Blindsided

This weekend was doomed from the start, I'm just glad that the Valentine's madness is behind us. Mindy never did like Valentine's much anyway...I loved that! We even moved our wedding a few days just to avoid Valentines. But Saturday I took the kids to see her and we placed some flowers for her. My Mom provided the flowers, they were nice. I couldn't tell you what type of flowers they were, I'll claim being a man for that one. But they were pink, and Mindy loved pink.

I noticed that my little ones could have cared less if we went to place the flowers...and the Teenager was noticeably upset. Not crying, making a scene upset; but the "I'm 13 and I don't want to talk about it" upset. I finally got it out of her later that evening that the prospect of me getting upset near her, in turn upset her. I can't blame her, I just wished she had told me earlier.

The next day we went out to my in-laws to visit. Mindy's father likes to give me advice, and I'm not one to turn down good information. But this time he told me that I don't need to go see Mindy, it just makes it worse and I need to move on. But I don't think he and I see it the same way. To him it brings it all to the surface and it's uncomfortable. For me, it's a way to release...to let go. I can get things off my chest and vent without any one's response. And it helps me to keep the memories of her, because I can imagine what Mindy would say to all my comments.

He also asked me "When are you going to get a girlfriend?" To which I had almost no response. I was not expecting that question to come from him. I think really it was his way of just saying 'When you want to get a girlfriend, it's okay with us.' The first thought that ran through my head was...it's only been six months. What would that say to my children about how I felt towards their mother? It's not like it's been a few years and the wounds have healed some. I do really miss being married, but I really miss being married to Mindy. Not to just anyone. But as I said, I think he had good intentions...the words just fell out all wrong. Never the less, the pot had been stirred.

Then we moved on, cause the conversation was getting a little deep and the tears were coming up in both our eyes. And for two men standing in a garage, surrounded by power tools and power toys, that's just not very cool. But the subject doesn't stray very far...now it's on to 'when will I take time for myself'. Um...that's what I went to Colorado for. I had a week of fun with the guys. No kids, no wives, no distractions...just fun. I think I'm good for a while, but apparently I'm the only one because this isn't the first time the subject has come up, and my side of the family is just as pressing on the issue. But I make a quick list of the times I've squeaked away, kid free, for a few hours and for now it's a quashed item.

We head inside and I get a proper lecture about how I need to step up my game as a parent because my Teenager all but refuses to pass her classes in school. Now I have to be polite, and what they were suggesting all makes sense and was meant to help. But I really just wanted to stand up and scream "Hey, there's just one of me here!" I poke and prod and ask questions about school all the time but I can't do the work for her. And when I force her to do her work, I can't make her turn it in. We've had teacher conferences, we've tried every imaginable punishment...but that is all a whole other topic that would fill a page itself.

The kids spent the night with them. I leave thinking I have a 200lbs. weight attached to my ankle. And I can't drag it or I'll disappoint someone.

My brother asks if I want to meet them at a local restaurant. So I do and got a little steam out, then I met the guys at a bar downtown. Then a bit more steam came out.

I went to pick up the kids the next day. The Teenager didn't follow my instructions, and Sugarbear ended up with fever and was vomiting in the night. Hey, is there a better way to end an extended Valentine's weekend then with willful defiance and sick kids?

Well, we head to our first group session this week. Another event I'm not looking forward to doing. And then next week I'm back in court for another hearing on the adoption. So at this point, I just hope that light in the tunnel isn't a train.