Feb 25, 2009

Bad day in the kindergarden kingdom

I walked in from work and Mindy's mother was holding Princess, who was sobbing and muttering words I couldn't understand. I was running a little later than usual because I went to see my counselor today. It was a quick meeting because I didn't really feel like talking; I have actually done pretty well today despite having little sleep.

Finally the words got a little clearer...she had a bad day at school. Her whole class got into trouble and couldn't play at recess and she missed a field trip. Now I'm not sure about her missing recess, but I know she didn't have a field trip today. In any case she was upset. She had apparently fallen down in the Teen's room just before I got home. But the fall was not why she was upset, it was just the trigger. She calmed down and Mindy's Mom left us to finish out our evening. We had a hodge podge of left overs for dinner...and I really miss left overs. I've been really hung up on food lately. But I'm off my point.

After dinner it was baths and a short stint with me trying to work while they sat next to me watching a little television. Next it was off to bed for them. Sugarbear actually went to bed the first time I asked tonight. He usually gets out of bed at least twice, but not tonight. Princess cried out for me about an hour after I put them in bed. "Daddy, my stomach feels like I have fever." she said as she started to cry again. I went through a list of symptoms to determine what she really meant and it turns out she was just hot so a quick wardrobe change was in order.

But that didn't fix it...so I turned off the lights and laid down with her for a while. Now here I'll tell you that I'm thankful that I had a good day today. God knew I would need it for tonight. Princess began to tell me how she missed Mommy. She remembers how Mindy would stay up with her when she had a bad cough and how they would go shopping together at all the "kid stores". Now I'm putting two and two together, but I'm still unsure of the whole recess issue.

After a little chat I start to get up and she says "Daddy, I thought you were going to sleep with me like Mommy did. She slept with me like every week." Oh man...now my head is spinning with all the memories. Mindy and Princess had a special bond as each of them did with her. But they got to spend time alone during the day while the rest of us were at work/school. She couldn't even do that with our Teen because she worked then. Mindy really liked being a stay-at-home Mom (some times a little too much!).

I had been dreading this night since Mindy passed...the night that Princess would ask me to fill her mother's shoes. I always imagined it would be after a fall with a scraped knee; calling out "I want Momma!" but it was more subdued. It was more poignant and heartfelt. I was much more painful than I wanted her to know. Even though I had been trying to prepare for this day for months now I always knew I wouldn't be ready. I told her it was okay to cry about Momma, "...crying makes you feel better..." I said. But as I say it I'm fighting back my own tears. I would give anything if Mindy could just kiss her face and tell her it would be okay; tell her that Mommy will always love her.

I feel so unprepared to make her feel any better despite my hours of thought on this very situation. We calmed down and I leave her to get some rest. I'll wait till she falls asleep and I'll go check on her again.

Mindy would rock her to sleep and then just keep rocking her till they were both asleep some nights. I'd get ready for bed and wonder where Mindy was; as I walked through the house I could hear that amazingly loud snore of Mindy's (she used to get so mad when I'd talk about it) and there I would find them. I would ask her to come down to bed but she'd always rock our baby a few more minutes first.

Man I miss her! We all miss her!

I love my children so much...but tonight, being a single Dad really sucks!

All is well this morning, I guess a good night of sleep is just what my Princess needed. She was bouncing around the house this morning singing and getting ready for school. Maybe she was just tired, maybe it was a really tough day for her.


  1. That's one reason why we shopped around for a good glider. I remember Mindy would rock Sydney to sleep every night and ya'll said that would be one of the best things to not scrimp on. Dean still gets his fair share of rocking. :)

  2. Some days it just doesn't feel real. . . like she shouldn't really be gone. It's so sad knowing the potential she had and the lives she would have had with the kids. She really did love them with all of her heart. I know it's all a part of God's plan but it's still so sad.

  3. http://music.yahoo.com/track/19821249

    This song has helped keep things in perspective for me, especially on the hard days. It is both deeply sad and incredibly hopeful at the same time. Last week marked two years for me. The rough days still outnumber the good ones, but they become more bearable over time.

    Could not get the blogger account info to work, so am including it here. http://www.widowedsinglefather.blogspot.com

    Finding others who are on a similar journey has been helpful to me (found you through matt logelin's site).

    oh yeah... the song is Wish You Were Here by Mark Harris in case the link doesn't work.

  4. I really like that song thank you. I've heard it before but it's been a while.

    Hearing from you, two years down a similar path, helps to remind me that there is still hope that life can be more than grief and daily routines.