thousand years is but a day. It’s hard for me to remember that God is not limited by the time He created.
For me, I definitely feel the effects of general relativity. Last month I was so busy running around trying to keep things held together (I’m about out of bailing wire and duct tape). Even though it was the busiest month since last August it seemed to last forever. I feel like I’ve lived an entire year just a few months. I’ve intentionally sped up the pace of my life so that I would be too busy to grieve; too busy to deal with life. But I can’t escape it…the faster I move the slower time seems to go. As if it’s waiting on me to slow down so that the looming wave can crash down and wash over me.
I’ve been told that anger can be a form of depression. I think anger is spawned from not being able to out run depression or control grief. I’m angry that I could not run to the hospital fast enough to stop time, and somehow save my wife from herself. I’m angry because I know in my head that all this was done in His timing but I didn’t get to say goodbye. I didn’t want to say goodbye. My mind and my heart are disjointed and I can’t seem to reconcile the two.
This morning I thought about something Mindy and I used to tease each other about. She would remind me that I was only 19 when we started dating. Her friends would tease her about me being so much younger. I would always remind her that when I turn 50 she would be 54. At least that was the expectation. Now she will always be 33; for her time now stands still. Can she now see my whole life from beginning to end in the presence of God? When I see her again will the time I spent without her seem as long as it has already felt? Einstein neglected to address this in his theory, and I am not able to understand it.
Some days I feel like I’m doing well, I’m maintaining a ‘normal’ existence for my children. They feel safe and secure if their world has some resemblance of our previous life…our life of before. Then other days I feel like I’m just going through the motions because I don’t know what else to do. I want everything to change, but I want it all to stay the same. I want a new house but I want it to feel like home. How can it feel like home without her? I want a new life; I want my life of before to be my new life of now. I don’t want to dwell in the past, but I don’t like dealing with the present and I can’t imagine a future living without her. Every day I get through the present and with each day I have a little less future to be concerned with but it doesn’t make it any more appealing. I guess I’ll just end up being 50 one day, wondering how I made it there without her. Wondering if she is laughing out loud that she won…she never turned 54.
Maybe in another day I’ll feel better, maybe in a thousand years I’ll still feel the same.
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