Feb 18, 2009

The chemicals between us

I've was a big fan of the band Bush, and still like the music Gavin Rossdale is putting out. Lately I've been spinning his latest hit around quite a bit. And as I was driving into work today (my quiet time) I started thinking about some of the lyrics:

A thousand times I've seen you standing
Gravity like lunar landing
You make me want to run till' I find you
I shut the world away from here
I drift to you, you're all I hear
As everything we know fades to black

Half the time the world is ending
Truth is I am done pretending

I never thought that I
Had anymore to give
You're pushing me so far
Here I am without you
Drink to all that we have lost
Mistakes we have made
Everything will change
But love remains the same

It seems lately that I can ponder most any point and make it relate to me, in that instant. I guess I'm just grabbing at straws. Trying to hold onto what I know when it seems it's all slipping away. I read in another blog that having a spouse die was like an amputation of the soul.

Man did that phrase really hit the nail on the head.

Learning to do all the daily tasks to nearly the same level as before...but without all the resources. Without your other half. Feeling restrained and restricted because your helper is no longer there, but not wanting any help.

Needing help, but not wanting to ask.

Asking for help and feeling relieved.

And the further I drove in the slow rush hour traffic the thoughts just progressed. Eventually I stumble on the fact that with the loss of Mindy there has been a loss of confidence in myself. Mindy and I had a rough marriage...she was diagnosed with bipolar disorder after a second surgery to remove a pituitary tumor. But the symptoms where there even before. The tumor had been there since she was a teenager. Her struggle put the chemicals between us; made it hard for us to keep clear perspectives of our marriage.

I know how much she loved me, that she told me often. She used to tell me how brilliant I was, especially when I felt like I could do nothing right. She was my biggest fan! And like a great sports team or a big music act when the fans are gone, and the seats are empty...where do you turn for inspiration? Even when things got rough, we always stuck it out. She would cry and tell me how mad she was that I did __, or she would apologize for doing ___. We'd butt heads for a while and agree that for all the faults, all the heartache, all the tension...we still wanted to be together. Love remained the same.

Maybe my wise and helpful family keep telling me I'm doing such a wonderful job because they have noticed the void of confidence. Maybe others have been able to see what I just realized. Or maybe it's all coincidence and the support was just God's nudging them that I needed a good word.

But a loss of confidence is not so horrible or insurmountable. But now it makes sense to me why I've been second guessing nearly every decision. Sometimes I don't even notice I've done it until later, it's becoming routine. But I'll just keep doing what I've been doing; praying and reading His word. All the answers are in there. It's just that this is another realization of how much I really lost when we all lost Mindy.

I think amputation of the soul is a wonderful description. And I never thought that I had anymore to give, but now without her...there is so much I wish I could give to her. So for now I'll hold it tight, till He comes like a thief in the night.

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