Apr 3, 2009

Split Personalities

I'm tired of feeling like I no longer own my life; at some point "just going through the motions" starts to feel a lot like living in someone else’s shoes. The lack of self confidence mixed with the intense anger just barely hidden from the world, and the surprise attacks from everyday routines that suddenly are no longer routine are enough to make you wonder if you are going insane; developing a split personality disorder.

There are moments when life has a glimmer of normalcy; there are moments of hope. But the contrast that now exists between these moments and those when I feel the world should be standing still has become expansive. I look back at this past weeks and I feel like two different people; I've been the exhausted, grumpy, and frustrated Dad but I've also been a guy out with friends listening to bad live music and talking about anything except me. The time I spent with friends is easier, but time with the kids taking care of daily responsibilities is more comforting.

I know there is someone out there that is having a more difficult time than I am, and I try to remind myself of that. But for now it doesn't help. I just feel uncomfortable in my own life. It’s so disastrously ironic that the person I would trust to talk to about all that is going on in my head is the subject of all that is going on in my head. Mindy was the one that had a way of making me feel okay about almost anything. There was a level of intimacy there that could communicate past verbal and visual cues. She could hold my hand with a tone of emotion that could fit almost any occasion. She could brush her hand across my shoulders and convey empathy and compassion, or concern and a little anxiety.

I don't want to live in the past but I feel border line obsession about keeping her memories vivid. As life continues to move forward I feel torn between finding some level of emotional intimacy with a good friend and the complications that brings when I still feel married. I'm not married, but even saying out loud doesn't make it seem any more real. Mindy's parent's stirred these thoughts along and until very recently I really thought it was outrageous; is it? I don't want to be like my father who, in my opinion, is just clinging on to someone out of fear (that's another story). But if someone can help me clear the fog in my head...do I dismiss that for the sake of the fog in my head? Does it resolve the feeling of living as two people or further the issue?

A good friend, who recently ran into some personal difficulty himself, reminded me that time will help; I hate that saying. Time alone heals nothing it's what you choose to do in that time that determines your outcome. Life's choices aren't always easy and throw in the fact that I'm the sole provider and protector for three innocent (maybe not my Teen) lives and at times I feel like Atlas with the world on my shoulder. With all the help and support from my family that is still my burden to bear and I do it gladly. Time will never bring Mindy back...children are always children and time doesn't change that either. They will grow up but they will always be my children.

I was hoping that I would find answers as I wrote, sometimes I do; not this time. Maybe next time I’ll let the other guy in my head write more so I’m not so bent towards the half empty glass. But then pessimism and paranoia make for more cautious decisions, or so I like to think for now.


  1. It’s so disastrously ironic that the person I would trust to talk to about all that is going on in my head is the subject of all that is going on in my head.

    Poetic. I can completely relate.

    Hang in there. As you well know, some days are better than others. And you're right, time heals nothing. But its passage helps put distance between the raw emotions you are now experiencing and the gentler ones that will follow .

  2. TIme does NOT heal all things/wounds. Not at all.
    God heals them.
    I am 15 months out (my husband died very suddenly in Dec '07) and I am finding that the second year is worse than the first. Someone told me that last year, but I think I had hoped she was just kidding .... or didn't really know what she was talking about.
    Unfortunately .... she was right.
    I am so very tired of having to be in charge of everything now .... and there is no end in sight. And yes, the person I would confide in, relax with, vent to, love beyond reason ..... is no longer here. So it's just me.
    And many days ..... it totally sucks.
    There are now more good days than there were, but there are still plenty of bad ones.
    I'm glad that I found your blog .... I "get it".
    Thanks for sharing,