Mar 28, 2009

Auto pilot

Today is a cold, windy, and ‘I want to sleep all day’ sort of day. My little monkeys are all at Mindy's parent's house for the weekend so I did sleep in for a while...that was nice. Then after a few loads of laundry (a never ending job) and a little lunch I decided I should run to the store. I haven't been grocery shopping since Mindy passed. Not that I haven't run to the store for a gallon of milk or a package of meat here and there but mostly $50 or less worth of stuff. In a family of 5, in our life of before, $50 worth of groceries was nothing. Since Mindy passed we've been eating out a lot and having friends and family cook meals for us quite a bit. I have cooked a few things but it's not the new norm.

Today on my way into the store...for that quick gallon of milk and fresh box of cereal I took a phone call. I ended up taking another call while I was in the store also but the point being that I was on the phone and distracted the entire time. As a result my mind went into auto pilot as I scanned through the familiar aisles. I loaded up all my stuff and headed home not giving a second thought as to what I was doing...after all I've done this a million times before.

When I unpack the groceries at home I find that I've bought things for Mindy. Things that I intentionally bought for her in the past; for example, I thought it would be good to get some frozen dinners to save time on especially rushed days. So I picked up my regulars and also got home with a Salisbury steak dinner; it's Mindy's favorite of the frozen entrees. Amongst other things I came home with several packages of Coke...another of Mindy's staples. These are things I haven't bought since she passed but bought with some regular frequency on our usual twice monthly trip to the store...a lifetime ago.

Who would've thought that a stupid package of cokes would make you cry out of nowhere?

I'm really missing her today and I just want to go back to bed!

The part that really gets to me most is that this stupid walk through life with grief as my unwelcome partner is still filled with firsts. It's amazing how everyday things are never the same and yet I don't fully comprehend it until something like this happens and I find myself engulfed, completely covered in knowledge that I can't have her back, all over again. I hate having this much time to myself...I always have big plans for something or another but ultimately I always end up wondering why it had to be her. What will my children's lives be like in another year, two, or five? When will I find myself thinking of her without the tears being a companion of all the memories?

And for all my questions I guess time is the answer but time is not a friend of mine either right now. So for the foreseeable future I guess this is how life will be. I don't think this is something you can get used to, but toleration is becoming more of a routine.


  1. The first thing I thought of when you said you bought some things for Mindy was coke. :)

    I thought a lot about her and her funeral on my drive home from Southlake this afternoon. I started thinking what I would do if Ryan died. Hope hopelessly insane I would be. I only hope I would have half the courage and faith in God that you do. You truly point others to Him and are a true testimony for your kids.

  2. The tears will subside eventually, but not for good. The instances that bring you to them will just become fewer and further between.

    It's been two years, and yet in the last week I have had no fewer than four instances where I've thought "I should tell her that". You won't always buy soda and frozen dinners. But you'll want to.

  3. When I talked to "Princess" this morning on the phone, she said that she didn't want to go to dance. When I asked her if she wasn't feeling good, she said that she was just feeling "lazy". . . . How honest is that? I almost said, "That sounds just like your Mommy.... She knew when it was a 'stay in your PJs kinda day".

    I read your blog a few hours later. I guess Princess knew it was a "cold, windy, ‘I want to sleep all day’ sort of day."

  4. Yeah, she's more and more like her Momma everyday and I wouldn't have it any other way.

    Aunt Jen...aren't you supposed to be asleep?

    Yeah, me niether.

  5. Though I can't imagine the grief you are experiencing, I think you are doing wonders for your children. You're showing them just how wonderful Mindy was and that you'll never forget her. Let yourself grieve and cry whenever you feel the need.